Miscellaneous: Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

By 315 - United States

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7562

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Late term

I'm a mess

By Anonymous

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30409

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9650

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning off a table when one old lady looks up at me and says "I've been a dirty dirty girl" in a seductive tone, I thought she meant about the table so I said "yes you have" then she winked at me, I walked away fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50695

You deserved it

9603

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29332

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5332

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By for fuck sake dad - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33860

You deserved it

3440

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By GreatBlakWarior - 7/9/2020 08:03 - South Africa - Pretoria

Serious times

Today, after several unsuccessful job interviews, I'm starting to feel emotionally down as both my mum and myself are out of work due to Covid. I even applied as a call centre agent with a friend that offered training. He got accepted and I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1775

You deserved it

158

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By Anonymous - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22659

You deserved it

4083

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By fucking_worthless_loser - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5722

You deserved it

1995

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By Cheated - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60152

You deserved it

4536

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By EaglEye

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9286

You deserved it

816

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33427

You deserved it

3047

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By Pithegreat - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, I went to move a load of laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, but the clothes were already in the dryer. Normally, I would be happy about this. However, I am currently living alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22549

You deserved it

2019

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By loveloves154

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3872

You deserved it

245

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By Joe - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34613

You deserved it

22320

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By Amy

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1490

You deserved it

144

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, completely excited, I told my mom about this guy from high school, that I had really liked and who had found me on Facebook. He said he regretted not asking me out in high school and offered to fly me out to visit him. Her response? "Has he seen what you look like now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42422

You deserved it

4337

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was stuck in a room with a man who was catching flies. That I could cope with, until he insisted on turning the lights out because it was 'stressing out' his flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25488

You deserved it

2378

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By Anna - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25925

You deserved it

4402

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Delusional

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

883

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24272

You deserved it

65236

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1541

You deserved it

212

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By anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53062

You deserved it

8444

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By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36517

You deserved it

4499

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By sexybelly - Australia - Parramatta

Today, I was asked when my baby is due. My baby was due 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32790

You deserved it

4595

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By nancie

Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3734

You deserved it

685

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By kris - United States

Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33714

You deserved it

2742

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1707

You deserved it

116

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By cmore - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36798

You deserved it

5602

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

You deserved it

3418

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By Anonymous - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38622

You deserved it

13202

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By CA19oo - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28654

You deserved it

2062

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By Weasel123 - United States - Anadarko

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan after watching a PETA video. She began this new-found lifestyle by throwing out all of the non-vegan items in the house, including some prime rib we had recently purchased, all of our ice cream, and my chocolate stash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28791

You deserved it

2340

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57065

You deserved it

4278

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By who wants spaghetti - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22782

You deserved it

1539

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By Mr.no contacts - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45487

You deserved it

5716

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By bigbum - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33008

You deserved it

2362

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By Ariel_Mariaa - Canada

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29453

You deserved it

4262

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came back to my appartment to find that I couldn't watch certain channels on my tv. When I called the tv company I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all my favorite channels. Im 22 and rent an appartment with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

98434

You deserved it

7841

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25000

You deserved it

6021

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40558

You deserved it

3045

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By sadtimes - Canada

Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21153

You deserved it

4229

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Top comments

By kbtoys | 2

#12508 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:20

Haha, I did that recently, except it was just my bangs. And tequila, instead. But damn if it isn't taking forever for my fucking bangs to grow out...

By derailed | 0

#155946 - Thursday 30 April 2009 7:23

I hate the mods who let this stupid shit pass more than anything

COMMENTS

By Bunbu | 8

#6652 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 22:41

[email protected]
whiskey is awful, vodka is amazing

also, i lol'd

DoctorRoche | 11

#5824691 - Sunday 12 January 2014 2:09

After reading this comment I need some vodka

By kbtoys | 2

#12508 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:20

Haha, I did that recently, except it was just my bangs. And tequila, instead. But damn if it isn't taking forever for my fucking bangs to grow out...

Sweetpea137 | 0

#1825067 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:20

funny pic btw

By SagemoonBlood | 0

#16691 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:15

haha i've read this one a million times but it never gets old.
Easily best FML ever

By savage_pixie | 0

#57430 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 9:27

your an idiot.....clearly you shouldnt be drinking.

garc1795 | 8

#6612699 - Sunday 22 May 2016 23:59

*You're

By elloelle | 0

#59512 - Thursday 26 March 2009 8:26

smooooooooooth

By giffinator | 0

#74387 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 7:52

nothing new.

EmeraldArcher | 10

#6516002 - Thursday 21 January 2016 7:02

Wow... That's normal for you?

By purpleBerryZ | 0

#120417 - Saturday 18 April 2009 0:06

there should be "you're an idiot" and "lame FML" choices besides FYL & YDI... *sigh*

By derailed | 0

#155946 - Thursday 30 April 2009 7:23

I hate the mods who let this stupid shit pass more than anything

By funnymonkey_fml | 0

#205150 - Sunday 17 May 2009 4:39

hahahaha that does suck but its ur own fault

By dearViena | 0

#229561 - Monday 25 May 2009 18:55

vodka FTW!!