You need to keep condiments handy, just in case you do start sleeping with your boss or your underling. You gotta stay safe!

Figure out who is saying stuff, and take it to HR. Pretttttty sure that's a form of harassment. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Why don't you have any condiments? What happens if a burger or a hot dog shows up at your place? What will you do with no ketchup or mustard?

welcome to middle management. it will continue for the rest of your career.

there needs to be a sad face icon ?

That's what you get for living in Communist China.

Sounds like jealousy and resentment.

You need to start fucking people since they think you are anyway and who knows ya might get a promotion.

Is quitting a possibility? This honestly sounds like an irreparable toxic work culture.

Your only option now is to actually sleep with your boss and your subordinate. Everyone already thinks it's true and you're lonely, so no damage done. Except if either of them have a wife, then you should keep it hush-hush.