Intimacy: Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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A boy can dream

It's called being a wage slave

Simping

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

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By Anonymous

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By motherfucked - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

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By gloomy

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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By hmacy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML

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By Alup132

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 16:58 - United States

Capitalism, baby!

Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

If it's brown, let it float around.

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

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By edhalen - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 14:01

Selfish tit

Today, I'm running on two hours sleep thanks to our new baby. My partner slept all night, and when I asked them to take over so I could have a nap, they ran to bed, saying that they needed to sleep. Why? Apparently, the baby noise woke them up "once or twice" and they needed the extra sleep more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

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By porkfriedlife - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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By bigmouth - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By welly223 - Canada

Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML

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By really - United States - Knoxville

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to get blood drawn. Apparently, my veins are too thin and no blood would flow into the tube. I'm afraid of needles, and was just poked with some unsuccessfully, and I have to go back next week to try again. FML

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By FML136969 - United States - Oxford

Today, I tried channeling Mr. Miyagi by catching a fly with my bare hands. It turned out to be a wasp. FML

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By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

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By LDF - France

Today, I sat in the train and the old lady sitting next to me stares at my face. I ask her if she is ok and she starts yelling "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?". The entire train trip went like this. FML

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By blahbags - United Kingdom

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

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By sobasics - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By shittysongs - United States - Bothell

Today, I was so bored at a dinner party that I went to the bathroom to play games on my phone. One of my co-workers came in, so I rushed into a stall, but forgot to turn my phone's sound off. She heard it and said, "It's OK, music helps me shit too" and started blasting her music and grunting. FML

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By Habit - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By Failure - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By hickhick

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By notinthebutt - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

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By justnance - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

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By mandybar15 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

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By snownerd - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

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Top comments

By FBIWarning | 0

#307713 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

jeeze how long were you at it for the battery to die?

By Nev09 | 0

#307705 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

next time:

1) set up webcam
2) post up movie
3) ????
4) profit!

COMMENTS

By heatherlk4 | 0

#307694 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:01

oh man that sucks.

Reply

etch_a_scetch | 0

#588949 - Sunday 27 September 2009 2:09

Not all Vibrators come with batteries,
she might of taken ones out from the vemote or something else which have been used already quite a bit.

Reply

pedobearsstalker | 0

#906473 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 4:24

today I was vibrating in some girls vagina and it smelled so bad I died

Reply

metalhead256 | 0

#915816 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:05

WTF #275 saying shit like that means you probly never Evan seen anybody nude don't lie to your self

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#940509 - Saturday 13 March 2010 0:21

WTF 276 grammar like that makes you look like a retard.

Reply

omg_thats_funny | 0

#1035807 - Saturday 19 June 2010 11:04

#275 hilarious :)

Reply

starcraft2FTW | 0

#1679757 - Thursday 11 November 2010 0:26

get lithium batteries they rock

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#3712749 - Saturday 10 December 2011 23:00

I second that.

Reply

waffle3z | 6

#5622373 - Sunday 11 August 2013 7:50

Not all vibrators come with batteries, but it seems that all women do.

By strawberryy_fml | 0

#307702 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

no way.. just your luck eh?

Reply

urmomluvsme | 0

#319377 - Friday 19 June 2009 4:02

lol definitely not her luck, but seriously, either your friend must have used the vibrator a lot or you took a REALLY long time to orgasm.

Reply

nike1 | 0

#329914 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:34

That's true.

Reply

laneylovesu2 | 3

#3231266 - Sunday 4 September 2011 2:03

...and she was left disappointed again. Sad story:(

Reply

Horcruxer | 0

#3775378 - Friday 23 December 2011 8:16

Shii if she was in bed with me she wouldn't have even needed a vibrator

Reply

MrMassive | 0

#4728055 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 18:52

No fucking shit Sherlock.

By Nev09 | 0

#307705 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

next time:

1) set up webcam
2) post up movie
3) ????
4) profit!

Reply

lawlfyl | 0

#327182 - Sunday 21 June 2009 19:15

lmao! awesome reference.

Reply

HELLO_KITTY904 | 0

#332033 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 3:00

R0FL i WANNA MAKE A MOVIE....OH YEA.....NICE

Reply

imago_fml | 0

#644306 - Thursday 29 October 2009 13:25

It might have been an awesome reference if he didn't do it wrong. He gave all the steps. Lame.

Reply

iluvsidney | 0

#820925 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 6:18

do it

Reply

griffmo24 | 0

#1354710 - Sunday 5 September 2010 11:07

what's left (advice dog rules)

Reply

navalacademy2015 | 4

#4858085 - Saturday 25 August 2012 5:39

#269, Do you even know what you are talking about?

By diki_fml | 2

#307706 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

LOL

By Associate | 0

#307707 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

Get more batteries.

Reply

karmaSUCKS321453 | 0

#1072343 - Thursday 8 July 2010 0:59

or she could just get energizer batteries. if she could live with the "bunny that never stops."

By awuh_man | 0

#307711 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

that's hot

By FBIWarning | 0

#307713 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

jeeze how long were you at it for the battery to die?

Reply

Justice264 | 0

#3027278 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:22

Same thing i was thinking

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#4709245 - Thursday 19 July 2012 21:08

That's what I'm sayin'!!

Reply

ItIsMeSRC | 7

#6125500 - Saturday 22 November 2014 22:01

If it takes her that long to orgasm, no wonder it's never happened with a guy!

By wowfmlife | 0

#307715 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:04

Your life's ruined because you didn't have an orgasm? Doesn't take much these days...

Reply

NikkiFlysKites | 8

#2510038 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:44

I think the whole idea of this FML was meant to be ironic. She'd never had an orgasm with a man, and right before she almost reached her point with the vibrator, it died.

Reply

NotDave | 0

#3727623 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:02

How is that even remotely ironic...?

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#307717 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:04

Ehehehe.. life sucks

By som_fml | 0

#307720 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:05

...so? Don't know how to pleasure yourself, eh?