Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

7557

45618

Today, after countless failed rejections and derision from women, I've realized that the only time I experience any sort of happiness is when I'm eating. They say there's someone out there for all of us, but maybe that's not true. FML

Miscellaneous

Serious times

Time don't heal nothing

Freak out

By Gary

1540

240

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

13439

1293

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

By Drewzter - United States

User manual

6915

26256

Today, I asked my boyfriend to come hang out with me. He said he was busy and had to do homework. Since he never studies, I got suspicious and went to check up on him. I found him playing dress-up with his cat. He's 17. FML

By iamfab - Australia - Brisbane

30156

5030

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

By kenabrookee - United States - Northridge

43878

14685

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

By fmlxxxx - New Zealand

18104

41926

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30414

2976

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

By idontbleedfromthere - United States - Indio

22886

2138

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

By Blondie - Lebanon

28001

31553

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

By disturbedtosaytheleast - Canada

23906

2656

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

By dammitrain - United States

36383

8435

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

By kjirut - Norway

23446

5030

Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML

By Lukey1028 - United States - San Francisco

26246

3410

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

By Anonymous - United States

45085

2669

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

By xxx - United States - Chesapeake

21096

8273

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

By horp - United States - Torrington

26591

9062

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

31132

7860

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

By hedayk - United States - Bronx

24212

11896

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

By mylove - United States

66883

12731

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML

By Nick - United States

93070

6376

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

By Anonymous

2381

188

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

36216

9997

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

By Alisha Marie - United States

56754

9002

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

By SucksToBeMe - United States

10478

117906

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

By lost_ina_dream - United States

21701

4086

Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction in size from changing my diet and working out isn't my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32230

3262

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29746

2052

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

By ipayyourbillsgorramit - Australia - Queanbeyan

28297

1892

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

38087

2783

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

By Jimii Liu - United States

28522

3328

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

By Meh - United States

76792

8489

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

By tine - Australia - Sydney

32494

3755

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

24823

4663

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

By Anonymous - United States

58589

3593

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

By Ed - United States

29571

11036

Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML

By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Second class citizen

1490

357

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

7286

30013

Today, I came home to my boyfriend emptying his bowels into my aquarium. FML

By fledermausi - Hungary - Budapest

32711

3087

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

By noooooo - Canada

26953

8428

Today, the left side of my head has officially declared its independence. Half of my hair is now curly, the rest is totally flat. FML

By anonyme - France - Grenoble

43518

4622