Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking...

By toad - 12/2/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

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Miscellaneous

Boozehound alert

My body, my choice

Spy vs. Spy

By Raven - 31/12/2016 17:24 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

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By imfucked - 26/7/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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By missmisfit - 13/6/2012 04:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

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By stupidupid - 6/2/2010 12:35 - Philippines

Today, we had a NAT for our preparation for college. I did quite well and knew most of the answers. When I turned mine in, I realised I forgot to write my name. The proctor doesn't allow giving back test papers after it is turned in. And no, I can't retake it. FML

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By MistressSuzuka - 21/9/2012 00:05 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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By Cameraman - 1/6/2017 01:00 - Israel

Today, I got a reply from a women who's SD card I found 2 months ago and tried to give back. Yesterday I formatted it. FML

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By budadepressed - 18/7/2016 21:22 - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By Alfie4 - 5/3/2012 22:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - 19/3/2011 05:37 - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By lovegotmehung - 29/10/2010 04:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

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By fed up - 23/8/2018 23:30

Today, I bought a different car because I was having to constantly repair my old one. On the way home from the dealer, the check engine light came on. FML

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By ohgod. - 10/10/2012 02:59 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

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By Completely Innocent - 5/3/2015 17:10 - United States

Today, a coworker told my manager that I and another girl were plotting to get her fired at the end of the month. She actually believed her. Now we're suspended without pay for two weeks for conspiracy. FML

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By nolife - 29/12/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By whoops - 11/4/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was on my way home from work and decided to stop at the grocery store. I purchased $200 in groceries and went to put them in my car. I then realized I drove my motorcycle today. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2011 21:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the motorway I usually use was closed off due to a major car accident. With no way off the freeway, my trip took three times longer than usual. I lost control of my bladder mid-way. FML

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By Arachnaphobe - 3/6/2016 22:14 - United States - Bloomington

Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By Username - 25/5/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML

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By rain - 1/6/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By pizza girl - 30/8/2013 04:33 - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

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By 6boss - 3/11/2010 05:00 - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By sleepless - 20/6/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

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By hawaiianlovechild - 29/11/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

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By Zoe Avila - 9/8/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By LeaveTheGuyAlone - 29/7/2013 00:18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML

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By nolove - 4/5/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, before going to bed my phone lit up and I got all excited because I thought it was a text message. My phone was finished charging. FML

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By facebook - 24/6/2010 10:09 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

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By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By rayraydayday - 21/3/2015 04:25 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was wearing a new tank top that was really cute. I later was talking to an attractive guy and thought he was giggling at me because he thought I was being cute and funny. I then realized he was giggling at the fact that I only shaved one armpit. FML

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By Lentil - 31/1/2012 13:13 - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

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By the girl next door - 7/5/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By pissed - 17/12/2013 21:17 - United States

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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Top comments

By TC_fml | 0

#1497 - Thursday 12 February 2009 6:09

Restraining order anyone? Going once... going twice...

I hope the f***er isn't the violent kind, that's mega creepy.

By taraaa_fml | 4

#1529 - Thursday 12 February 2009 9:43

i interpret this as it just being a crazy ex girlfriend trying to find him, knowing that she could
if she pretending to be his daughter who he's been looking for lol

COMMENTS

By blah_blah_shity | 0

#1490 - Thursday 12 February 2009 5:40

wtf

By TC_fml | 0

#1497 - Thursday 12 February 2009 6:09

Restraining order anyone? Going once... going twice...

I hope the f***er isn't the violent kind, that's mega creepy.

By taraaa_fml | 4

#1529 - Thursday 12 February 2009 9:43

i interpret this as it just being a crazy ex girlfriend trying to find him, knowing that she could
if she pretending to be his daughter who he's been looking for lol

migueljm5 | 18

#5670612 - Thursday 12 September 2013 21:01

Thanks for explaining. It was kinda vague

By suyci | 0

#1535 - Thursday 12 February 2009 9:51

holy shit.. sue her for stalking!
and make sure you ARE going to see your daughter soon ;)

By Lil_fml | 0

#1552 - Thursday 12 February 2009 12:20

Oh dear. Well.
She shouldn't be allowed to do that, unless she's had her daughters pesmission.
SUE, I SAY!

By Sallen | 0

#1577 - Thursday 12 February 2009 15:44

someone (or a few people) in this scenario is creepy...

By 2random | 0

#1602 - Thursday 12 February 2009 18:05

thats just awfull

By sniperpie | 0

#1614 - Thursday 12 February 2009 18:54

Run. Now. Far far away.

By anony_mous_fml | 0

#4367 - Friday 20 February 2009 13:12

What kind of father are you that you didn't stay in your daughter's life after the divorce? Boo to you.

LudicMonster | 22

#4659229 - Saturday 7 July 2012 7:15

Sometimes whomever gets custody of the child doesn't allow the other to even contact them, or hides them away. If he was looking for his daughter "after years of looking for her", there's only a small chance that he was out of her life by choice.

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9251 - Saturday 28 February 2009 14:16

Sue the bitch. Get over it. And, read #22.

This is weird...