Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from...

By notmyrealname123 - 25/8/2014 00:08 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML

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Animals

White line fever

Don't shoot the messenger

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 02:51 - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By not_this_shit_again - 9/4/2014 12:37 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

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By Diana - 25/10/2019 22:00 - United States

We hear ya

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

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By whateven - 8/1/2013 17:45 - United States - Allentown

Today, my boss "borrowed" my prescription sunglasses off my desk. She crashed her car because they made her dizzy, and thinks I should pay for the damages. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - 30/7/2014 04:41 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By greasyhair - 7/9/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By OhCanada - 22/7/2019 20:00

Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 16:52 - United States

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

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By notacatperson - 1/3/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Marleck - 22/2/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By ShitHappens - 24/10/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2011 13:37 - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 22/7/2019 06:43

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By matou - 9/7/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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By nosexlife - 12/9/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I was with my seven year old daughter purchasing my husband a present for his birthday in a few weeks. At the register, in the very long line, I asked her where we could hide his present so he wouldn't find it, she responded loudly with "Hide it in your room! He never goes in there!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By anonymous - 9/6/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By Roxy19 - 22/1/2013 06:50 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By amyhyett - 28/1/2015 23:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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By tkoester - 29/8/2015 04:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2016 20:06 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By SenorPoopypants - 8/1/2017 19:23

Today, I shat myself during a job interview. FML

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By spleg - 16/12/2010 12:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

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By nomorepetbird - 6/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By chi_chia - 24/3/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:10 - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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By numbtongue - 13/3/2015 04:19 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

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By authentic - 18/2/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, my tattoo artist boyfriend of five months gave me my first tattoo in celebration of my 18th birthday. It was supposed to be a heart with my name in script. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By regrettably well rested - 14/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2013 16:05 - United States

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

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By wabbyfish - 14/3/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2011 09:03 - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 00:34 - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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By artist - 29/3/2013 11:12 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I spent the whole night and day painting a portrait of my girlfriend. Being proud of it, I sent it to her hoping she would appreciate it. I spent hours working on that picture only for her to reply with, "That's not me, is it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 02:00 - United States

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

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By Noname - 17/2/2009 08:30 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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Top comments

By lex1459 | 38

#6047334 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

Well at least your cat actually obeyed you. That's pretty rare for cats.

By Timpa70 | 18

#6047331 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:06

That's some Chip and Dale action right there.

Comments

By Timpa70 | 18

#6047331 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:06

That's some Chip and Dale action right there.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6047378 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:46

Chip and dale are chipmunks, but I see your point anyways. ;)

Ravike | 17

#6047430 - Monday 25 August 2014 15:27

I never thought cats obey there owners that much :/ cats are too bossy

Onyxdragon | 9

#6047432 - Monday 25 August 2014 15:27

what you ask for, you shall receive.

wanted_2_want | 40

#6048017 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 4:52

"Their" #33

By tealrobot | 15

#6047333 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

at least your cat didnt kill the poor squirrel?

killerdana | 19

#6048259 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 7:52

I'd rather my cat kill the squirrel than have it ruining loose in my house.

By lex1459 | 38

#6047334 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

Well at least your cat actually obeyed you. That's pretty rare for cats.

mrhe3t | 9

#6047743 - Monday 25 August 2014 23:05

That is so true, these creature do what they want, when they want if they feel like it, and then they come pur at you to get belly rubs and back rubs... and food.

By mariamilian | 20

#6047335 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:11

Makes me wonder why the squirrel was in your house in the first place.

toowie_fml | 20

#6047338 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:16

Because the cat brought it inside?

mrwilsong | 6

#6047379 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:48

Can't tell if stupid or just trolling.

notmyrealname123 | 16

#6048297 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 8:54

I guess you would have to ask the squirrel. The thing is that the cat never went outside there was a hole in my door the squirrel got into the house through, I have no idea why it would go so close to a cat.

By Queensland | 27

#6047336 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:12

How do you know the squirrel and cat didn't meet at the tree, hit it off, and wanted to chill back at the house? Wow, cold, OP.

JMichael | 25

#6047368 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:37

No my human just ruined a perfectly good meal..:(

jerryj | 27

#6047370 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:39

If they're old enough for such behaviour, then they're also old enough to move out and get their own damn place where they can do as they please.

By just16letters | 15

#6047339 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:16

So he drove you nuts then?

octinate | 17

#6047756 - Monday 25 August 2014 23:19

It's actually really good fun free exercise for you op!

By Mauskau | 35

#6047343 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:27

My cat brought us a squirrel once. We left him outside for too long so my cat got bored of it squirming and killed it, left it on the doormat and walked off. He's brought live pigeons into the house though which is annoying.