Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

7549

45588

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

Whatthefuckaburger

Vultures

By LunaCrow - 10/2/2015 02:32 - United States - Shakopee

32344

3105

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

By Cassie - 21/5/2011 07:44 - United States

27829

47102

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

By NotSoAnon - 13/8/2011 15:31 - United States

35247

5032

Today, I was cashiering at a grocery store when an elderly woman came through my line buying prune juice. She then whispered to me that last time she bought it, she "blew up her toilet". FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 04:16 - United States

42485

2859

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

By housewiththinwalls - 10/10/2014 23:22 - Sweden

44720

3933

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

29245

18212

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents house instead. FML

By JessP - 26/2/2009 23:28 - United States

18481

78026

Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML

By maleficunt - 3/6/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Cannock

46849

4007

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

By panickygrl - 6/11/2011 17:43 - United States

28648

3966

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

By Idiot - 22/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Anchorage

5778

1292

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

By Nick - 5/4/2019 16:00

2136

160

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

By novacabudsforme - 15/8/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

14104

983

Today, a girl I've liked for several years gave me her number. Finally, I worked up the courage to call her. It was a suicide help line. FML

By Kin - 25/10/2009 20:48 - United States

48012

3841

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

31132

14367

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

599

1764

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 06:58 - United States

47046

2808

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

By Foster_Em - 4/7/2009 04:38 - United States

20166

79067

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

By NotYourCopyEditor - 6/5/2019 22:00

1720

157

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

By ouchie - 2/1/2010 05:26 - Canada

28234

2619

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

By nosexforthee - 23/1/2015 19:25 - United States - Katy

43472

7915

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

3332

1735

Today, at the store, I heard a kid complaining about getting braces. While I was saying 'thank you' and 'bye' to the cashier, his grandma must've seen my slightly crooked teeth. She pointed and said, "Without them, your teeth will look bad like that man's!" Everyone around looked at me. FML

By teef - 24/3/2009 08:19 - Canada

64538

4545

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

By failingdaily - 20/9/2014 02:27 - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

40796

3993

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

5483

1814

Today, a guy who lives in my condo complex threatened to take my husband and me to small claims court. Why? He was mad about the $300 fine to get his truck back after it was towed, because he was parked in our spot. FML

By notyourparkingspot - 25/5/2017 16:00 - Canada - Edmonton

4236

341

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

By punchedhelper - 20/6/2012 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

25104

4056

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

By mattttbob - 4/2/2012 10:16 - Australia

18441

35825

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

By minimazing - 7/10/2018 05:00

3417

306

Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

By fml - 7/3/2010 15:46 - United States

14582

24775

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

12266

33152

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

By asnolt - 24/5/2011 22:29 - United States

58515

9304

Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML

By anonymous - 19/8/2013 05:41 - United States - Lamar

51217

3036

Today, I got rear-ended at a stop sign on a seldom used road in my neighborhood. As I open my car door to trade insurance information with the guy, he backs up a little and speeds away, taking my car door with him. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 03:05 - United States

36482

2166

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 20:24 - United States - Chandler

49074

11913

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 14:50 - United States

54861

3914

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 07:26 - United States

34827

3499

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

By iamlauraheremecry - 27/1/2011 05:11 - United States

30863

8433

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

By dank meme - 11/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Chicago

5286

3832

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

23315

4150

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

37316

3056