Animals: Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He...

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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Animals

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Time for the ER

Sounds lovely

By me - United States

Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles, when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wellsville

Today, I waited on a gentleman and his lady friend at my restaurant. They ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu, and I thought I'd get a nice tip. Instead, he tipped me a scrap of paper, containing a drawing of a cock jizzing on a caricature of my face, and the word "Thanks." FML

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By Foreveralone - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

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By cmolloy - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

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By lissysue1 - United States - Green Bay

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I realized he was opening his mouth wide a lot. At first, I thought he was trying to French-kiss me. He was actually yawning through the whole thing. FML

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By Lyingboyfriend - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he couldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he was at his cottage and couldn't make it. Later that day, when driving home from the graveyard I saw him walking down the street, with another girl. FML

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By shuahwan - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By nail714 - United States

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

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By sauce - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By squizzlebee - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By sucker - United States - Milton

Today, after months of believing my marriage has been better than ever, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with our neighbor. I can't afford to move, and I have to see the fake-titted homewrecker every day. FML

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By Nochnoii - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By Atletic - United States - Syracuse

Today, I have three cracked ribs. I have also, for the first time in my life, developed a case of the hiccups that simply will NOT go away. It's been hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By Avery - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland - Akranes

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By MrOh - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

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By Notfamous - United States - West Point

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

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By Anonymous

Early bird special

Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

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By fatti11

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By FitnessFirst - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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By buttpicker - United States

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

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By SadMom

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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By not twilight - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

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By loser doctor - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

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By Tomato

Today, I went with the kids I work with to a roller rink, where there are tons of black lights. Under the glow, I realized in horror that an old semen stain could be seen on my shorts. Praying no one saw, or realized what it was. FML

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By awwshit - Canada

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By Volunteer - United States - Elwood

Today, I got fired from my volunteer job. FML

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By I Like My Cat - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML

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By inappropes

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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Top comments

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

COMMENTS

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

Jreslier | 15

#6064060 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:53

Do you have a soft rug? I do.

elibel | 16

#6064148 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:42

Why were you in your mom's bedroom while she was sleeping

hammer065 | 8

#6064166 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:02

Probably to hump her blankets while looking at her.

enddmd | 27

#6064379 - Sunday 14 September 2014 0:16

Oh good, #1. I thought I was the only one.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6310196 - Thursday 4 June 2015 7:51

WHAT?!?! Why?!?!?!?!

By sam193 | 14

#6063948 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

sounds hot

Onyxdragon | 9

#6064170 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:10

yeah, op was in her room to do the same

octopussperm125 | 18

#6064754 - Sunday 14 September 2014 14:55

Then the cat had to learn it somewhere

By omgcyndaquil | 23

#6063950 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:13

If only Freud had written about animal behavior...

notsoaverageteen | 5

#6064156 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:48

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6064231 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:32

#45 most creative comment ever

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#6063955 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:14

Looks like the cat is in the b[ed].

lambda_fml | 40

#6064038 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:30

^ comment s[ucks].

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064235 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:39

to add-

Looks like the comment is in the s[ucks].

By PengiPou | 12

#6063956 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Faith in catmanity restored

Ltsdragons | 19

#6064118 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:09

More like lost...

tournamentdecide | 33

#6064143 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:37

More like there never was one...?

By KapralCat | 8

#6063957 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Cats are cute,right?

cypherwars | 15

#6063997 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:47

dry humping ones are not

By katieemerr | 15

#6063958 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

What a catastrophe

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#6063966 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:20

Stop. Stop it right meow.

wolfgold2 | 20

#6063983 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:35

You have got to be kitten me.

martin8337 | 35

#6064024 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

Now the cat's out of the bag.

AoC15 | 10

#6064076 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:08

Insert cat pun here

Enslaved | 36

#6064098 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:35

"Dream of Cat-ifornication"?

~RHCP

AllStache | 11

#6064163 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:01

I love the Red Hot Catpeppers.

katachristic | 19

#6064169 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:07

Almost, Red Hot Kitty Peppers sounds better.

WeakYoungTeen | 21

#6064233 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:35

I'm pawsitive that these cat puns will make me hissterical.

jenjen2633 | 17

#6064252 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:02

Get meowta here

candyolympics | 17

#6064279 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:29

You have cat to be kitten me right meow.

AllStache | 11

#6064666 - Sunday 14 September 2014 9:00

#49 I was thinking of that but it would be RHKP then.

By catmint | 13

#6063959 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

My sister's cat used to make out with my mum's bathrobe. It got uncomfortable to watch after the first 15 minutes.

bitchimabunnyz33 | 13

#6064022 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

I'm more concerned that you watched for over 15 minutes...

catmint | 13

#6064052 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:41

We watched until it stopped being hilarious and slightly mis-timed it :c

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064175 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:12

I had a cat that sucked on ears...

TrackGirl19 | 29

#6064230 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:29

my cat does that too :P she give a hickeys

By kinky44 | 28

#6063961 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

Must resist "pussy" pun. . . RESIST!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

JuggaloSimms1441 | 16

#6064003 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:49

Agreed! Creepy shit! Ydi!

sjbartholome | 14

#6064034 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:26

thinking the same thing

DomiLove | 26

#6064081 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:09

Maybe they weren't watching their mom but was about to wake her up or ask her something.

OhWhoCares | 42

#6064123 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:14

Or the cat was gone for 45 minutes and OP was looking around for it and found it in the mom's bedroom hahah