Miscellaneous: Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family... - FML

By MoneyMike - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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Rock, hard place

The smell detective is on the case

Strawberry surprise

By Anonymous - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML

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By thanxguys - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By ManinBlack - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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By NotHauteCouture - United States

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater. FML

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By screwed

Bad choice of material, dude

Today, I told my on and off girlfriend as a joke that I stalked her two years ago. She didn't believe me. When I say she didn't believe me, I mean she didn't believe it was a joke. FM

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By malebonding - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By whatzthehell - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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By geedeewhy

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

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By Lovejunkie - United States

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

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By nixwolfwood

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

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By habassistant - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By SowhatshouldIdo - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I handed in my resignation letter after over 3 and a half years working at the company. My manager is angry with me, since we returned from an overseas business trip yesterday and why didn't I inform her before the trip. She now wants me to pay all costs of trip before leaving the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

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By Kelly - United States - Manteca

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By PizzaBoySwag - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

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By sickness_sucks - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Randolph

All I have to is dream dream dream

Today, I dreamt I wet my pants in front of everyone. It wasn’t a dream. A toddler laughed at me. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By Anonymous

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

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By knifewow - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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By shrimp41 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

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By lulumars - United States

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

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By Athsmatic and Angry - 29/11/2020 22:30 - Canada - Saskatoon

Read the room, lady

Today, I got bitched at by an old lady in Walmart for not wearing a mask. I had lowered my mask to use my inhaler, because I was having an asthma attack. FML

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By dontgothere - United States - Egg Harbor Township

Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML

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By idontwanttoknow - United States

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

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By soontobedivorced - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

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By Ella - Australia

Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML

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By kai - United States

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

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By Holls - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

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By Leftattheairport

Today, I went to pick up my long distance boyfriend at the airport. It has been over six months since I last saw him and four days since I last heard from him. He never showed up. FML

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Top comments

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

COMMENTS

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#853968 - Sunday 14 February 2010 7:25

and no one noticed?? you must be pretty small! fyl indeedy!!!

Reply

rbond93 | 4

#869406 - Thursday 18 February 2010 19:52

hahahahahaha

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#5590721 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:59

It doesn't really just bleed through your jeans or shorts and run down your thighs. Semen is very thick and usually would just stay smeared all over his thigh, which isn't visible to anyone.

By Ckopc | 0

#28066 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

Regular sex helps to avoid such situations

Reply

SkyBirdy | 5

#4247826 - Monday 2 April 2012 5:12

Or jerking off.

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

Reply

MLSxxox | 3

#576751 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:23

LMAO #3!!!

By suckerz | 0

#28068 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:36

lmao @ # 3

By Kozzy333 | 0

#28083 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:01

#2

and masturbate more.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#848508 - Friday 12 February 2010 16:18

1

Reply

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1018397 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:07

Win on #5's part lol

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#28089 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:06

#3 made me LOL

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#1798572 - Sunday 5 December 2010 20:05

your hot!!!

Reply

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#4283472 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 5:21

You could have responded to #3 then...

Reply

randii_17 | 11

#5225139 - Saturday 8 December 2012 1:35

The formatting was different three years ago...

By timmytimmeh | 0

#28107 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:51

Read what #5 said =]

By Jancho | 0

#28109 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:52

Why wouldn't you take a promotion, there are whole lot bigger idiots than you(appearently not...), that are doing that work, but you won't take the job, cause you are afraid.

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#826567 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:50

wrong FML you comented on :P and OP u can haz masturbationz?

Reply

Nice_but_Unlucky | 0

#884368 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 5:24

uhhhh.... go masturbate. it workss for both of ur situations

By tincan | 0

#28114 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:54

#8 fails. Wrong comment to the wrong post. XD

By Jancho | 0

#28117 - Thursday 12 March 2009 14:01

SOOO smells like fake...