Miscellaneous: Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric...

By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 345

You deserved it 66 143

Miscellaneous

Dysfunctional

Little shit

Don't engage with these people

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 304

You deserved it 24 947

Denied

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Austin

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 743

You deserved it 434

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 08:07 - Canada

Today, I went to Britney's concert. About halfway through the show, the person next to me turns to me and asks, "Can you do me a favour?" Thinking that she wanted me to look after her stuff, I said sure. Her next sentence was: "Can you stop singing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 045

You deserved it 44 129

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 882

You deserved it 6 750

By Anonymous - 09/01/2016 04:01 - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 344

You deserved it 1 995

By person - 10/06/2009 11:03 - United States

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 301

You deserved it 9 500

By moosemay - 02/04/2013 15:04 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 572

You deserved it 4 376

By ad4 - 31/01/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 111

You deserved it 4 102

By dreamteam - 08/02/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 341

You deserved it 12 366

By RIPLife - 24/03/2016 14:03 - Switzerland - Carouge

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 606

You deserved it 1 532

By Anonymous - 24/02/2015 15:10 - India - Tuticorin

Today, my fiancé and his family accused me of being with him only because he's rich, refusing to go ahead with the wedding. I accepted his marriage proposal 4 years ago, when he was penniless and unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 082

You deserved it 2 944

By BondingTime - 17/03/2014 09:51 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 973

You deserved it 4 106

By Someone - 22/02/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 222

You deserved it 9 274

Left hanging

By Anonymous - 28/09/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 253

You deserved it 224

By me - 18/06/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 716

You deserved it 3 821

Tourism

By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 58

Uncertainty

By pat - 21/05/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 621

You deserved it 3 614

By thammer - 24/03/2012 13:20 - United States - Appleton

Today, at my grandmother's funeral there was a fight about inheritance. It was my teenage daughters arguing about what they get when I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 811

You deserved it 3 028

By Anonycock - 06/01/2016 17:15 - Qatar - Doha

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 772

You deserved it 3 883

Late arrival

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 388

You deserved it 296

By bleue - 23/04/2015 12:27 - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let a loud fart rip. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 906

You deserved it 4 719

I'm not, but…

By Queerbait - 05/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 755

You deserved it 2 398

By CassidyQueen - 06/06/2015 02:14 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 149

You deserved it 5 537

By elsatheannoyed - 12/11/2014 04:34 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 047

You deserved it 4 518

What day is it?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I caught my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 335

You deserved it 1 248

Suspicious Minds

By PaulaP - 09/07/2021 07:59

Today, my husband wants to go on a trip to Tulum with his friend. I suggested I go as well, but he refused because it’s a "friends trip." He assures me that he "won’t sleep in the same bed with her or anything." I had to explain why it was still inappropriate. He still doesn’t get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 191

Memory low

By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 145

By saintmichi - 01/02/2010 00:21 - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 096

You deserved it 27 242

By Anonymous - 17/01/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 491

You deserved it 7 218

By screwwyou - 28/09/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 048

You deserved it 5 116

By frenchy - 06/02/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 109

You deserved it 55 314

By good job bf - 11/01/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 110

You deserved it 2 872

By fatty - 14/08/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 313

You deserved it 15 796

By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 176

You deserved it 4 051

By FLIPmcCOOL - 15/05/2014 22:57 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 047

You deserved it 60 244

Rain stops play

By Wilf - 22/02/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 790

You deserved it 2 748

By LivingInSin - 27/01/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 546

You deserved it 4 230

Hey!

By wtf dad - 10/01/2013 03:15 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 353

You deserved it 3 295

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 051

You deserved it 4 673

By Username - 05/10/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 822

You deserved it 12 600

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Top comments

Commander223 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:29

Tard....

kmiks411 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:29

Take then out of the mixer too

kmiks411 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:29

Take then out of the mixer too

iAmPaul 49

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:44

One or the other OP, or even better, do both, unplug AND remove them from the mixer. ;D

n_epic_fail 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:19

I bet your tongue got a workout, you'll be a kissing GOD.... What a G

jjoyce6 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:08

That's what you call a tongue twister

nadyy14 8

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:19

*facepalm* oh god help us...YDI

aceman1992 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 4:18

33- wtf really?

fatme2012 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 4:42

Idiot.

