Miscellaneous: Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking...

By toad - 12/02/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 097

You deserved it 6 130

Miscellaneous

Dysfunctional

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The Teaching Life

By erockinthesuburb - 19/02/2013 01:49 - United States

Today, I purchased a box of girl scout cookies from a coworker. I wanted to save them for later at home, so I placed them on my desk and then headed to a meeting. When I returned, there was an empty box sitting there with a post-it note saying, "Thanks!" Nobody will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 345

You deserved it 6 323

By Anonymous - 06/05/2011 18:09 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 650

You deserved it 51 938

By brodinn - 11/04/2014 13:48 - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 255

You deserved it 5 848

By mattttbob - 04/02/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 467

You deserved it 35 891

By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 366

You deserved it 4 808

By very analytical - 26/06/2015 19:56 - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 205

You deserved it 8 553

By tp2014 - 19/12/2013 13:12 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 512

You deserved it 23 060

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 15:34 - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 483

You deserved it 4 480

By drunkennight - 23/11/2009 03:45 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 967

You deserved it 42 229

Narcolepsy

By Isuckreallybad - 06/02/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 329

By keepsmiling - 02/09/2009 11:19 - France

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 358

You deserved it 47 391

By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 04:47 - United States - North Port

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 421

You deserved it 3 207

By wow - 15/04/2013 18:36 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 851

You deserved it 6 714

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 034

You deserved it 5 464

By crushed - 30/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 238

You deserved it 7 004

Grossed out

By eww David - 06/07/2021 02:01

Today, my friend is upset with me since I never want to hang out at her house or eat her food. The problem is she has multiple dog beds in her kitchen and a cat litter box under her dining room table. I love her and invite her to hang out other places, but she’s still offended I won’t go to her’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 117

By blovesg - 07/04/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 273

You deserved it 538 248

By EmberLove - 17/01/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 355

You deserved it 5 620

By Skidaddle123 - 23/08/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 916

You deserved it 9 691

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 285

You deserved it 4 822

By Anonymous - 09/02/2014 19:00 - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 562

You deserved it 5 416

By why - 28/07/2014 01:55 - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 403

You deserved it 5 485

Home delivery

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 08:01

Today, I received two letters: an eviction notice and a Dear John. Neither went through the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 58

By maggie2014 - 23/06/2013 23:48 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I fell asleep listening to my music and tanning at the beach. Not only did I wake up with a sunburn, but my iPhone had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 270

You deserved it 28 753

Sexy time

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 440

You deserved it 59 284

By little_star78 - 13/11/2013 11:08 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 077

You deserved it 3 587

By freaked out - 30/08/2012 08:04 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 174

You deserved it 2 566

Slid right out

By Tabby Rosas - 21/02/2021 21:30

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 63

By Anonymous - 29/07/2016 18:10

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 618

You deserved it 7 302

By oops - 22/08/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 507

You deserved it 50 576

By Jmdezy - 05/04/2016 15:45 - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 756

You deserved it 24 108

By Anonymous - 02/04/2009 10:28 - United States

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. 5 seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the happy sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 955

You deserved it 30 991

By AboutToBeHomeless - 03/11/2016 13:16

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 829

You deserved it 726

By Anonymous - 11/08/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 4 340

By Kristinmarsh08 - 29/10/2010 12:02 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 294

You deserved it 3 690

Catch me!

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 00:01

Today, like every month, I have to play hide and seek. Every month? Yeah. My cervix somehow moves around inside me, and if I want to bleed into my menstrual cup and not around it, I have to find and catch my cervix first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 122

By Zoey - 09/02/2012 15:17 - Canada

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 767

You deserved it 6 165

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 08:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 300

You deserved it 1 730

By Anonymous - 18/07/2012 16:09 - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 395

You deserved it 2 702

By presente13 - 17/05/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 808

You deserved it 3 826

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TC_fml 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 6:09

Restraining order anyone? Going once... going twice... I hope the f***er isn't the violent kind, that's mega creepy.

taraaa_fml 4

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Thursday 12 February 2009 9:43

i interpret this as it just being a crazy ex girlfriend trying to find him, knowing that she could if she pretending to be his daughter who he's been looking for lol

blah_blah_shity 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 5:40

wtf

TC_fml 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 6:09

Restraining order anyone? Going once... going twice... I hope the f***er isn't the violent kind, that's mega creepy.

taraaa_fml 4

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Thursday 12 February 2009 9:43

i interpret this as it just being a crazy ex girlfriend trying to find him, knowing that she could if she pretending to be his daughter who he's been looking for lol

migueljm5 18

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Thursday 12 September 2013 21:01

Thanks for explaining. It was kinda vague

suyci 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 9:51

holy shit.. sue her for stalking! and make sure you ARE going to see your daughter soon ;)

Lil_fml 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 12:20

Oh dear. Well. She shouldn't be allowed to do that, unless she's had her daughters pesmission. SUE, I SAY!

Sallen 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 15:44

someone (or a few people) in this scenario is creepy...

2random 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 18:05

thats just awfull

sniperpie 0

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Thursday 12 February 2009 18:54

Run. Now. Far far away.

anony_mous_fml 0

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Friday 20 February 2009 13:12

What kind of father are you that you didn't stay in your daughter's life after the divorce? Boo to you.

LudicMonster 22

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Saturday 7 July 2012 7:15

Sometimes whomever gets custody of the child doesn't allow the other to even contact them, or hides them away. If he was looking for his daughter "after years of looking for her", there's only a small chance that he was out of her life by choice.