Animals: Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He...

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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Animals

It's called being a wage slave

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Thanks for the help

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By black and yellow - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

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By Me

Today, I went horseback riding with this guy I like. I asked him to help me get on the horse. I slipped, and while trying to keep my balance, I kicked him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the new management position I'm supposed to start in two days was delayed for a month and a half. I already quit my current job and called my boss gay. FML

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By itsme

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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By numbcrumb

Today, I discovered I have a condition that causes loss of feeling in my clitoris during sex. FML

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5776

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By coius

Rock, hard place

Today, after years of high blood pressure and 3 meds for it, a doctor informed me my blood pressure is going too low, and I'm passing out. I've been told to stop the meds. This followed an increase in my meds because it's killing my kidneys. So my choices are kidney failure, or passing out. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

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By sexxibxmami - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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26989

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

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56182

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By really - Canada - Calgary

Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML

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39655

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By IceMage - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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44287

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By RdL - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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69446

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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49238

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By stood-up - United States

Where are you? Oh, there you are

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 11:02

Too Much Information

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By spaghett - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By disapointed girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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By - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss, when I let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

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By Anonymous

What a tool

Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By kids next door - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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By yupthissucks - United States - Newnan

Today, I ran into the woman who hit my car and drove off three days ago. She was my bank teller. I called 911; she pressed the silent alarm. Guess whose story the cops believed. FML

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By NotSoFunnyNow

Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML

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1094

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By crop circle galore - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

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By :^( - Bahrain - Isa Town

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 00:30

Man of mystery

Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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Top comments

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

COMMENTS

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

Jreslier | 15

#6064060 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:53

Do you have a soft rug? I do.

elibel | 16

#6064148 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:42

Why were you in your mom's bedroom while she was sleeping

hammer065 | 8

#6064166 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:02

Probably to hump her blankets while looking at her.

enddmd | 27

#6064379 - Sunday 14 September 2014 0:16

Oh good, #1. I thought I was the only one.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6310196 - Thursday 4 June 2015 7:51

WHAT?!?! Why?!?!?!?!

By sam193 | 14

#6063948 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

sounds hot

Onyxdragon | 9

#6064170 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:10

yeah, op was in her room to do the same

octopussperm125 | 18

#6064754 - Sunday 14 September 2014 14:55

Then the cat had to learn it somewhere

By omgcyndaquil | 23

#6063950 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:13

If only Freud had written about animal behavior...

notsoaverageteen | 5

#6064156 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:48

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6064231 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:32

#45 most creative comment ever

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#6063955 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:14

Looks like the cat is in the b[ed].

lambda_fml | 40

#6064038 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:30

^ comment s[ucks].

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064235 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:39

to add-

Looks like the comment is in the s[ucks].

By PengiPou | 12

#6063956 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Faith in catmanity restored

Ltsdragons | 19

#6064118 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:09

More like lost...

tournamentdecide | 33

#6064143 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:37

More like there never was one...?

By KapralCat | 8

#6063957 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Cats are cute,right?

cypherwars | 15

#6063997 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:47

dry humping ones are not

By katieemerr | 15

#6063958 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

What a catastrophe

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#6063966 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:20

Stop. Stop it right meow.

wolfgold2 | 20

#6063983 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:35

You have got to be kitten me.

martin8337 | 35

#6064024 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

Now the cat's out of the bag.

AoC15 | 10

#6064076 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:08

Insert cat pun here

Enslaved | 36

#6064098 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:35

"Dream of Cat-ifornication"?

~RHCP

AllStache | 11

#6064163 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:01

I love the Red Hot Catpeppers.

katachristic | 19

#6064169 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:07

Almost, Red Hot Kitty Peppers sounds better.

WeakYoungTeen | 21

#6064233 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:35

I'm pawsitive that these cat puns will make me hissterical.

jenjen2633 | 17

#6064252 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:02

Get meowta here

candyolympics | 17

#6064279 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:29

You have cat to be kitten me right meow.

AllStache | 11

#6064666 - Sunday 14 September 2014 9:00

#49 I was thinking of that but it would be RHKP then.

By catmint | 13

#6063959 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

My sister's cat used to make out with my mum's bathrobe. It got uncomfortable to watch after the first 15 minutes.

bitchimabunnyz33 | 13

#6064022 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

I'm more concerned that you watched for over 15 minutes...

catmint | 13

#6064052 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:41

We watched until it stopped being hilarious and slightly mis-timed it :c

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064175 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:12

I had a cat that sucked on ears...

TrackGirl19 | 29

#6064230 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:29

my cat does that too :P she give a hickeys

By kinky44 | 28

#6063961 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

Must resist "pussy" pun. . . RESIST!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

JuggaloSimms1441 | 16

#6064003 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:49

Agreed! Creepy shit! Ydi!

sjbartholome | 14

#6064034 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:26

thinking the same thing

DomiLove | 26

#6064081 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:09

Maybe they weren't watching their mom but was about to wake her up or ask her something.

OhWhoCares | 42

#6064123 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:14

Or the cat was gone for 45 minutes and OP was looking around for it and found it in the mom's bedroom hahah