Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still... - FML

By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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All for nothing

Great speech, thanks!

Workaholic

By Afroman720 - 27/7/2015 18:55 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

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By nazooer - 22/3/2012 01:50 - United States

Today, I thought I was going to my doctor for a yearly check-up. My father had actually tricked me into therapy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2017 16:00

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

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By blah - 15/8/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

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By draegoncode - 26/7/2010 04:34 - France

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By Old and Ugly - 23/4/2015 09:04 - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

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By ktiskool - 1/8/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By kacysospacyy - 15/7/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his fifteen year old daughter, the dog. FML

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By BDayssuck - 2/9/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

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By Username - 23/6/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By xXRowynXx - 5/9/2010 19:20 - Canada

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

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By boringhusband - 8/5/2016 14:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By Rhea - 28/10/2009 11:00 - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

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By MJ3105 - 7/5/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

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By It'd be nice to see you too. - 9/6/2014 02:17 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at my all-night senior party, I was talking to the blind girl who I haven't had classes with since 9th grade. I unthinkingly opened the conversation with "Nice to see you again." FML

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By ev_lyn_aw - 28/2/2017 02:00

Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker's extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker's efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML

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By XoXonedirectionXoXo - 23/6/2012 22:21 - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I fell asleep while on the toilet at work. When I woke up, I tried to quietly sneak back to my desk, only to be caught by my boss. He immediately sent me packing and gave his "best wishes" for me in the unemployment line. FML

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By JBK06262009 - 12/11/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I was informed by my boss that he has been stealing quarters out of my change bowl to pay for his bus rides. He makes six times the amount I make. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 23:42 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - 8/9/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By forever alone - 5/5/2019 04:00

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

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By kawaiixalice - 28/12/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

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By WaterNeeded - 21/6/2018 20:30

Shortage

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By The_HML - 24/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 18:22 - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

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By walker - 6/7/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By unacceptable - 4/6/2012 15:02 - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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By "Lisa" - 11/12/2018 04:00 - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By Jenna Berreth - 1/8/2019 16:00

Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

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By bigbum - 4/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By jll14 - 31/3/2013 22:27 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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Top comments

By the_coon_fml | 0

#535408 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:38

wet dream?

By LustWasHeart | 0

#535429 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:43

Should have told them you had a seizure and made them feel bad.

COMMENTS

By Zombrex | 0

#535406 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:37

Smooth.

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#535968 - Thursday 3 September 2009 6:09

he was praying.

By the_coon_fml | 0

#535408 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:38

wet dream?

Reply

BadOwner | 0

#540363 - Saturday 5 September 2009 7:55

still lmfao... maybe funniest one so far

By Carlyyy | 0

#535409 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:38

At least you didn't drool on your desk?

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#535410 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:38

YDI for sleeping

Reply

JustSoLost | 8

#535551 - Thursday 3 September 2009 2:28

LMAO. I agree. :P

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#535788 - Thursday 3 September 2009 4:23

yup you should never sleep in school..... most of the time. :DD

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#535805 - Thursday 3 September 2009 4:30

Lol there is no way you can keep from sleeping. High school classes are so boring, same with college.

The teachers just love to drone on when they talk.

______________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Reply

Strike1 | 0

#535857 - Thursday 3 September 2009 5:00

That's unfortunate for you... my college classes are rather entertaining :)

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#535877 - Thursday 3 September 2009 5:10

some days you're just tired...even if it's not boring

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#535878 - Thursday 3 September 2009 5:12

Oh yeah? What classes are you taking?

My major is astrophysics, and some of the lectures are so boring I just want to set myself on fire.

Reply

ireply_w_lyrics | 0

#535935 - Thursday 3 September 2009 5:53

haha, if ya want lyrics, take a look at my other comments. i think i have 3 on the wrestling (old guy licks his lips) and my fave one is on the anal :)

Reply

lol123mely | 0

#536119 - Thursday 3 September 2009 9:10

thats why i dont like sleeping in class because i have a feeling somthing wrong is going to happen x]

Reply

blahdsflksfd | 0

#540228 - Saturday 5 September 2009 5:33

if you dont like them, why take those courses or be that major. That makes no sense. I am deeply interested in every college course i take

By Forremmy | 0

#535411 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:39

your teacher is funny

By slasher29 | 0

#535413 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:39

sounds like a good teacher

By crazybread101 | 0

#535417 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:41

haha sucks to be u ... that bitch ass teacher smack that foo

By the_coon_fml | 0

#535425 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:42

only thing that could have been worse, saying your teachers name over and over again while nodding your head.

By LustWasHeart | 0

#535429 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:43

Should have told them you had a seizure and made them feel bad.

By abcdefghijk12345_fml_fml | 0

#535430 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:43

Your teacher is awesome