Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front... - FML

By I get the hint

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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Instadrama

Can they do that?

You dingdong!

By Username - United States

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

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By Crowded House

Today, my newborn son is only four days old. My in-laws have been over five times already. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By kysier - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By Aiaiii - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML

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By JCruz411 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

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By latter - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By embarrassed much - United States - Orlando

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By Badam - France - Geaune

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 04:02 - Japan - Okayama

Can't buy me love

Today, I realized while paying bills on my phone I fat-fingered which credit card I was paying and sent 299 to a paid-off card instead of 200 to another one. Now I'm going to have overdraft fees too. FML

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By Goodtimes

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

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By CarrieRedburn - United States

Today, I was walking my dog, and a whole bunch of teenagers were driving around my neighborhood throwing water balloons at people. They followed me for 3 blocks. FML

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By taperjeangirl - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By "mysteryguy3039"

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By ChrissySoltys - Canada

Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

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By Emily J. - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

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By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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By thirdwheel - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By ShortieRose

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By Ves - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 02:00

Honesty is the best policy

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

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By Joboi23

Today, I matched with a woman on Tinder with whom I'd already talked on another dating app. The conversation had died out pretty quickly, so I was surprised she gave me a second chance. Her first message was to tell me how boring I was on the other app. FML

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By Hair problems

Today, I woke up with greasy hair, despite taking a shower last night. After washing my hair several times and it not going away, I realized that yesterday I put aerosol deodorant in my hair instead of hairspray. FML

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Top comments

By Bano360 | 25

#5679052 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:12

At least he cares.

By perdix | 29

#5679056 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:13

Invite them to your next big party.

If you are consuming all of that alcohol by yourself: Step 1. Admit you have a problem. . .

COMMENTS

By Bano360 | 25

#5679052 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:12

At least he cares.

Reply

Harshdfml | 14

#5679245 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 16:06

Exactly.. Probably its about time that you quit drinking or atleast reduced the frequency.

Reply

Gingerette | 8

#5679854 - Thursday 19 September 2013 0:37

*Sigh* Distant love.

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#5680574 - Thursday 19 September 2013 16:35

He might just throw a lot of parties

By jw90 | 18

#5679053 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:12

So you drink a lot I'm guessing?

Reply

ItsAUnicorn | 27

#5679100 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 13:13

No shit Sherlock.

Reply

tommylover842 | 23

#5679159 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 14:32

Calm down Watson. Im pretty sure he was being sarcastic.

Reply

jw90 | 18

#5679208 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:36

Yes it was sarcasm my dear Watson. So calm yourself. It's only elementary.

Reply

subiedude08 | 17

#5679570 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 20:42

Wonder what brought you to that conclusion

By perdix | 29

#5679056 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:13

Invite them to your next big party.

If you are consuming all of that alcohol by yourself: Step 1. Admit you have a problem. . .

Reply

hghrider123456 | 9

#5679087 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:45

When they dump your recycling, I bwt they sing "bottoms up, bottoms up"

Reply

AllieCat21 | 21

#5679284 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 16:30

15, I bet they don't.

By MissWhitneyB | 17

#5679058 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:15

Maybe thats a sign to cut back a little. Great to see others caring about one another these days though.

By summer_2k13 | 8

#5679059 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:15

Well do you have a problem?

Reply

efettes | 19

#5679382 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 18:08

My guess is yes.

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5679419 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 19:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

gladlily | 16

#5679434 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 19:15

I think drinking 12 cans of soda every day is a pretty ungodly amount of soda. Or at least a very unhealthy amount. Twelve cans of beer a day is just as bad or worse.

Reply

efettes | 19

#5679496 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 19:35

I'm going to go with worse... 12 beers a day? Way worse

Reply

tbabyfosho | 7

#5685323 - Monday 23 September 2013 3:13

49-im sorry and im not anyone to judge another..but what you described sounds like a big problem lol.

By purebliss_fml | 19

#5679063 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:16

Sounds like they are genuinely concerned about you OP

By Batterypost | 23

#5679069 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:20

It's only a problem if it interfers with his everyday life, really. As long as he doesn't miss work because he's drunk (or go to work drunk), there's not really anything wrong with drinking a lot.

By abigail_torres | 8

#5679075 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:30

Aw that is such a nice thing for someone to do. Don't feel like embarrassed or anything OP, he just cares :)

Reply

lmngrl889 | 14

#5680205 - Thursday 19 September 2013 8:25

I agree. That is really sweet of him to do!

By emuexport | 4

#5679078 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:33

Haha, excellent,
We fill a 240 litre (60 gals) bin every fortnight with cans and bottles !!!
No notes but.....

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5679199 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 15:25

That depends on how many people are at your house. If OP is doing the same, but living alone, there is likely a problem.

By Wizardo | 33

#5679080 - Wednesday 18 September 2013 12:36

Well this calls for a drink I presume...