SirObvious 1

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 5:48

I hope you don't MIX that up again..

G0v3nat0r 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 6:51

I see what you did there...

a_cassie 4

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 7:06

OP, you're fucking stupid.

woosah 16

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:58

... Just today you learned that?... It doesn't go without saying I guess?

woosah 16

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Thursday 1 December 2011 1:50

Opps I meant OP just discovered that today. not #1. My bad ;)

JennyBear101 0

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Friday 2 December 2011 0:55

Does this person happen 2 b blonde? (not trying 2 b a hater, I'm blonde 2)

Commander223 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:29

Tard....

EatnBeef 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:42

I would've made that mistake if I didn't read this FML. I learned something today!

gregorrok1 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 5:24

I hope you still have a tongue...

Britter903 6

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 14:49

Lol your picture matches your reply perfectly

frokeyman92 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 14:57

Or just stupidity

TheFunnyzach 3

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:33

I'm stupid.

ImFrackinBored 13

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Thursday 1 December 2011 0:50

At least it wasn't a blender >_>

philipino 24

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:32

Why in the f*ck did you do that? I understand it would be delicious, but really?

Right_Click 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:03

It's okay. It's helping clean out the gene pool.

WaSiSimiLang 8

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:39

Mmmmhhhhhmmmmmm cookies with a side of tongue anyone?

xiaoxaio 5

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 5:53

no shit havent u learned from afv

Ecklcakes 15

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:27

Mmmmmmm so goo- oh fuuuu

datgamerchick 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:35

Dumbass. It's common sense.

Sarah_moustache 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:04

Im wondering what the dump happened to his tongue..

boofgall 16

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:43

What the.. dump?

VaanBasch 1

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:44

Why the dump are you questioning what she said?

FarSide 22

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:53

Silly OP. Everyone knows you can't beat common sense...

gabrielbaby 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:26

I see what you did there xD

Jdimp 1

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Friday 2 December 2011 5:13

what a tongue twister

holagranola 15

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:35

that's just common sense to unplug and take the beaters out.

Xx_Dakota_xX 1

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:25

Beaters giggity :o

nollid7 5

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:51

That's why people like OP shouldn't reproduce, what a dumbass!!!

konstantinos616 17

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 23:42

Common sense isn't as common as you think

JACKxRAWR 22

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Tuesday 9 July 2013 21:34

This is like saying "today I learnt to put the safety catch on a gun before putting the muzzle in my mouth and pulling the trigger".

TipOfTheHat 10

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:38

Proof positive that only stupid people breed! Try warming your bath with a plugged in toaster!

silver848 6

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 4:49

Good Idea! *ZAP* "OUCH!"

kwanza23 3

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 6:22

6: you need to search 'idiocracy trailer' on YouTube. :)

mnmolino 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:38

Yeah... Beaters typically can dish out a really good beating...

DanGleesak 11

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:46

Agh, you beat me to that pun.

Insane_Tea 15

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:40

You deserved it.

pedosmurf 7

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Thursday 1 March 2012 7:01

That's like shoving a steak knife in your mouth to lick the juice dumbo

Max1468 4

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:43

Well, uh...I hope it work better for you the next time?

ohmandapants 16

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 5:02

That would be nice, except OP doesn't have a tongue anymore. There cannot be a next time.

YakuzaxGeneralz 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 10:37

I would have taken this comment way more seriously if there was no question mark at the end.

AsianCookie247 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 11:24

I see you've discovered Fat Booth Max, congratulations.

frokeyman92 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:00

That's not fat booth mate....

bitchy_bitch 0

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Thursday 1 December 2011 5:30

thats dirty!

tj4234 35

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 1:45

I'm sorry. But you really deserve this...

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 859

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 1 070

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