Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 04:06 - Canada - London

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52751

You deserved it

7288

Tweet

Share

Everyone's an expert

Compassion

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6175

You deserved it

547

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 18:54 - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27395

You deserved it

1933

Tweet

Share

By fudgydiaper22 - 30/1/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33032

You deserved it

5121

Tweet

Share

By almost_a_pro - 23/4/2015 13:43 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29994

You deserved it

9009

Tweet

Share

By waitwhat - 18/3/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12735

You deserved it

60032

Tweet

Share

By CollegeKid - 22/1/2017 22:00

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10291

You deserved it

710

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 08:51 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, one of my friends thought it would be funny to tell my psycho clinger of an ex that I still like her. It had only been a few months since she finally stopped stalking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23813

You deserved it

1628

Tweet

Share

By foreveralone - 13/11/2012 10:23 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8839

You deserved it

34183

Tweet

Share

By lynn - 17/2/2010 06:30 - United States

Today, I found out my cousin - who suffers from bipolar disorder - shot herself in the chest and has only a 20 percent chance of living. I told my boyfriend, while crying, and he held me for a few minutes. As soon as I got quiet, he pulled out his iPhone and started playing a shooter game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43714

You deserved it

4354

Tweet

Share

By - 23/2/2020 20:00

That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2424

You deserved it

292

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/8/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46032

You deserved it

4750

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/12/2016 09:35

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10126

You deserved it

1402

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

232

Tweet

Share

By klaatu barada nikto - 20/1/2015 13:23 - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33107

You deserved it

2672

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36790

You deserved it

6671

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48809

You deserved it

4435

Tweet

Share

By reserved - 22/10/2012 09:01 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27844

You deserved it

1938

Tweet

Share

By strikeout - 4/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44599

You deserved it

8151

Tweet

Share

By miji - 30/10/2018 19:42

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2771

You deserved it

169

Tweet

Share

By creepedasfuck - 23/9/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31011

You deserved it

2355

Tweet

Share

By Stupid - 1/3/2018 15:00

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3892

You deserved it

842

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43297

You deserved it

3034

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29098

You deserved it

6617

Tweet

Share

By involuntary waxing - 15/1/2012 09:00 - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38866

You deserved it

4287

Tweet

Share

By Ghettogirl4life - 12/7/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33905

You deserved it

3145

Tweet

Share

By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3984

You deserved it

669

Tweet

Share

By Brady - 30/4/2013 16:00 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I called a taxi after a night of partying. When it arrived, I realised I had no cash, so I told the driver I'd quickly grab some from an ATM. He made me leave my phone with him as collateral in case I was pulling a prank. He drove off the moment I turned my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43454

You deserved it

14994

Tweet

Share

By LukesSkyWalker - 22/6/2015 20:35 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24560

You deserved it

2995

Tweet

Share

By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3500

You deserved it

397

Tweet

Share

By orangechicken - 16/4/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24740

You deserved it

5836

Tweet

Share

By Alec - 15/6/2011 09:02 - United States

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17960

You deserved it

38032

Tweet

Share

By ohman - 17/7/2009 17:29 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41117

You deserved it

8156

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 02:49 - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17094

You deserved it

41575

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 21/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41856

You deserved it

8712

Tweet

Share

By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31801

You deserved it

8030

Tweet

Share

By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28740

You deserved it

3634

Tweet

Share

By Emily - 5/12/2012 17:55 - United States - Boston

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26581

You deserved it

4310

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

770

Tweet

Share

By but I tried anal and everything - 22/11/2012 16:13 - United States - Des Moines

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33650

You deserved it

6662

Tweet

Share

By littleone37 - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64885

You deserved it

4820

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Zelphoric | 25

#5884505 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

He wants dirty texts? Send him a picture of mud, maybe he'll understand that. Quite dirty if I do say so myself.

