Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was...

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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Late term

Creepy idea, dude

The Blob

By WeakerThanaLittleGirl - United States

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

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35433

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By john - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

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37739

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5123

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By Labro9

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

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9446

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By m??

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

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1552

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410

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By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

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24172

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32469

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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32928

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Taste test

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

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58471

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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6458

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1140

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By shart up, your puns suck - United Kingdom - London

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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52256

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5511

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By shithole - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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28009

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9105

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By Msmerfner - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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48381

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16044

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By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

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41685

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7183

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By PartTimePrincess - United States

Today, my sister, who knows I'm severely afraid of heights, got me tickets to sky dive for my birthday. When I reminded her of my fear, she stated that she forgot and should just keep them for herself and her boyfriend. My mom agreed. FML

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50081

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4099

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

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37307

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5176

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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15762

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37408

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By _kristaaxo - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

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13220

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1507

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By dilligaf - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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30281

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18469

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a parking ticket on my car. Out of five cars who were in violation of the same infraction, I was the only one who received a ticket. FML

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27335

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8983

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By doggylove - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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23527

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2208

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By uwotm8 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML

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17730

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25273

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By ThisisMedSchool - United States - Johnson City

Today, while studying liver pathology and highlighting important lines in my textbook, I realized that I could count the number of words I hadn't highlighted on one hand, over the last six pages. FML

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20337

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8855

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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26442

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2529

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By HateTheBus

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2299

You deserved it

193

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By Anonymous

Sashay away!

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

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3670

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364

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By Wet dreamer

Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML

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5797

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714

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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24606

You deserved it

3702

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By idiotfriend - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

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11692

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87553

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By brick - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

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2088

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3014

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By bystander - United States

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

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26662

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2876

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

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32412

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20752

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By SpongeAbii2 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML

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31676

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2949

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By ET - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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20454

You deserved it

1715

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

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40590

You deserved it

2791

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By calli - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31374

You deserved it

4588

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By Sadboy - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44507

You deserved it

7177

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By heckaza - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19550

You deserved it

1900

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New revelation

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2219

You deserved it

172

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By Anonymous - United States - Saugus

Today, my boyfriend found a movie he loved on Netflix. He was so excited to show it to me and was certain I'd love it. I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really thought of White Chicks. FML

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40619

You deserved it

10293

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By Jaime and Cersei sittin in a tree - 4/11/2020 13:02 - United States - Madison

Family values

Today, I complimented my girlfriend on her new, very detailed bikini wax. She proudly said, "Thanks! Troy’s been doing them for me since the all the salons have been locked down." Troy is her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1417

You deserved it

115

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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16965

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7392711 - Friday 20 January 2017 9:38

It's ok. Most guys are pretty cool watching girls kissing boxes. ;)

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#7392712 - Friday 20 January 2017 9:48

That is definitely a new level of excitement!!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7392711 - Friday 20 January 2017 9:38

It's ok. Most guys are pretty cool watching girls kissing boxes. ;)

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#7392712 - Friday 20 January 2017 9:48

That is definitely a new level of excitement!!

By jcash52426 | 5

#7392784 - Friday 20 January 2017 12:13

Why didn't you kiss the computer. Also isn't that box covered in germs.

species4872 | 19

#7393858 - Saturday 21 January 2017 19:26

Who cares, it was NEW.

By undebatable52419 | 5

#7392850 - Friday 20 January 2017 14:21

we've all been there

By TMO2142 | 25

#7392940 - Friday 20 January 2017 17:32

Getting a new pc is one of the best things in the world

By species4872 | 19

#7392978 - Friday 20 January 2017 18:36

Just think how excited your cat will be... a new box.

By shitstorm28 | 11

#7393204 - Friday 20 January 2017 21:17

might as well take it a step further. make eye contact, lick the box, and wink at him.

By trucker2 | 33

#7393373 - Saturday 21 January 2017 2:54

Hey probably thought your new sex toy arrived....giggles

By brenton490 | 19

#7393395 - Saturday 21 January 2017 5:10

It's okay I kissed all the boxes my computer parts came in as well!

By iswearimhuman | 12

#7393653 - Saturday 21 January 2017 13:52

"We all have hobbies."