Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family... - FML

By MoneyMike - 12/3/2009 00:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Live dumping

Time for the ER

By scfead - 14/8/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By ringmaster101 - 4/3/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By why me? - 11/3/2014 07:21 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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By Uwrongfodat - 9/5/2013 10:11 - United States - Denton

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 10:52 - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 21:57 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML

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By Tuffgunsmoke - 4/2/2010 07:22 - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

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By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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By liltravol23 - 15/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 00:43 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

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By k - 16/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 14:58 - United States - Commack

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 00:01

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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By airport - 10/5/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

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By thefatnurse - 13/11/2014 02:48 - United States - Roswell

Today, one of the patients on the mental health unit where I work looked me up and down and said; "Well, I guess it's a popular misconception that all fat people are jolly." FML

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By - 26/12/2018 06:00 - Australia

Today, As I walked out of the clubs, I slipped in my new shoes and spilt my chicken chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people witness this, but my dress is ruined.. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 10:41 - France

Today, my two favorite things in the world are Pizza and Beer... I now discover I have Celiac and can't have either. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By blkchkrm - 25/12/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I decided I was going to do something nice for my parents for Christmas. So, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, baked cookies, and made them both Christmas cards. What did I get in return? They asked me to wrap my four year old sister's presents, and let me know I got nothing. FML

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By gunnerdog - 27/8/2013 00:22 - United States - Galveston

Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

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By kysier - 1/3/2015 23:36 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was turned down from the dream job that I was promised two years ago, once my chemo and radiation therapy was finished. His excuse? He never actually expected me to survive. FML

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By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By notsohappy - 18/2/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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By Username - 12/1/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML

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By Bibi - 23/9/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

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By GiWi - 18/11/2009 16:45 - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2015 03:23 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was volunteering at a gift-wrapping booth to raise money for autism, and helping others takes my mind off the fact that my mom died at Christmas. While carefully wrapping a present, offering bows, ribbons, and a gift tag, a snobby bitch said to me, "You're not doing a very good job." FML

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By team hit bella with a car - 20/10/2014 02:20 - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

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By bachelor - 26/9/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

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By brittrod - 5/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By foreveralone - 13/11/2012 10:23 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I was working at the checkout of a nearly empty store, so I picked up an empty box, closed my eyes, and slow-danced with it to the 80s love ballad playing on the radio. I don't know what's worse, dancing with a box, or opening my eyes to see ten or so wary customers waiting to be served. FML

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By Nudge23 - 26/9/2011 07:26 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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Top comments

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

Comments

By sucker | 0

#28061 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:31

Ouch... enjoy your adolescence ;)

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#853968 - Sunday 14 February 2010 7:25

and no one noticed?? you must be pretty small! fyl indeedy!!!

Reply

rbond93 | 4

#869406 - Thursday 18 February 2010 19:52

hahahahahaha

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#5590721 - Sunday 21 July 2013 15:59

It doesn't really just bleed through your jeans or shorts and run down your thighs. Semen is very thick and usually would just stay smeared all over his thigh, which isn't visible to anyone.

By Ckopc | 0

#28066 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

Regular sex helps to avoid such situations

Reply

SkyBirdy | 5

#4247826 - Monday 2 April 2012 5:12

Or jerking off.

By HANGtheFREAK | 0

#28067 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:35

haha did your grandma notice?
OHMYGOD was the wet dream ABOUT your grandma?!!

Reply

MLSxxox | 3

#576751 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:23

LMAO #3!!!

By suckerz | 0

#28068 - Thursday 12 March 2009 12:36

lmao @ # 3

By Kozzy333 | 0

#28083 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:01

#2

and masturbate more.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#848508 - Friday 12 February 2010 16:18

1

Reply

Dizzygrl08 | 4

#1018397 - Friday 4 June 2010 2:07

Win on #5's part lol

By Ldy_S_FTW | 0

#28089 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:06

#3 made me LOL

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#1798572 - Sunday 5 December 2010 20:05

your hot!!!

Reply

SoccerForTheWin | 5

#4283472 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 5:21

You could have responded to #3 then...

Reply

randii_17 | 11

#5225139 - Saturday 8 December 2012 1:35

The formatting was different three years ago...

By timmytimmeh | 0

#28107 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:51

Read what #5 said =]

By Jancho | 0

#28109 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:52

Why wouldn't you take a promotion, there are whole lot bigger idiots than you(appearently not...), that are doing that work, but you won't take the job, cause you are afraid.

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#826567 - Friday 5 February 2010 5:50

wrong FML you comented on :P and OP u can haz masturbationz?

Reply

Nice_but_Unlucky | 0

#884368 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 5:24

uhhhh.... go masturbate. it workss for both of ur situations

By tincan | 0

#28114 - Thursday 12 March 2009 13:54

#8 fails. Wrong comment to the wrong post. XD

By Jancho | 0

#28117 - Thursday 12 March 2009 14:01

SOOO smells like fake...