Intimacy: Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three... - FML

By Anonymous - 03/07/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 645

You deserved it 3 612

Dysfunctional

CIA-level batshittery

Noise annoys

By Rizma - 27/11/2014 15:12 - France - Gr?ces

Today, I went off for a jog. Outside, I saw my really cute neighbour, so in an effort to appear sporty, I accelerated and kept my head up. As I got close, I smiled at him, just when a huge fly flew right up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 924

You deserved it 4 547

Losing my bearings

By Anonymous - 12/09/2021 08:00 - United States - Folsom

Today, I walked into a wall. I've lived in this house for nearly thirteen years, but I walked straight into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 225

Classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 102

By nothisfault - 05/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 863

You deserved it 29 302

By Olorin - 12/08/2010 23:21 - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 356

You deserved it 2 718

By JJMan217 - 03/04/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 357

You deserved it 58 815

By mortenp - 22/09/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 122

You deserved it 44 821

By baldspot - 02/04/2012 05:38 - Australia

Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 915

You deserved it 2 852

By oralMistake - 26/10/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 787

You deserved it 6 440

By a fatty - 15/02/2011 06:25

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 678

You deserved it 36 354

By CoalRose - 11/09/2016 20:33 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 251

You deserved it 5 216

By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 525

You deserved it 473

By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 05:00

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 599

You deserved it 5 065

By -.- - 13/04/2014 22:16 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 205

You deserved it 5 192

By Gaz47 - 27/07/2018 19:00

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 224

You deserved it 312

On the beat

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 134

You deserved it 503

By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 142

You deserved it 4 657

By FML - 05/10/2014 23:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 694

You deserved it 3 153

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:02

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 279

You deserved it 69

Mindfullness

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be alright, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 268

You deserved it 6 006

By ScienceFail - 25/07/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 989

You deserved it 15 904

Issues

By Badkitty14 - 09/08/2012 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Spicy

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 554

You deserved it 3 705

By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Poquoson

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 327

You deserved it 4 219

No-life

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 20:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 231

Logic 101

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 17:01 - Canada

Today, my 17-year-old daughter didn't do the laundry. Her excuse? "If it was meant to be done, it would have done itself." This is the same daughter who yesterday tried convincing me she was responsible enough to get a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 230

By SBae - 14/03/2016 15:49 - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 961

You deserved it 9 190

By bumblebee - 14/09/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 963

You deserved it 3 700

By Wronged - 21/09/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 450

You deserved it 3 558

By anon - 05/09/2016 08:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 782

You deserved it 11 492

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 16:27 - Serbia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 5 423

By cathugger - 16/08/2019 16:00

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 477

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 11:47

Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 108

By Anonymous - 03/10/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 949

You deserved it 33 454

By Anonymous - 23/05/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 716

You deserved it 4 349

Tinder surprised

By NatchezParadox - 09/10/2019 18:00

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 878

You deserved it 602

By whatnot - 04/08/2011 04:04 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 479

You deserved it 3 237

By Morgannaken - 31/10/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 568

You deserved it 4 006

Caught in 4K

By Shiet - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 965

You deserved it 22 557

By w00tz - 27/03/2009 05:12 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99 637

You deserved it 9 284

What are you doing here?

By sadmom - 18/03/2020 05:05

Today, I found out the man I have been dating is my son’s principal. I found out by having to pick my suspended son up from school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 378

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Top comments

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:29

What a cockblock.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 10:07

Time to ask her why. Did she have a good sex drive before you guys had children? Do you still romance her? When was the last time you guys went on a date? Think about why she doesn't want to make love. Is she too exhausted? Do you help around the place?

Comments

lovelyheadache 16

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:29

Aww man :

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 10:34

When people leave useless comments that have no worth to the OP or anyone.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 11:11

25, When people don't finish their sentences.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 13:11

wtf your face is fuck ugly

TriflingAllDay 6

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 15:39

Why did you have to ruin it.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 17:23

When water splashes on my ass while taking a shit.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 21:20

72 get a bidet. Those are very satisfying.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:31

you suck

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:46

With a kid in the room no one is sucking anything

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:50

Was there any point in that comment?

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 10:46

No No No you suck!

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:29

What a cockblock.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:31

I would say that it would suck balls, but you're three year old prevents it.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 10:19

Your child is young, so I'm assuming you are relatively young too, OP, and if your relationship is this frayed so early on, imagine the later years! Maybe you were just being too maudlin...

unknown_user5566 26

Wednesday 4 July 2012 11:18

Cockblock indeed. Tell him to climb back into his race car bed, and all will be fine.

mylifesucks_fml 1

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 15:23

sounds like you and your wife might need to have a little talk...

LO388 7

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 16:16

Aww another sexless marriage. Oops, sorry for being redundant...

doctorhook86 24

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 17:26

Fuck your wife, OP; she obviously sucks. Oh wait, that's the problem...

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:29

Toddler blocked?

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:40

Haha, although she's doing most of the blocking...not sure the kid's at fault

laden_swallow09 34

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 22:36

Nah. In this case, the kid is merely a tool, a means to his wife's ends. His wife's frigid, distant ends.

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Thursday 5 July 2012 0:05

Tiny-cock block.

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Thursday 4 February 2016 15:53

Todblocked

theamazingone_12 7

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:29

thats no bueno senor, hope you can figure out a solution to your predicament

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 10:35

And no fucks were given.

22cute 17

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 12:14

One solution is to start your romantic advances OUTSIDE the bedroom. Romance her throughout the day & she'll be interested by bedtime. Another is to get more creative with quickies and venues. Little kids make sex difficult in the best of relationships.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 23:35

Ray Barone tried that with Debra but for the opposite. So she could let him breath in bed.

linkinpark98 23

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:32

Kid-Zoned.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 15:49

It seems like her nether regions come with a child lock.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:30

Maybe you should talk to her about it

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:35

Your wife sounds delightful.

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:33

I'd say that it sucks balls, but your three year old prevents that.

shawnaishere 14

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 9:32

That's sad, makes me how you found out though

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 11

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 168

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 94