Love: Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me...

By Can't Believe It. - 03/02/2014 20:11 - United States - Fairview

Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 189

You deserved it 9 181

Love

This Charming Man

Compromises

Empathy lives

By thebickster - 06/03/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 538

You deserved it 49 653

By stuck - 17/06/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 805

You deserved it 10 462

By Chels - 24/05/2019 04:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 520

By mothtal - 03/06/2012 16:13 - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to take me on a date. Just as we were about to drive away, my dad ran out of the house in his underwear and started yelling that he'd kill my boyfriend if I wasn't back home within the hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 466

You deserved it 2 247

Enjoy!

By sad and hungry - 06/06/2015 14:37 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I'm getting over a nasty breakup, and decided to treat myself and order a pizza online. After waiting 45 minutes, I checked the site. Turns out, I'd forgotten to change the address on the site. I sent my ex a free pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 465

You deserved it 6 526

By Saw - 11/02/2012 02:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 575

You deserved it 2 628

By Anonymous - 10/08/2013 04:41 - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 658

You deserved it 6 864

By jshibbz0993 - 23/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 454

You deserved it 6 073

By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 217

You deserved it 3 937

By no low five - 30/11/2011 11:17 - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 805

You deserved it 6 036

By Kev - 20/08/2014 17:53 - United States - Flemington

Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 061

You deserved it 43 710

By disapointed girl - 28/12/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 894

You deserved it 5 841

What's going on?

By Pointless - 10/07/2021 08:01 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, I got a concussion when banging my head. I got extremely nauseous and nearly passed out. The emergency doctor gave me anti-nausea pills. The top three side effects are headache, dizziness and drowsiness. I have no idea if they're working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 101

By Haitwun - 14/12/2015 07:29 - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 096

You deserved it 2 607

Lost again

By Anonymous - 31/12/2019 20:00

Today, the boy I like, came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 720

You deserved it 165

Don't drag me into this

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 20:06

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 330

You deserved it 105

By Madeline Lee - 09/04/2012 21:34 - France - Pessac

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 547

You deserved it 2 990

By Greenskies - 09/12/2015 15:26 - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 438

You deserved it 1 903

By SilverAuthor - 29/07/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 278

You deserved it 2 040

By Anonymous - 14/08/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 453

You deserved it 3 978

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 595

You deserved it 9 443

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 03:17 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 697

You deserved it 2 343

By Anonymous - 16/01/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 651

You deserved it 4 189

By Anonymous - 02/08/2009 21:20 - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 804

You deserved it 51 895

By not a dick-man - 12/08/2014 17:05 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 591

You deserved it 31 378

By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 11:17 - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 050

You deserved it 1 848

Unionize!

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 02:00

Today, despite over 100 colleagues agreeing to attend a protest over our working conditions, no one turned up because they were too afraid of losing their jobs. Since I was alone, I was sacked on the spot and physically thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 194

Troll level 3000

By really?! - 22/03/2020 06:30

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 123

Bye, dipshit

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 224

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 488

You deserved it 4 049

By lectro - 24/11/2008 06:08 - France

Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 415

You deserved it 3 740

By Anonymous - 15/07/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 6 142

By teejayrn - 18/12/2012 10:03

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 903

You deserved it 5 728

The cliché is true

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 21:22 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 558

You deserved it 64 733

Christine

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 02:01

Today, after waiting a week for an update on my car after the engine blew, all covered by warranty, I was informed that my car is under investigation for warranty fraud. This is its fourth engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 88

By Unloving - 31/12/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 948

You deserved it 5 002

By Sarah - 26/03/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 797

You deserved it 6 544

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20 - United States

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 358

You deserved it 4 722

By FourKnees - 15/05/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 308

You deserved it 4 211

By LondonKitsch - 26/06/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 765

You deserved it 29 705

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Top comments

magicman13 9

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:43

He is a keeper OP.

mattjamt 16

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:44

Why reject him in a dream? Dreams are the one place where we can do whatever the hell we want.

magicman13 9

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:43

He is a keeper OP.

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 1:05

That doesn't necessarily make him a keeper. That just makes him the exact same as 98% of other men out there. I for one would make love to Robert Downey Jr. And I'm straight.

Shadowsofthedead 10

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 1:07

It's definitely a smart idea to keep him around, because he's got the right idea and a good head on his shoulders.

random_cashmere 25

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 3:11

Just because someone says someone is attractive does not mean that they are atyracted to them.

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:12

@40... Uh. What? I think I get the point you're trying to make with that comment but it's not really relevant here. It's true though, I never understood why straight men insist they can't tell when another man is attractive. I can't speak for every straight woman, but I certainly know a lot of girls who can tell if another girl is attractive. Back on point... You got a good one, OP. Even just through association, who wouldn't want to kiss Iron Man?

coried91 28

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:43

Your boyfriend makes a valid point, if it happened in real life.

mattjamt 16

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:45

But it didn't..

mattjamt 16

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:44

Why reject him in a dream? Dreams are the one place where we can do whatever the hell we want.

coried91 28

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:47

I have had reality creep into my dreams. I will be doing something I know pisses my husband off and think "what if he finds out?!" Then I stop doing whatever I happened to be doing in my dream. It's really annoying and I can't control it.

mattjamt 16

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:50

I totally understand that, when its something of that nature (pissing off your guy) but not when its something unrealistic, like flirting with RD Jr.

coried91 28

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:56

Cheating pisses most people off. Even if it's with Robert Downey Jr. I know that would probably never happen but even in those kind of dreams reality can still creep in. That's what I was getting at.

AxNxNxIxEx12 7

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 3:06

She probably didn't know she was dreaming

abhi95 31

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 3:52

#39 you are the enlightenment of our era -.-

abhi95 31

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:45

People sure can't get sarcasm these days..!

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 13:41

i'm not sure we can really control dreams can we?

ThatFancyPenn 18

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 15:37

#52, Welcome to the Internet. #60, Yes we can, it's called a lucid dream and it takes a lot of practice to actually have one. I also heard that it has very bad side effects to it though.

laden_swallow09 34

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 19:23

52- We got that it was facetious. Your little emote was enough to tip off anyone. Don't try crying "You just don't understand me!" when you get downvoted. It was unnecessary and just sucked.

Pizzapiggy1 18

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Saturday 8 February 2014 20:12

Yea you usually can't tell when your are in REM sleep but the only way you would know you were dreaming was if you were having a lucid dream in which you could control what you do in a dream while knowing you are in a dream

bobbyguy 17

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:44

Does he realize it was a dream?!

xxtgzxx 7

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:44

Wtf where is everyone? OH SHIT everyone is addicted to flappy birds!

bobbyguy 17

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:45

Correction, everyone is frustrated with Flappy Birds

BabySparkle1 15

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 0:45

I don't blame him. Robert Downey Jr is one sexy man.

cyanidesandwich 21

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Tuesday 4 February 2014 5:12

I have a friend who's pet rabbit is named Robert Downy Jr. So reading this was a lot weirder for me as her pet came to mind first. Then again, what's the difference?