By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 09:59 - United States - Cedar Rapids
Add a comment - Reply to : #
I don't. He should've asked her about her feelings on marriage in general and where he saw their future going before popping the question. And before anyone starts on the "that's so unromantic" bullshit, well, look at this FML as proof of where "romance" gets you.
It's just an assumption, but maybe they had talked about marriage and their future in the relationship. Before the OP started having these feelings of wanting to break up. So, if they had the same feelings about everything at the time, in that case he wouldn't have really sprang it on her out of the blue without a discussion. It's just that the feelings changed in different ways and they were no longer on the same page. It sucks for both the OP and the boyfriend.
I dunno, I don't think marriage is one of those things you discuss once (particularly early in the relationship when everything is sunshine and roses) and then assume the answer remains unchanged, especially if enough time has passed between the initial conversation and the proposal. I think at the very minimum a check-in needs to take place the same month, if not week, or so of the planned proposal. Feelings rarely change overnight, so I find it hard to believe that OP would have had a Big Talk recently enough that her ex could have misread the situation that badly, and if he did and OP wasn't enthusiastic about the idea, this is still on him for going forward without an enthusiastic agreement.
I agree, there should be a discussion about it closer to when the person is planning to propose. If they want to keep it a surprise, even just a casual mention and talk, just to make sure no feelings have changed about anything. That was the a problem here I think too. Lack of communication from both the OP and her boyfriend. The previous post just made it sound like the bf shouldn't get any sympathy because he sprang the proposal on her without even discussing it at all. I was just pointing out that that might have not been the case.
OP clearly said that she finally worked up the courage to break it off. That means that even if they did discuss it before then she didn't mention that she no longer liked the relationship. The boyfriend probably thought everything was fine, which is why he proposed. While OP worked up the courage to break up, he worked up the courage to propose. Now that is a relationship with communication issues. Yikes.
The other way you could look at "finally worked up the courage" is that she's felt this way for awhile, and while maybe not directly stating the desire to leave, probably did not give him indications or encouragement to become more serious if he had asked her about being ready for marriage anytime recently.
46, admittedly, I kind of have issues with marriage proposals in general, so the standards to which I hold anyone who gets down on one knee are probably a bit high, lol. But I do see your point. 59, proposing is an incredibly pressure-laden way to suss out an SO's opinion on marriage. The proposer has already invested money in a ring, gotten his (usually his) hopes up to the point that the woman (again, not always, but usually) feels like an ass if she has to crush his spirits by saying no, and if he proposes in public, she can be subject to verbal harassment if she turns him down (go on, ask me how I know about that). It's hardly fair to get someone's honest feeling about committing to another person for life (half the time) when all that baggage comes with the question.
why are you in a relationship if you have to work up courage to tell them anything? ending a relationship is far easier than the consequences of letting a bad relationship go on and fester while the other partner has no idea there are problems
There is a myriad of reasons, and each person has a different one. Personally I think fear is a major component. Fear of being alone. Fear of rejection. Fear that you will hurt the other person. Yes, sometimes it's better to end it, but it's also a major decision when so much time and effort has been invested in the relationship.
Breaking up with someone is not easy and often something that you have to psych yourself up to do because it is going to be hard, and involves hurting someone you have become close to. Even though you know it's for the best, it's still usually a difficult time for all involved.
What 23 and 24 said. My first serious long-term degraded as my ex turned into a depressive alcoholic who refused to get help or a job, and it wasn't until the fucker stole my car that I finally called it quits. Even still, I had times where I wondered if I'd done the right thing for months afterward! Blame hormones, blame society's obsession with soulmates, blame whomever. It's still hard to break up with someone, even when that someone is an objectively awful person.
You have to psych yourself up and prepare to break up with someone. You have to prepare what you're going to say and how you're going to say it. That doesn't mean she took months to do it. She could've been preparing for a day or two, or even overnight. Just because she finally got up the courage it doesn't mean that it took her forever to do that.
OP, if you read this, stick to your guns, and leave him. You were unhappy enough to break up with him before he proposed, and a diamond ring won't likely change a thing. Even if you got caught up in the moment and said yes, regain your wits and dump him. Your happiness is at stake, so do what you have to. All the best OP.