Intimacy: Today, I experienced one of those moments in life you never forget.... - FML

By scarredforlife - 12/02/2016 09:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Spicy

Today, I experienced one of those moments in life you never forget. I walked into a homeless man masturbating in a parking garage stairwell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 264

You deserved it 1 815

Broken heart

Compromises

Noise annoys

Is negging still a thing?

By coffeewench - 22/08/2017 04:29

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 252

You deserved it 380

By UpAllNight - 09/02/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 012

You deserved it 279

By Spec - 18/04/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 501

You deserved it 10 157

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 704

You deserved it 21 854

By okaythen - 04/10/2013 09:37 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, a cute guy ditched his date and walked up to me, calling me beautiful. Not knowing how to reply, I just blushed. His date got angry and left. "Sorry. I take that back," he then said. "I was just trying to get rid of her. Thanks anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 201

You deserved it 3 678

By Hailey - 26/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 481

You deserved it 3 054

By Username - 23/06/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 752

You deserved it 5 923

By debodave - 22/07/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 139

You deserved it 68 521

By anon - 27/12/2013 07:28 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 104

You deserved it 3 848

By leahkasscar - 03/05/2017 16:00

Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 960

You deserved it 358

Catwalk

By Anonymous - 18/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was trying to walk in heels. My mom then started cracking up, saying I looked like a baby giraffe learning to walk just after coming out of the womb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 190

Hardly getting used to it

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 859

You deserved it 1 771

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 117

By Anonymous - 16/02/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 129

You deserved it 3 842

By Anonymous - 09/09/2011 22:33 - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 731

You deserved it 6 623

By contracted - 22/08/2016 05:49 - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 957

You deserved it 976

By Barry Wom - 28/11/2018 12:00

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 522

You deserved it 169

By fifthtimesacharm - 26/04/2011 15:03

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 849

You deserved it 5 510

By Nathanael Johnson - 30/07/2019 16:00

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 121

By Noob - 05/03/2018 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 720

You deserved it 434

By gloria77 - 23/01/2012 23:26 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 297

You deserved it 7 458

You're a natural

By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 945

By Anonymous - 07/02/2011 19:57 - Australia

Today, scarcely having time to look at myself, I quickly got dressed and went to work. Only when I got there and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror did I notice that the colour and detail of my black lacy bra could easily be seen. I work for a construction company. Full of men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 003

You deserved it 32 630

Serial Shitter

By Anonymous - 24/10/2021 05:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got an email from a colleague with a picture in it of shit on the toilet seat. The email said, "Not pointing fingers but I left you out of the last email." I pee a lot and so I use the toilet a lot. I think everyone at work thinks it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 72

Awkward

By Nikki - 18/03/2009 03:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 91 281

By Anonymous - 14/06/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 798

You deserved it 54 551

By magicalDEATH - 19/01/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 35 168

By fucker43 - 02/06/2013 06:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my friend made an effort to draw a penis on every page in my analysis textbook in pen. I have to return this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 730

You deserved it 4 714

By Loser - 01/11/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 556

You deserved it 4 611

By Coryj1220 - 26/03/2014 03:53 - United States - Louisville

Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 000

You deserved it 6 227

Say it ain't so

By loserwithlice - 26/07/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I told my 8 year-old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she's ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 846

You deserved it 6 272

Nice guy

By LucklessNiceGuy - 05/12/2011 07:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 451

You deserved it 43 712

Don't feed the animals

By Sara - 22/09/2020 07:54 - Canada

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 160

By Checkless chick - 08/05/2013 22:21 - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 084

You deserved it 54 380

By familyfued - 17/02/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 722

You deserved it 383

By ...... - 16/05/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 436

You deserved it 32 119

By Bad Mommy - 21/06/2012 05:40 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 263

You deserved it 9 396

Healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 11:01

Today, I’m massively depressed and I live in a state that will prosecute you for attempted suicide, but will do nothing to help you afford mental health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 81

By uuuuugh - 21/01/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 068

You deserved it 7 576

By Anonymous - 01/12/2012 00:31 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 158

You deserved it 21 503

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Top comments

NakuEh 27

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:19

Ever wish those memory wipers from Men in Black really existed?

kowsee 22

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:15

Brain bleach... Now

Comments

kowsee 22

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:15

Brain bleach... Now

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:18

At least it's a moment to remember...

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:19

He just needed a hand.

NakuEh 27

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:19

Ever wish those memory wipers from Men in Black really existed?

Seabass_Chan 33

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Friday 12 February 2016 20:46

Maybe they do and you just forgot.

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Saturday 13 February 2016 14:41

those have a name. Neuralyzers

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:19

take out your eyeballs. marinate them in clorox for a few days. wash them thoroughly. let them dry in the sun. repeat process a couple of times before returning eyeballs to sockets.

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Friday 12 February 2016 23:09

Instructions unclear, got dick stuck in eye socket.

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Saturday 13 February 2016 0:07

Lol it's been a while since I've seen one of these

dudeutookhrs 24

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:20

Those places are always full of surprises

M3DO 24

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 13 February 2016 13:05

Oh yeah I'm sure OP just dropped to his knees in excitement. It's not like he posted a Fuck My Life about it. Oh wait...

Warm_Apple_Pie 21

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Friday 19 February 2016 15:25

Maybe if the OP dropped to his knees, the homeless man wouldn't have been masturbating ;)

NickD6 14

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:23

That must be a sticky situation

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Saturday 13 February 2016 16:57

LOL for OP, but not for the homeless guy...or for him...depends in how ya look at et

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:25

Why don't people knock anymore?!?!

BlueBaronBitch 22

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Friday 12 February 2016 18:27

Why would he decide that would be the best place..

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Friday 12 February 2016 20:16

He's homeless lol. The world is his house.

BlueBaronBitch 22

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Friday 12 February 2016 20:20

I suppose.. there's just better places he can do that though..

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Friday 12 February 2016 21:09

Do you diddle your flesh fiddle wherever you are in your home, #25? Or do you use restroom/bedroom? There are places he could go.

xx000o 27

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Friday 12 February 2016 21:42

For him it was the right place at the right time (assuming that he's right hand dominant) for her it was the wrong place at the right time.

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Sunday 14 February 2016 2:06

Lol @ "diddle your flesh fiddle"

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 940

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 177