Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 04:06 - Canada - London

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Workaholic

Mixology

By depressed - 22/2/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

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By stay in there - 17/4/2020 23:00

Dumbasses

Today, I got a call from the local police station. Apparently, my idiot son and his equally dumb girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to have sex in the car at a park in broad daylight. They assumed no one would be there due to the quarantine. They were wrong. FML

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By Rari - 9/6/2016 16:04 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By maddie94 - 27/4/2009 09:14 - Australia

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 09:28 - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML

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By 16590 - 15/6/2012 22:13 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By julieriis - 23/12/2015 18:03 - Denmark - Hals

Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - 24/12/2016 20:14 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By Skittles - 13/8/2017 20:00

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML

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By lovelife - 27/9/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, I was robbed of five bucks by a vending machine that said "Enjoy Life!" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML

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By CP slave - 11/9/2019 06:02 - United States

Entitled

Today, a man yelled at me for what seemed like an eternity when I told him his child wasn't tall enough to ride a roller coaster. His daughter was about 3 years-old. The coaster is the second tallest in the world. I deal with morons like this every day, at minimum wage. FML

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By Creepster - 13/1/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I almost crashed my car because I was checking out an Old Navy mannequin wearing a bra. FML

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By Anthony Hathaway - 19/10/2018 13:30

Today, as I was taking the garbage out, I tripped over my own feet, causing my knee to dislocate in such a way that it shattered the back of my kneecap and fractured my femur. I guess I won't be taking the garbage out again anytime soon. FML

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By wasted_gas - 5/10/2013 16:00 - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By Confusedblonde - 30/4/2015 03:31 - United States - Canton

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, all because he thought I was a communist, a sinner, and a terrorist, simply because I think the gay rights are OK, because I agree with some feminists, and because I got blonde highlights in my hair. FML

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By w-dog - 24/8/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - 12/10/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By CutestBoysEver - 30/10/2012 01:30 - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By Neveragain - 1/7/2013 05:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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By bit_fluff - 20/10/2020 02:01

Splashed out

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

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By Madison43097 - 24/9/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By Chris Chandler - 4/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By JustAmirage - 14/2/2019 20:00

Today, it was my first day at work. They had me a large tray with lots of food on it, even after I told them I wasn’t comfortable carrying it. I hit the door on the way out of the kitchen, spilling everything on the tray, breaking 2 soup bowls and 3 salad plates. FML

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By BookBabe - 25/3/2012 15:34 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By pleasestop - 11/6/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By bigdaddy - 25/9/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By aurora320 - 19/7/2016 19:50 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

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By darkman28 - 7/4/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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By whymommywhy - 21/4/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By alhummel21 - 12/2/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

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By chickenlover - 27/8/2009 20:53 - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

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By x - 5/11/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 65 dollars in cab fare and skipped half of my grade 12 classes, including a unit test, to see my girlfriend on our two year anniversary. I arrived just in time to see her kiss her other boyfriend of over a year good bye. FML

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By Some Girl - 8/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

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By CircleBruise - 8/6/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

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By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 19:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

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Top comments

By Zelphoric | 25

#5884505 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

He wants dirty texts? Send him a picture of mud, maybe he'll understand that. Quite dirty if I do say so myself.

By m22100 | 14

#5884500 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:58

Maybe you should send pics, that's more clear. ;)

COMMENTS

By m22100 | 14

#5884500 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:58

Maybe you should send pics, that's more clear. ;)

Reply

nightfire2258 | 24

#5884515 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

That could go very bad very fast. Especially if the relationship doesn't last. Plus the NSA is watching...

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5884518 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:06

The NSA is currently too busy posing as facebook to notice; go for it.

Reply

smc3106 | 25

#5884593 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:01

Just keep your face out of them and you'll be alright. Lol

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5884604 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:22

Damn. That was harsh!
You saying she's a butter face?

Reply

rawr1308 | 14

#5884612 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:34

He's saying if you keep your face out of the pictures and they do get posted online at least no one will know who it's a picture of.

Reply

SuperStormCindy | 8

#5884799 - Friday 14 March 2014 19:20

It's a common rule of sending nudes to never include your face.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5884875 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:28

unless you have tattoos...

By brianlarkin | 7

#5884502 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:59

I'm not really sure how to respond to this

Reply

SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5884540 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:24

Shouldn't have responded at all.

Reply

amzing_a16 | 10

#5884577 - Friday 14 March 2014 13:32

Then don't...

Reply

fivetimeslonger | 24

#5884756 - Friday 14 March 2014 18:04

I got it! Made me giggle.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5884879 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:41

You're reaching too far.

Reply

davincidasecond | 24

#5884930 - Friday 14 March 2014 22:22

Am I the only one who got the joke ...?

Reply

toaster123 | 11

#5884976 - Friday 14 March 2014 23:21

apparently yes.

Reply

pita1331 | 7

#5885017 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:15

Nope i got the joke as well

Reply

TallMist | 32

#5913142 - Sunday 13 April 2014 10:05

I understood and it was funny.

By Zelphoric | 25

#5884505 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

He wants dirty texts? Send him a picture of mud, maybe he'll understand that. Quite dirty if I do say so myself.

Reply

SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5884543 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:28

Sometimes I send a picture of a public restroom. Now that's dirty as hell.

Reply

Dthsapprntc | 23

#5884764 - Friday 14 March 2014 18:21

The worst toilet in Scotland from "Trainspotting"? Doesn't get much dirtier than that.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5884877 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:30

I loved that movie. that bathroom is definitely the dirtiest.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5884506 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

Send him illustrations, that should clear things up.

By BeautifulChaos27 | 37

#5884507 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

Lets hope he really knows what you mean and is just trying to get more detailed responces out of you by playing dumb.

By doglover100 | 28

#5884508 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

What did he expect when he said "dirty things"?

Reply

You_Screwed_Up | 7

#5885014 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:12

Things that need to be cleaned

Reply

doglover100 | 28

#5885056 - Saturday 15 March 2014 1:29

That's what I thought.

By alex_gen | 38

#5884509 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

Did he say sexual or just "dirty"?

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5885029 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:38

Does it really need clarification?

Reply

EdenCrystal | 21

#5885101 - Saturday 15 March 2014 1:59

Apparently to him

By Amoondris | 17

#5884512 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:02

Sometimes being vague or implying things rather than stating them flat out is confusing. Some guys just need you to say exactly what you want when you want it and tell them exactly what you are going to do in detail.

Reply

TallMist | 32

#5913165 - Sunday 13 April 2014 10:28

Why is #9 thumbed down? He's right. Some things you gotta say bluntly rathher than subtlely.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5884513 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

Remember: all those euphemisms you learned to use don't make sense if you pile them all in one sentence.

By Black_Knight80 | 13

#5884514 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

Don't get mad at him. He seems pretty good for you.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5884795 - Friday 14 March 2014 19:17

How could you possibly get that from what she said?