Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 11:23 - United States

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

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Season finale

Rich people problems

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By EpicFailAtItsFinest - 13/4/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

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By Public Indecency - 28/6/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By prego - 13/4/2012 14:15 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my husband told me to stop faking being sick, because, "morning sickness doesn't happen after noon." FML

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By babydoll13211 - 4/9/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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By moneycatious - 19/3/2012 23:50 - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By FangirlMess6 - 24/3/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

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By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By ottawaaa - 27/1/2009 22:26 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

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By Just Me - 26/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By insomniac - 3/9/2010 23:02

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By seriously wtf - 8/3/2013 03:18 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By wtf? - 19/7/2014 05:53 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

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By sucks - 17/5/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By Dan - 8/10/2009 16:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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By PrintMaster - 20/7/2010 02:06 - United States

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

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By Jake - 29/4/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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By NeedMoreFriends - 3/7/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

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By hatinthelife - 18/2/2012 06:34 - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By jocksblow - 14/11/2011 13:23 - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy - 26/6/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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By maggierose171 - 19/5/2012 15:08 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

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By Chey - 22/3/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 07:32 - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 16:54 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

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By thatgirl17 - 31/8/2012 05:23 - United States

Today, I was working the cash register. While helping a customer with her groceries, my bra snapped. I then had to ask my male boss if I could staple it back together. Thirty minutes later it snapped again. I then had to explain to my boss that I was too broke to buy a new one. FML

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By MissIsabel - 3/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 14:00

Today, I went through my purse to see where my keys were. I found my house keys, but not my car keys, so I freaked out. When I remembered that I was driving, I felt stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 22:43 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

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By Explicit - 13/1/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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By unlucky_number13 - 14/7/2009 09:41 - United States

Today, my crush came over and we began to fool around. He started to kiss my stomach, and just when I was getting into it, he pulled away with a disgusted look on his face, wiped his mouth, and said, "We'll continue this when you get rid of all your bellybutton lint." FML

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By birthday_loser - 23/1/2013 19:33 - United States - Newport News

Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 17:06 - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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By Tag - 31/8/2013 04:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By stankness - 22/3/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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Top comments

By FBIWarning | 0

#307713 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

jeeze how long were you at it for the battery to die?

By Nev09 | 0

#307705 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

next time:

1) set up webcam
2) post up movie
3) ????
4) profit!

COMMENTS

By heatherlk4 | 0

#307694 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:01

oh man that sucks.

Reply

etch_a_scetch | 0

#588949 - Sunday 27 September 2009 2:09

Not all Vibrators come with batteries,
she might of taken ones out from the vemote or something else which have been used already quite a bit.

Reply

pedobearsstalker | 0

#906473 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 4:24

today I was vibrating in some girls vagina and it smelled so bad I died

Reply

metalhead256 | 0

#915816 - Friday 5 March 2010 4:05

WTF #275 saying shit like that means you probly never Evan seen anybody nude don't lie to your self

Reply

look_its_me | 0

#940509 - Saturday 13 March 2010 0:21

WTF 276 grammar like that makes you look like a retard.

Reply

omg_thats_funny | 0

#1035807 - Saturday 19 June 2010 11:04

#275 hilarious :)

Reply

starcraft2FTW | 0

#1679757 - Thursday 11 November 2010 0:26

get lithium batteries they rock

Reply

iBiteRoses | 22

#3712749 - Saturday 10 December 2011 23:00

I second that.

Reply

waffle3z | 6

#5622373 - Sunday 11 August 2013 7:50

Not all vibrators come with batteries, but it seems that all women do.

By strawberryy_fml | 0

#307702 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

no way.. just your luck eh?

Reply

urmomluvsme | 0

#319377 - Friday 19 June 2009 4:02

lol definitely not her luck, but seriously, either your friend must have used the vibrator a lot or you took a REALLY long time to orgasm.

Reply

nike1 | 0

#329914 - Monday 22 June 2009 13:34

That's true.

Reply

laneylovesu2 | 3

#3231266 - Sunday 4 September 2011 2:03

...and she was left disappointed again. Sad story:(

Reply

Horcruxer | 0

#3775378 - Friday 23 December 2011 8:16

Shii if she was in bed with me she wouldn't have even needed a vibrator

Reply

MrMassive | 0

#4728055 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 18:52

No fucking shit Sherlock.

By Nev09 | 0

#307705 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:02

next time:

1) set up webcam
2) post up movie
3) ????
4) profit!

Reply

lawlfyl | 0

#327182 - Sunday 21 June 2009 19:15

lmao! awesome reference.

Reply

HELLO_KITTY904 | 0

#332033 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 3:00

R0FL i WANNA MAKE A MOVIE....OH YEA.....NICE

Reply

imago_fml | 0

#644306 - Thursday 29 October 2009 13:25

It might have been an awesome reference if he didn't do it wrong. He gave all the steps. Lame.

Reply

iluvsidney | 0

#820925 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 6:18

do it

Reply

griffmo24 | 0

#1354710 - Sunday 5 September 2010 11:07

what's left (advice dog rules)

Reply

navalacademy2015 | 4

#4858085 - Saturday 25 August 2012 5:39

#269, Do you even know what you are talking about?

By diki_fml | 2

#307706 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

LOL

By Associate | 0

#307707 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

Get more batteries.

Reply

karmaSUCKS321453 | 0

#1072343 - Thursday 8 July 2010 0:59

or she could just get energizer batteries. if she could live with the "bunny that never stops."

By awuh_man | 0

#307711 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

that's hot

By FBIWarning | 0

#307713 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:03

jeeze how long were you at it for the battery to die?

Reply

Justice264 | 0

#3027278 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:22

Same thing i was thinking

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#4709245 - Thursday 19 July 2012 21:08

That's what I'm sayin'!!

Reply

ItIsMeSRC | 7

#6125500 - Saturday 22 November 2014 22:01

If it takes her that long to orgasm, no wonder it's never happened with a guy!

By wowfmlife | 0

#307715 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:04

Your life's ruined because you didn't have an orgasm? Doesn't take much these days...

Reply

NikkiFlysKites | 8

#2510038 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:44

I think the whole idea of this FML was meant to be ironic. She'd never had an orgasm with a man, and right before she almost reached her point with the vibrator, it died.

Reply

NotDave | 0

#3727623 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 1:02

How is that even remotely ironic...?

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#307717 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:04

Ehehehe.. life sucks

By som_fml | 0

#307720 - Monday 15 June 2009 20:05

...so? Don't know how to pleasure yourself, eh?