Health: Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm... - FML

By NotABeatenWoman - 09/11/2015 00:36 - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 124

You deserved it 2 348

BO Central

Own it

Bye Herbie

By Bernadette - 28/06/2012 19:58

Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 136

You deserved it 30 533

By Anonymous - 27/03/2016 03:53 - United States - Indianapolis

Spicy

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 951

You deserved it 33 456

By Anon - 23/06/2014 23:13 - United States - Denton

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 819

You deserved it 5 939

By doesntkissalot - 28/08/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 272

You deserved it 6 059

By piliseep - 03/10/2017 04:30

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 017

You deserved it 357

By cagel - 13/12/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 692

You deserved it 2 763

By anonymous - 21/05/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 298

You deserved it 8 448

By toobad - 02/06/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number I said 'Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number'. So many girls have given me that number, I memorized it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 864

You deserved it 6 710

Skidmarks

By smelly asses - 17/09/2020 07:50

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 173

By Tree - 30/07/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 012

You deserved it 5 762

By I_Am_The_Edge - 11/06/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 577

You deserved it 863 811

By Roxas - 14/02/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 741

You deserved it 3 227

By Anonymous - 20/07/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 10 422

By khaelian - 11/11/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 896

You deserved it 4 070

By uwbeautyqueen12 - 01/03/2010 19:15 - United States

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 632

You deserved it 6 546

What goes around…

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 20:01

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 303

By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 08/06/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 808

You deserved it 282

By Kimberlie - 15/03/2011 09:23 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 193

You deserved it 4 848

Miscommunication

By xoxo - 01/04/2020 02:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 380

By oface13 - 16/04/2012 08:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 136

You deserved it 5 920

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 16:53 - United States - Concord

Today, I was at Walmart. A guy in a mobility scooter bumped into me, then told me to "get the fuck out of the way." When I told him to watch his mouth, he got up and shoved me into a shelf. Just a few minutes prior, he'd yelled that he was paralyzed from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 541

You deserved it 3 579

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 09:22 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 271

You deserved it 5 809

Quite the journey

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 20:58 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I begrudgingly helped relocate my 84-year-old mother-in-law to our home at my partner's adamant request. It took months of stressful preparation, around $10,000 in costs, and some 500 km travelled via medical transport. Ten minutes after arriving, she had a heart attack and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 666

You deserved it 142

By cherbear1000 - 04/09/2013 21:07 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 8 967

By handi-crap - 05/01/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 994

You deserved it 78 541

By unhappy - 07/06/2015 18:23 - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 941

You deserved it 3 940

Instadrama

By etahrabayraa - 27/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 1 436

By thacupcakeassassin - 13/09/2016 05:51 - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 1 630

By gabby - 24/02/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 991

You deserved it 32 331

Stomach bug?

By Heather Scurfield - 21/03/2021 10:59

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 93

By anonymous - 12/12/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 137

You deserved it 2 665

Technologically Challenged

By paper towel virgin - 24/05/2013 00:24 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 308

You deserved it 40 193

By Mary - 13/01/2013 15:49 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 334

You deserved it 5 246

By FangirlMess6 - 24/03/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 769

You deserved it 315

By rhartnett11 - 16/02/2011 12:56

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 634

You deserved it 41 084

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 317

You deserved it 2 771

By malcolmXXX - 14/10/2015 02:01 - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 108

You deserved it 2 327

Man of mystery

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 124

By anon - 29/01/2015 18:32 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 133

You deserved it 2 842

Piercing wit

By piercingfreak - 28/08/2011 10:41 - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 800

You deserved it 4 093

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Top comments

TheFangedDonut 13

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:07

Domestic abuse is nothing to CHOKE about

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:11

It sucks that your neighbors are so quick to judge, but maybe if you explain the situation to them and take more care in putting harmful objects out of your child's reach, things will be better.

Comments

SarcasticShade 16

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:06

Your neighbors need some sense beaten into them.

Xx_dankdoge_xX 18

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Wednesday 11 November 2015 4:31

Dark

TheFangedDonut 13

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:07

Domestic abuse is nothing to CHOKE about

SDamn 13

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:08

It sucks that they don't know what's happening and that they're judging based on what they saw, OP don't pay attention to your neighbor, some people just don't use communication between your neighbor and you.

sa5v 21

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:10

I hope your kid is okay op!

Brandi_Faith 33

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Monday 9 November 2015 19:35

Op, if your kid has choked so bad that he's needed an ambulance to come to the house more than twice (and to the point where your neighbours think you're being beaten all the time), than I think there's probably something wrong with his esophagus and you probably need to get him looked at (if you haven't already). People with normal functioning esophaguses don't choke all the time and haven't had the ambulance come several times. I'd be seriously concerned about this.

chinaski7628 32

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Monday 9 November 2015 19:43

I would seriously be more worried about my child than what the neighbors think. Either OP needs to do a better job watching her kid and child-proofing the house, or her child has special needs or some kind of disorder—in which case OP needs to get some help managing things and taking care of her kid. That's definitely not normal. It's hard to say without all the information, but I think OP has her priorities and concerns in the wrong place.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Monday 9 November 2015 20:05

Ya, "my child just chokes on things," isn't normal.

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:11

It sucks that your neighbors are so quick to judge, but maybe if you explain the situation to them and take more care in putting harmful objects out of your child's reach, things will be better.

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Monday 9 November 2015 20:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Tuesday 10 November 2015 9:41

This is FML, we do NOT use hashtags here

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:11

Oh, yeah, I used to choke on everything as a kid. I wish I could say they'll grow out of it, but the truth is I've had to install handy retrieval strings on all the food that I eat.

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Monday 9 November 2015 22:26

handy retrieval strings? WTF - why are people giving this a thumbs up??!

fakedsincerity 32

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Tuesday 10 November 2015 0:49

#34, I'm pretty sure he's making one of those things called 'a joke'.

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Tuesday 10 November 2015 3:26

I'd need to check the spelling, #37, but I /think/ that's what I was going for.

mattzawesome 28

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:27

Why would the OP deserve being thought of as beaten if her older child choked a lot?

YourSpecialJoy 15

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:51

I think they mean if their child is a younger child - meaning they shouldn't be given access to things like whole hotdog slices or small legos which can be lodged in their throat easily. Op doesn't deserve it, but they should keep their child's age in mind when feeding them or giving them toys. If its an older child, the kid should know better by now but they still don't deserve it, accidents happen.

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:14

The next time an ambulance arrives tell them to see who is actually needing medical attention. Also how beaten would you have to be in order to need an ambulance yet not show any signs of major damage? Plus wouldn't the police be there constantly? People are so stupid to judge something then stick by their judgement without looking at the facts.

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Monday 9 November 2015 16:39

Then they would probably concoct some wild rumors that op is a child abuser.

worldclassrager 39

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:21

If you don't come up with bruises wouldn't that be proof enough?

pjsr 32

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Monday 9 November 2015 18:54

Many abusers intentionally do damage to areas that will be hidden - back of the head, areas always covered by clothing - so as to avoid others reporting.

UncleCaitlyn 21

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Monday 9 November 2015 15:24

I guess if whoever wanted to they'd have a good excuse

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 99

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 92