Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband... - FML

By ew - 12/4/2016 17:53 - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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Work name

Who's a good boy?

Creepy

By Missa - 4/7/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7 year olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By MikeA - 9/6/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By broke - 2/12/2017 15:00

Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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By BrokeAndSad - 30/3/2015 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

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By mpsteve137 - 30/6/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By wellokaythen - 14/5/2013 19:52 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

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By toriforever - 5/7/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 02:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By KaySchrages92 - 25/10/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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By - 10/1/2020 18:00

Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By mrmr - 7/2/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and the glass sliding door was jammed. I tugged it, and it shattered all over me. I was naked. FML

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By exiebestie - 26/4/2016 01:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

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By don't cry over spilled milk - 23/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Elmendorf Afb

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

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By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 12:00 - United States - Staten Island

No balls activity

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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By notasgood - 12/1/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2015 12:43 - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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By Hungry - 14/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By ElaborateScheme - 14/8/2016 20:52 - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

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By JustSom - 5/5/2015 02:03 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

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By superscrewed - 20/1/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I discovered that my supervisor has been submitting completed projects to our manager on time for everyone on the team but me. She has been deliberately making it appear as though I am weeks behind on my projects, when in reality I am one of the first ones done every month. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 18:33 - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

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By whatno - 19/6/2013 23:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

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By leelee50 - 10/2/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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By signupsheetfail - 12/8/2009 19:02 - Canada

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

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By Duplighost - 12/1/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

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By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2016 19:31 - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 09:47 - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

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By freakofnature - 31/3/2012 16:17 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML

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By SoggyPancakes - 11/3/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

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By disgusted - 19/9/2012 00:42 - United States - Herndon

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

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By hereforfmls - 26/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Jasper

Played a blinder

Today, I felt something hit my eye as I was riding on my bike. My glasses ended up falling off. I looked for them for ten minutes before giving up. I ran over them. FML

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By kids - 12/5/2014 05:17

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

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By vampire - 16/6/2011 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

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By kutekittykatz - 10/7/2013 08:58 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 07:06 - United States - Corning

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

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Top comments

By itooamscrewed | 10

#6579237 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:04

Why would a loofah be in his way in the shower? Why would he use a loofah to clean a toilet? Why would he throw something near a trash can instead of in it? Why does he throw things out of the shower?
So many questions OP. All of them are FYLs.

By earljonez | 22

#6579215 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:44

Sounds like your husband is very aloof

Comments

By sugarshugar | 11

#6579211 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:43

*incoming shitty situation puns*

Reply

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6579271 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 4:45

*incoming down votes*

By mh_2323 | 13

#6579213 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:44

Well that's just shitty...haha I would suggest taking another shower

By earljonez | 22

#6579215 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:44

Sounds like your husband is very aloof

Reply

negb | 30

#6579532 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 15:32

At least he cleaned the toilet!

By TonierShadow | 19

#6579218 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:49

Sounds like the start of a shitty day.

By nreed32 | 20

#6579219 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:50

Next time the toilet needs cleaning I suggest you use his toothbrush.

By Pentium_4 | 26

#6579222 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:53

if he meant to throw it away and it was only "near" the bathroom trash, then he really needs to work on actually throwing things away lol

By feven | 32

#6579223 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:53

Probably not a good idea to pull anything out of a bathroom trash anyways.

Reply

smallandroid | 26

#6579231 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:58

OP said it was near the trash, so I'd assume it was just sitting on the floor, maybe.

Reply

yerawizardlizzy | 27

#6579435 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 12:59

Okay, but still. It's been sitting on the floor for who knows how long. Why would you wash yourself with it?

By SamSwebb | 24

#6579224 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:53

Oh jesus, no no no no no nope! Time for some payback

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6579236 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:02

That'll teach him to throw gross things away!

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6579242 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:09

Yesss! Put a little AIDS infected blood in his next syringe! That's always a killer with the gang!

Reply

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6579257 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:55

Dafuq? This escalated too fast for me to keep up.

Reply

acerredrum | 23

#6579289 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 5:15

He didn't throw it away though, OP said it was next to the trash. So he took something that belonged to someone else, used it to scrub the toilet and then dropped it on the floor. You can't blame OP for that not being the first conclusion she jumped to.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6579298 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 5:39

Fair point, #27.

Reply

Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6579335 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 8:36

Yes you could do that, 14 but then again, the wife would then have a chance of contracting AIDS when having sex with her husband.

By FalloutScrolls | 25

#6579227 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:55

I refuse to make a "shit" pun about this horribly crappy situation.

Reply

ShleeG | 23

#6579306 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 6:18

So you make a crappy pun instead?

By HoboMeth | 32

#6579234 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:01

Why are you taking a bath in the toilet? No but seriously, that's disgusting

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6579315 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 6:56

Er I don't think you've read the FML correctly, I kindly suggest you go read again slowly.

Reply

jadenjacksonm | 14

#6579567 - Wednesday 13 April 2016 16:20

This actually made me laugh a little. But agreed with #33