Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He...

By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 06:56 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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Animals

DINOSAURS!!

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Rich people problems

By Noname - 12/3/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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By anon - 16/1/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 12:54 - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - 2/8/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By foojew93 - 9/8/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 20:01

Childlike

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

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By hugs511 - 25/7/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 10:29 - United States

Today, the alarm clock downstairs has been going off since 3am. The apartment belongs to two other students. They've gone home. Only 3 more days left to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By mothapuka - 26/12/2009 09:10 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By I pick em' good - 3/5/2015 17:49 - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By perfectmoment - 10/10/2009 22:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By Whoopsie - 22/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

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By gunman - 20/10/2009 04:57 - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 19:34 - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, I was told that I don't meet the minimum requirements for a job I applied for. I currently hold the same job, at the same facility, but just wanted a day shift. Apparently I'm not qualified for the job I've had for 2 and a half years. FML

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By Jigll - 13/10/2008 08:26

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

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By beya - 31/8/2009 22:05 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 02:00

Team breaking

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

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By HagFag - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By longdrive - 25/7/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By phoenix101 - 16/5/2011 05:40

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 05:37 - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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By heartbroken - 23/1/2013 13:57 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By DDboy - 13/10/2019 22:00

Going pro

Today, I got yelled at by one of the managers at my store for tucking in my shirt in the crew room. She called it unprofessional and offensive. It was my first day. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 14:06 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - 6/4/2015 11:44 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By sadface - 4/1/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By Loser - 4/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By FML - 12/8/2010 16:19 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By craigtm029429 - 2/3/2012 00:47 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2013 15:29 - United States - Richmond

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By utensils123 - 9/2/2010 06:40 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

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By Shutup! - 31/10/2014 10:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

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By where do they come from - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 10:06 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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Top comments

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

COMMENTS

By NotBlargo | 18

#6063946 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

I do the same.

Jreslier | 15

#6064060 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:53

Do you have a soft rug? I do.

elibel | 16

#6064148 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:42

Why were you in your mom's bedroom while she was sleeping

hammer065 | 8

#6064166 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:02

Probably to hump her blankets while looking at her.

enddmd | 27

#6064379 - Sunday 14 September 2014 0:16

Oh good, #1. I thought I was the only one.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6310196 - Thursday 4 June 2015 7:51

WHAT?!?! Why?!?!?!?!

By sam193 | 14

#6063948 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:12

sounds hot

Onyxdragon | 9

#6064170 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:10

yeah, op was in her room to do the same

octopussperm125 | 18

#6064754 - Sunday 14 September 2014 14:55

Then the cat had to learn it somewhere

By omgcyndaquil | 23

#6063950 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:13

If only Freud had written about animal behavior...

notsoaverageteen | 5

#6064156 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:48

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6064231 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:32

#45 most creative comment ever

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#6063955 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:14

Looks like the cat is in the b[ed].

lambda_fml | 40

#6064038 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:30

^ comment s[ucks].

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064235 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:39

to add-

Looks like the comment is in the s[ucks].

By PengiPou | 12

#6063956 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Faith in catmanity restored

Ltsdragons | 19

#6064118 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:09

More like lost...

tournamentdecide | 33

#6064143 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:37

More like there never was one...?

By KapralCat | 8

#6063957 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

Cats are cute,right?

cypherwars | 15

#6063997 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:47

dry humping ones are not

By katieemerr | 15

#6063958 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

What a catastrophe

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#6063966 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:20

Stop. Stop it right meow.

wolfgold2 | 20

#6063983 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:35

You have got to be kitten me.

martin8337 | 35

#6064024 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

Now the cat's out of the bag.

AoC15 | 10

#6064076 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:08

Insert cat pun here

Enslaved | 36

#6064098 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:35

"Dream of Cat-ifornication"?

~RHCP

AllStache | 11

#6064163 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:01

I love the Red Hot Catpeppers.

katachristic | 19

#6064169 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:07

Almost, Red Hot Kitty Peppers sounds better.

WeakYoungTeen | 21

#6064233 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:35

I'm pawsitive that these cat puns will make me hissterical.

jenjen2633 | 17

#6064252 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:02

Get meowta here

candyolympics | 17

#6064279 - Saturday 13 September 2014 22:29

You have cat to be kitten me right meow.

AllStache | 11

#6064666 - Sunday 14 September 2014 9:00

#49 I was thinking of that but it would be RHKP then.

By catmint | 13

#6063959 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:15

My sister's cat used to make out with my mum's bathrobe. It got uncomfortable to watch after the first 15 minutes.

bitchimabunnyz33 | 13

#6064022 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:08

I'm more concerned that you watched for over 15 minutes...

catmint | 13

#6064052 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:41

We watched until it stopped being hilarious and slightly mis-timed it :c

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6064175 - Saturday 13 September 2014 20:12

I had a cat that sucked on ears...

TrackGirl19 | 29

#6064230 - Saturday 13 September 2014 21:29

my cat does that too :P she give a hickeys

By kinky44 | 28

#6063961 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

Must resist "pussy" pun. . . RESIST!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6063962 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:16

why were you watching your mother while she was sleeping??

JuggaloSimms1441 | 16

#6064003 - Saturday 13 September 2014 16:49

Agreed! Creepy shit! Ydi!

sjbartholome | 14

#6064034 - Saturday 13 September 2014 17:26

thinking the same thing

DomiLove | 26

#6064081 - Saturday 13 September 2014 18:09

Maybe they weren't watching their mom but was about to wake her up or ask her something.

OhWhoCares | 42

#6064123 - Saturday 13 September 2014 19:14

Or the cat was gone for 45 minutes and OP was looking around for it and found it in the mom's bedroom hahah