By m22100 | 14

#5884500 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:58

Maybe you should send pics, that's more clear. ;)

Comments

By m22100 | 14

#5884500 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:58

Maybe you should send pics, that's more clear. ;)

Reply

nightfire2258 | 24

#5884515 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

That could go very bad very fast. Especially if the relationship doesn't last. Plus the NSA is watching...

Reply

Pleonasm | 34

#5884518 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:06

The NSA is currently too busy posing as facebook to notice; go for it.

Reply

smc3106 | 25

#5884593 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:01

Just keep your face out of them and you'll be alright. Lol

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5884604 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:22

Damn. That was harsh!
You saying she's a butter face?

Reply

rawr1308 | 14

#5884612 - Friday 14 March 2014 14:34

He's saying if you keep your face out of the pictures and they do get posted online at least no one will know who it's a picture of.

Reply

SuperStormCindy | 8

#5884799 - Friday 14 March 2014 19:20

It's a common rule of sending nudes to never include your face.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5884875 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:28

unless you have tattoos...

By brianlarkin | 7

#5884502 - Friday 14 March 2014 11:59

I'm not really sure how to respond to this

Reply

SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5884540 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:24

Shouldn't have responded at all.

Reply

amzing_a16 | 10

#5884577 - Friday 14 March 2014 13:32

Then don't...

Reply

fivetimeslonger | 24

#5884756 - Friday 14 March 2014 18:04

I got it! Made me giggle.

Reply

AlaskanG | 27

#5884879 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:41

You're reaching too far.

Reply

davincidasecond | 24

#5884930 - Friday 14 March 2014 22:22

Am I the only one who got the joke ...?

Reply

toaster123 | 11

#5884976 - Friday 14 March 2014 23:21

apparently yes.

Reply

pita1331 | 7

#5885017 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:15

Nope i got the joke as well

Reply

TallMist | 32

#5913142 - Sunday 13 April 2014 10:05

I understood and it was funny.

By Zelphoric | 25

#5884505 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

He wants dirty texts? Send him a picture of mud, maybe he'll understand that. Quite dirty if I do say so myself.

Reply

SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5884543 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:28

Sometimes I send a picture of a public restroom. Now that's dirty as hell.

Reply

Dthsapprntc | 23

#5884764 - Friday 14 March 2014 18:21

The worst toilet in Scotland from "Trainspotting"? Doesn't get much dirtier than that.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5884877 - Friday 14 March 2014 20:30

I loved that movie. that bathroom is definitely the dirtiest.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5884506 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:00

Send him illustrations, that should clear things up.

By BeautifulChaos27 | 37

#5884507 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

Lets hope he really knows what you mean and is just trying to get more detailed responces out of you by playing dumb.

By doglover100 | 28

#5884508 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

What did he expect when he said "dirty things"?

Reply

You_Screwed_Up | 7

#5885014 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:12

Things that need to be cleaned

Reply

doglover100 | 28

#5885056 - Saturday 15 March 2014 1:29

That's what I thought.

By alex_gen | 38

#5884509 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:01

Did he say sexual or just "dirty"?

Reply

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#5885029 - Saturday 15 March 2014 0:38

Does it really need clarification?

Reply

EdenCrystal | 21

#5885101 - Saturday 15 March 2014 1:59

Apparently to him

By Amoondris | 17

#5884512 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:02

Sometimes being vague or implying things rather than stating them flat out is confusing. Some guys just need you to say exactly what you want when you want it and tell them exactly what you are going to do in detail.

Reply

TallMist | 32

#5913165 - Sunday 13 April 2014 10:28

Why is #9 thumbed down? He's right. Some things you gotta say bluntly rathher than subtlely.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5884513 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

Remember: all those euphemisms you learned to use don't make sense if you pile them all in one sentence.

By Black_Knight80 | 13

#5884514 - Friday 14 March 2014 12:04

Don't get mad at him. He seems pretty good for you.

Reply

lil_ham1644 | 29

#5884795 - Friday 14 March 2014 19:17

How could you possibly get that from what she said?