Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when...

By FartyCar - 30/11/2018 17:30

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

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Transportation

Dangling modifier

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By anonymous-canada - 7/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I was looking over some old notes from high school when I came across a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I'm 25. I haven't accomplished a single one. I'm 26. FML

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By disgusted - 19/9/2012 00:42 - United States - Herndon

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

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By RIP job - 28/9/2016 04:26 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

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By unemployed - 31/5/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

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By mikeycoco - 20/5/2011 14:39

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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By ditched?? - 6/8/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By hale_551 - 11/9/2015 16:34

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By spooked - 5/11/2014 20:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after my shower, I went to clear off my fogged-up mirror. Doing so, I noticed a handprint on it. I compared it to my hand, but it was much too small. I live alone. FML

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By Mybrotherissatan - 10/3/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

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By petmosch - 4/8/2017 00:30

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By Ashley Nichole Hinton - 12/5/2020 02:00

I'm an excellent driver

Today, my husband ran our car into a fence at work. He had to file an insurance claim, with a company we only just got with, and it's going to deplete the rest of our taxes. FML

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By unknown - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By dentinpalevo - 29/12/2010 07:29 - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

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By WTF?!?! - 9/9/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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By jojo - 6/5/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

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By firehurts - 8/6/2015 23:38 - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 02:04 - Australia

Online shopping

Today, I was showing my mum how to use eBay. Unfortunately I didn't notice my recent purchase history was on display: a huge black dildo; a jockstrap and a bong amongst them. Of course, she did. FML

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By pandabear - 12/2/2010 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By poorcar - 5/10/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2015 01:07 - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2015 14:45 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By TheCrackerNinja - 26/11/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

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By xloverin - 14/11/2015 16:23 - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By shart - 9/3/2016 02:48 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2010 00:12 - United States

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

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By LovedByFamily - 8/10/2012 15:08 - Germany - K?ln

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

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By mel_bear_ - 14/3/2012 14:38 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

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By Missedtheboat - 30/10/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

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By Rosies - 30/11/2008 02:34 - France

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

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By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By welly223 - 20/1/2011 06:01 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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By fatty - 29/4/2015 01:36 - United States - West Chester

Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML

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By Orangehead - 28/11/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7723364 - Wednesday 14 November 2018 22:00

OP: "Kids, the broccoli is no longer edible, and the car smells like it's full of farts."
Kids: "YAAAAAAAAAY!"

By crazycrochetlady | 12

#7723406 - Wednesday 14 November 2018 23:25

Time to buy febreeze, like a lot of febreeze.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7723364 - Wednesday 14 November 2018 22:00

OP: "Kids, the broccoli is no longer edible, and the car smells like it's full of farts."
Kids: "YAAAAAAAAAY!"

By crazycrochetlady | 12

#7723406 - Wednesday 14 November 2018 23:25

Time to buy febreeze, like a lot of febreeze.

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7730719 - Friday 30 November 2018 20:27

You shouldn't have eaten it then...

By fjvitt | 14

#7730744 - Friday 30 November 2018 21:12

I’ve never tried the “broccoli in the boot” excuse... I usually use the “deny it” approach for my car-farts...

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7730830 - Saturday 1 December 2018 0:28

Which immediately reveals you're the one who supplied it.

By AstroTurfMatador | 11

#7730939 - Saturday 1 December 2018 7:18

Wow, it was in your trunk for 3 days, and still frozen after all that time? Amazing!

By BeachMammal | 8

#7731352 - Saturday 1 December 2018 23:54

Now you always have an excuse: "Oh, that's just the broccoli in the boot."

By Agent JPN | 9

#7731914 - Monday 3 December 2018 4:27

What did you think would happen after eating rotten broccoli?

By ravioliwheresthespaghetti | 4

#7753968 - Wednesday 16 January 2019 3:14

That's what you get for eating broccoli lol