Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture.... - FML

By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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Work name

Great boyfriend

Night terrors

By Anon - 27/2/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By Jorgina226 - 11/8/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2012 14:14 - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

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By Timmy - 26/1/2009 13:28 - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a family of geese nested outside my halls of residence. They have started attacking everyone who tries to get in or out of the building. I'm basically being placed under house arrest by birds. FML

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By Savannah - 15/6/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 00:01

Hair of the dog

Today, I spent 15 minutes scrubbing the bathtub, just to have my roommate come home and give their dog a bath in it. They didn't even rinse it or pull the hair out. I don't know what makes it more annoying, that I'm 6 months pregnant and do all the cleaning while working full-time, or that we have a hose outside. FML

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By hurtsmyears - 7/11/2011 01:23 - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

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By Jen - 9/11/2010 03:36 - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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By heartsick - 24/10/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 21:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after spending months learning Chinese, selling my house and everything I own for my big transfer to Hong Kong, my boss decided I should instead go to our other branch across town. FML

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By Thanksiguess - 19/2/2018 15:00

Today, I told my dad that I'm pregnant. He shook his head and said, sadly, "What a waste. You're way too young to throw your life away like this." Silly me; I was worried that at 46 I might be too old for this. FML

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By drunkluv - 12/4/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

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By scheisse - 14/7/2013 21:25 - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

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By anonymous - 11/11/2018 13:30

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

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By rabid_otaku - 20/9/2014 23:39 - United States - Sycamore

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

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By fmlll - 28/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

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By wish.was.single - 25/1/2012 18:33 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 06:00 - United States - Los Angeles

I'm sitting right here

Today, I got my nails done at a salon where everyone working there was Vietnamese. During my manicure, the manicurists talked about how ugly I was in their native tongue. They couldn't have known that I'd lived in Vietnam and I'm fluent in Vietnamese, but too chickenshit to speak up. FML

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By Jocelyn - 18/2/2019 12:00

Today, I got stressed and well, let's just say I got carried away, pulled off most of my eyelashes on one eye, and now I have to find falsies that look real. FML

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By ohhaithur - 26/7/2019 02:00

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

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By Konstantine - 5/10/2009 13:55 - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 20:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

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By city_girl - 4/2/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

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By simon - 23/7/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - 7/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By pikachu - 20/1/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 06:15

Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

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By chris - 14/6/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By M to the line - 11/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2012 14:30 - United States - Fpo

Today, I ordered ramen to go. I looked at my order and discovered a cockroach. Disgusted, I showed it to them, and they apologized by "replacing" it for free. Later on, while I was enjoying the delicious food, I once again discovered a cockroach buried under all the noodles. FML

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By Janer88 - 30/11/2009 05:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

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By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

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By stressedandcrowded - 5/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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By The horror... - 11/11/2015 16:52 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

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Top comments

By easrc | 5

#41405 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:35

In middle school I had a tech ed. teacher that would pile books on either side of a sleeping students head and then put a leather press (it weighed ~50lbs) on top of the books. Then he told the entire class to yell "wake up!" together and then the slumbering student would wake up and bash their head on the leather press. Nobody fell asleep twice in that class!

By guacala | 0

#41241 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:45

"Awe baby, i was just dreaming about you!"

Comments

By guacala | 0

#41241 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:45

"Awe baby, i was just dreaming about you!"

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#832487 - Sunday 7 February 2010 7:11

YDI for sleeping in class

Reply

lovesick4628 | 0

#988078 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:06

lol #1

By HeadShots4Hope | 0

#41258 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:49

Well played.

By TheMitmit | 0

#41268 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:51

I once fell asleep during a geometry class. When the teacher woke me up I said, "Mom...five more minutes!" My teacher was an Englishman. So, you are not alone in confusing teachers with loved ones...

By TEAZO | 0

#41294 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 23:56

boy oh boy.
mr. sand man bring me a dream make me the cutest that you've ever seen!

By pancakes_n_syrup | 0

#41334 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:09

if you knew you were in class why would you even be saying stuff like that? ha you're own fault

By Pokerdance | 0

#41338 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:10

Haha sucks for you. This is why you don't fall asleep in class.

By Kassad_fml | 0

#41359 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:17

I know how it is sleeping in class since I had done it some few times. But I never respond with word when the teacher woke me up.. just looking at angry face made me silent

By easrc | 5

#41405 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:35

In middle school I had a tech ed. teacher that would pile books on either side of a sleeping students head and then put a leather press (it weighed ~50lbs) on top of the books. Then he told the entire class to yell "wake up!" together and then the slumbering student would wake up and bash their head on the leather press. Nobody fell asleep twice in that class!

Reply

Jbiebs82 | 0

#1002501 - Saturday 22 May 2010 17:51

daymn.. never taking tech.

Reply

Jf770 | 10

#3721579 - Monday 12 December 2011 20:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By blacklagoon_fml | 0

#41427 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:43

HAHAHA this is the funniest thing I have heard all day.

By mrcarmine | 0

#41441 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:50

LMAO i wish i were in your class!!!