Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family... - FML

By MoneyMike - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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Season finale

Clocked

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, in a crowded hallway, I saw the guy I fancy standing in front of me, with his arms open wide. Thinking he wanted to hug me, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped back. He looked at me like I was nuts. I then realised he was trying to hug the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By KillMePlease - United States - Hicksville

Today, I was given a new responsibility at the law firm where I work. I'm now in charge of punching holes in every single piece of paper to be found in the office, estimated to be in the hundred-thousands. The reason? I finish my daily clerical work too quickly. FML

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By amiliaroberts123 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

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By ouch

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

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By Yubi - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

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By fiat850 - 9/5/2020 17:00

Messy

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

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By sarskii - United States

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

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By Nazi-chef - United States - Tucson

No mash for you!

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

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By gmac0417 - United States

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

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By graospe - United States

Today, I fainted and woke up in a hospital. My mom drove me to the emergency room. The doctor said I had a panic attack. What did I have a panic attack from? Bidding on eBay. FML

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By NaomiMadison - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By Alexander D. - United States

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

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By nicoleee - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By lemonchips - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

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By coloris

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

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By sparklethelette - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

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By kitchencrime - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

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By Gagging - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, asking if I had left my underwear over at his place. No, no I didn't. They weren't mine. Awesome. FML

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By Laptop - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

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By n - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

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By xOdaatx - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

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By yeaokay - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By mettaton

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By highlycontagious - United States

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

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By Garageless - 14/10/2020 05:02

Ideal location

Today, I live near the bottom of a hill, where there's a curve and I'm seriously considering moving, because someone drove through my garage into the ravine. Insurance says they don't cover "Acts of God." FML

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By Trey - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML

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By Lizofsmeg - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

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Top comments

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

COMMENTS

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#853968 - Sunday 14 February 2010 7:25

and no one noticed?? you must be pretty small! fyl indeedy!!!

Reply

rbond93 | 4

#869406 - Thursday 18 February 2010 19:52

hahahahahaha

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#5590721 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:59

It doesn't really just bleed through your jeans or shorts and run down your thighs. Semen is very thick and usually would just stay smeared all over his thigh, which isn't visible to anyone.

By Ckopc | 0

#28066 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

Regular sex helps to avoid such situations

Reply

SkyBirdy | 5

#4247826 - Monday 2 April 2012 5:12

Or jerking off.

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

Reply

MLSxxox | 3

#576751 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:23

LMAO #3!!!

By suckerz | 0

#28068 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:36

lmao @ # 3

By Kozzy333 | 0

#28083 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:01

#2

and masturbate more.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#848508 - Friday 12 February 2010 16:18

1

Reply

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1018397 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:07

Win on #5's part lol

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#28089 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:06

#3 made me LOL

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#1798572 - Sunday 5 December 2010 20:05

your hot!!!

Reply

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#4283472 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 5:21

You could have responded to #3 then...

Reply

randii_17 | 11

#5225139 - Saturday 8 December 2012 1:35

The formatting was different three years ago...

By timmytimmeh | 0

#28107 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:51

Read what #5 said =]

By Jancho | 0

#28109 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:52

Why wouldn't you take a promotion, there are whole lot bigger idiots than you(appearently not...), that are doing that work, but you won't take the job, cause you are afraid.

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#826567 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:50

wrong FML you comented on :P and OP u can haz masturbationz?

Reply

Nice_but_Unlucky | 0

#884368 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 5:24

uhhhh.... go masturbate. it workss for both of ur situations

By tincan | 0

#28114 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:54

#8 fails. Wrong comment to the wrong post. XD

By Jancho | 0

#28117 - Thursday 12 March 2009 14:01

SOOO smells like fake...