Miscellaneous: Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday... - FML

By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Running commentary

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By ShouldveStayedAVirgin - United States - Houston

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

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By jkin47 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 06:31 - India

The one with the asshole friend

Today, after going through a surgery related to my ovaries, having a life-threatening complication during the surgery due to anesthesia, my doctor warning me about future infertility, a friend tells me that no one will marry me now, since I have stretch marks and stitches marks on my abdomen. FML

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By babygurl69 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By strugglingartist - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I came home to find two letters from a publishing house that I'd submitted my manuscript to. The first was congratulatory, stating that my book had been accepted for publishing. The second was apologetic, stating that the first letter had been intended for someone else. FML

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By adsfkerfmpo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I made a date to try to save our relationship. I sat in his room for hours while he watched YouTube videos of World of Warcraft. FML

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By creepystalkerguy - United States

Today, a woman yelled at me to stop following her around the store. We were in IKEA. The only way to get through the store is to follow the arrows through a one-way path. Apparently, no one informed her of this. FML

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By Luke - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after closing down the gas station I work at, I went to unlock the door to the building. Turned out the lock broke and I was locked inside until my boss could get there to let me out. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By Butter_Cup - United States

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

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By virginkiller - Singapore

You learn something new every day

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By illenram06 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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By brooke - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By michelle - France

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML

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By sifa - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By JH - United States

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

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By Liv - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By ciararow - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

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By mjayne17 - Canada

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my school's ski trip got canceled, because "All the snow makes the roads unsafe." We can't go skiing because it's snowing. FML

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By HannaMD - Canada

Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

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By Anonymous - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husbands rather rattling snoring, I finally managed it... only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML

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By Anonymous

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By DaycareMama92

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

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By ayye_its_nikki - United States - Cedar Park

Today, in the middle of the night, I got up to go get some water. When I came back, I was going to flop onto my bed, but I faceplanted into my floor. I'd forgotten that I'd rearranged my room and moved my bed. FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States - Henderson

Today, after spending a lazy day at home, I went to UPS with my mom to help her pick up a package. While in line, she sent me back to the car because I'm, "an embarrassment to be around" when I'm not wearing makeup. FML

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By dangyo - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriends shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML

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By Danana - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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By purrtygirl - United States

Today, a guy from my school came into my work. I knew him but forgot his name. I didn't want to be rude and ask for his name when he probably expected me to know it. So, thinking I was clever, I said "How do you spell your name again?". His name was Rob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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Top comments

By designedlikedice | 0

#120736 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:00

At least you weren't awake while the roach was crawling down your throat.

By Sonalis | 9

#120720 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:58

Ewwwwwwwww is all I can say. That must suck.

COMMENTS

By delighted_fml | 0

#120715 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:57

First!
And... oh god.

By lost4nao | 0

#120718 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:57

rofl, dam thats hilarious...but dont worry, itll be gone in a day or two ;)

By Sonalis | 9

#120720 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:58

Ewwwwwwwww is all I can say. That must suck.

By roll_fukng_tide | 0

#120723 - Saturday 18 April 2009 1:58

... nasty. nasty. nastyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. im not hungry anymore....fuck

By designedlikedice | 0

#120736 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:00

At least you weren't awake while the roach was crawling down your throat.

Reply

girl112891 | 7

#3557396 - Tuesday 8 November 2011 8:13

I twitched after reading that!

Reply

momo3p | 22

#6564959 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 19:56

Same ech

By moosey1234 | 0

#120738 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:01

lol good protein!!!! tht is one gr88 thing to wake up too. .. .

By jimmyweee | 0

#120747 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:03

ahahah He's trying to find the rest of his roach buddies!!

By Jaywin | 3

#120749 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:03

Hahaha there's a Papa Roach ad to the right of this site as I type this.

Reply

blkwhtrbbt | 0

#811955 - Sunday 31 January 2010 8:48

WIN

By Occam | 0

#120757 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:04

Blatant rip-off of "What did I just swallow?"

By Zebidiah | 0

#120761 - Saturday 18 April 2009 2:05

HAHA that sucks
but, actually, you eat random bugs in your sleep
thats pretty bad one leg got stuck tho =|

Reply

infamousd3ath | 0

#906647 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 5:23

O.O

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1022491 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:25

LOL