Animals: Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from...

By notmyrealname123 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found my cat downstairs with a squirrel dangling from his mouth. When I saw this, I yelled at my cat to put it down. He did. Turns out the squirrel was still alive and run. I had to spend the next three hours chasing it out of my house. FML

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Animals

Commando

BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

By thanks guys

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I was bitched out by my shrew of a mother for getting engaged, to a man. She's not homophobic, but rather pissed off because gay marriage is "trendy" and she wants me to be "above that nonsense". Hurray for love. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

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By pantydropper - United States

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

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By thetallone - United Kingdom

Today, on the way home from a night out, I crossed the main road in my town via the traffic lights. As I got to the other side, a guy turned to his two friends and 'whispered' with a look of disgust, "I would have run that one over." Thanks. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By crazycora - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my bosses van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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By ohno - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By stuckhome - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By oh my dad - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By JackOLantern2099

Observational comedy

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

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By radiantum13

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

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By Ashley - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By letmedienow - United States

Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

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By aurora320 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

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By neveragain - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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By Childhood - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By Kensie - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By the-yao - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML

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By jennag5 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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By Perry85

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By captainkevineff - United States

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

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By Srain - Australia

Today, feeling confident, I asked my boyfriend what he thought of my new body, since I had lost 16 kilos over the past month. He told me that he missed the old me and wanted me to gain weight again. My boyfriend was the one that encouraged me to lose weight in the first place. FML

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 02:02

Interesting hypothesis

Today, I found out that my dad has drunkenly told my sister more than once that he doesn’t love either of us, and even then he prefers her over me. All these years I thought I was crazy for thinking I had any kind of daddy issues, but I guess that must be why I’m a phenomenal fuck. FML

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By AnonUser464 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

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By Sleepy - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

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Top comments

By lex1459 | 38

#6047334 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

Well at least your cat actually obeyed you. That's pretty rare for cats.

By Timpa70 | 18

#6047331 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:06

That's some Chip and Dale action right there.

COMMENTS

By Timpa70 | 18

#6047331 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:06

That's some Chip and Dale action right there.

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6047378 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:46

Chip and dale are chipmunks, but I see your point anyways. ;)

Ravike | 17

#6047430 - Monday 25 August 2014 15:27

I never thought cats obey there owners that much :/ cats are too bossy

Onyxdragon | 9

#6047432 - Monday 25 August 2014 15:27

what you ask for, you shall receive.

wanted_2_want | 40

#6048017 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 4:52

"Their" #33

By tealrobot | 15

#6047333 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

at least your cat didnt kill the poor squirrel?

killerdana | 19

#6048259 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 7:52

I'd rather my cat kill the squirrel than have it ruining loose in my house.

By lex1459 | 38

#6047334 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:09

Well at least your cat actually obeyed you. That's pretty rare for cats.

mrhe3t | 9

#6047743 - Monday 25 August 2014 23:05

That is so true, these creature do what they want, when they want if they feel like it, and then they come pur at you to get belly rubs and back rubs... and food.

By mariamilian | 20

#6047335 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:11

Makes me wonder why the squirrel was in your house in the first place.

toowie_fml | 20

#6047338 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:16

Because the cat brought it inside?

mrwilsong | 6

#6047379 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:48

Can't tell if stupid or just trolling.

notmyrealname123 | 16

#6048297 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 8:54

I guess you would have to ask the squirrel. The thing is that the cat never went outside there was a hole in my door the squirrel got into the house through, I have no idea why it would go so close to a cat.

By Queensland | 27

#6047336 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:12

How do you know the squirrel and cat didn't meet at the tree, hit it off, and wanted to chill back at the house? Wow, cold, OP.

JMichael | 25

#6047368 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:37

No my human just ruined a perfectly good meal..:(

jerryj | 27

#6047370 - Monday 25 August 2014 13:39

If they're old enough for such behaviour, then they're also old enough to move out and get their own damn place where they can do as they please.

By just16letters | 15

#6047339 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:16

So he drove you nuts then?

octinate | 17

#6047756 - Monday 25 August 2014 23:19

It's actually really good fun free exercise for you op!

By Mauskau | 35

#6047343 - Monday 25 August 2014 12:27

My cat brought us a squirrel once. We left him outside for too long so my cat got bored of it squirming and killed it, left it on the doormat and walked off. He's brought live pigeons into the house though which is annoying.