Work: Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get... - FML

By hatemyjob - 23/06/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 674

You deserved it 4 029

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

By Girl With a Cold - 08/02/2012 18:46

Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 743

You deserved it 2 673

By motherlover - 05/08/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 195

You deserved it 4 338

Yeah, Mike

By considering murder - 25/03/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches to a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said, "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 912

You deserved it 1 771

By Anonymous - 31/07/2016 16:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 066

You deserved it 2 267

By Jackey - 05/06/2019 12:00

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 991

By rusrs - 30/03/2012 02:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 346

You deserved it 2 214

10 out 10 for execution

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 557

By dragonstooth257 - 03/02/2019 12:00

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 743

You deserved it 572

By smh - 10/09/2015 06:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of 5 adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules: No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 631

You deserved it 2 257

By chrono64 - 20/12/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 3 329

By Anonymous - 16/08/2018 03:30

Today, I failed a final presentation. My partner, who did none of the research, presented the entire project, talking over me and glaring when I spoke up. He denied everything and the professor didn't believe me. Now I have to retake this class with the same professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 462

You deserved it 267

By Tiffer27 - 25/01/2016 18:02 - United States

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 394

You deserved it 2 429

By merse - 18/02/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 939

You deserved it 3 131

By Ngbaheir - 20/06/2015 02:36 - United Kingdom

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 359

You deserved it 5 041

By Anonymous - 17/06/2011 21:14 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 901

You deserved it 4 286

By caught out - 26/04/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 613

You deserved it 7 377

By Anonymous - 05/03/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 175

You deserved it 13 679

By jts - 20/02/2016 09:55 - United States - Asheville

Today, I had to console my bawling 6-year-old son and explain that his sister was lying when she told him that when boys in our family turn 13, they turn into girls. I'm not sure who disappoints me more right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 353

You deserved it 2 375

By UHLSucksSTL - 06/10/2016 15:50 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 232

You deserved it 743

By theregoesmyspermcount - 02/08/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 761

You deserved it 5 679

By Goldo - 22/06/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 4 280

By Anonymous - 11/02/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 799

You deserved it 3 814

By IvyBlackeyes - 29/08/2018 01:30

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 426

You deserved it 259

By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/09/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 494

You deserved it 1 691

By somethingblue - 16/09/2013 21:11 - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 073

You deserved it 3 383

By Joe - 16/04/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I was taking an exam and I knew I was unprepared, so I wrote some cheat notes on my ankle. As I cross my legs to look at my notes, I realize I wore tall boots to class. I can't even cheat properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 999

You deserved it 138 095

By jodulieu - 02/09/2010 02:31 - France

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 570

You deserved it 4 430

By LonelyOtter - 11/12/2018 14:00

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 325

You deserved it 238

By anon - 09/07/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 157

You deserved it 7 394

Hazing rituals have to stop

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 23:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I woke up again from another nightmare about my university's hazing fallout. Every time I see their faces in these dreams, I remember how they got away with everything, including trying to end us as they searched for the first year snitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 177

By AV - 30/01/2016 10:30 - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 042

You deserved it 5 972

By stevenr579 - 23/01/2013 23:33 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 863

You deserved it 7 546

By notgay - 12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 38 909

By NotYourLady - 04/09/2009 06:23 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting a boy who was 11 years old. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think he is a really great kid but I'm 17 so it would never work out. He said okay. When his parents came home he told them that I hit him and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 848

You deserved it 3 655

By FML - 12/08/2010 16:19 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 098

You deserved it 36 212

By Anonymous - 11/05/2012 19:30 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 708

You deserved it 4 214

By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 05:06 - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 525

You deserved it 13 371

By Kenny - 24/01/2014 07:16 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 39 388

You deserved it 8 308

By athletiks - 26/03/2014 22:39 - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 972

You deserved it 40 564

By shonfyr - 11/03/2014 21:35 - Spain

Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 968

You deserved it 10 048

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:07

You may want to start running.

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:48

Have you not been watching Burn Notice? you'll need a cheap cellphone, Christmas tinsel and some homemade plastic explosives to bypass the alarm system

Comments

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:07

You may want to start running.

HugoBosss_fml 0

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:14

B&E! Bacon and eggs? No but that shits delicious!

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:14

Haha why you wouldn't get in trouble..

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:23

then I understand ypur choice of username, op ^_^

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:25

*your, sorry

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:47

quick! take everything you can and run for it. if anyone asks, you saw the "theif" and entered the building - that's the reason for the alarms.

flockz 19

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:24

why run? he could be like those muggers and just walk away.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:28

waiting for an important business call from inside the building so they could mug that too huh?

iSitt 0

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Friday 24 June 2011 2:10

she's probably on video

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Friday 24 June 2011 4:28

Wait...what?

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Friday 24 June 2011 5:40

Sounds like you had and interesting day...

Thabb 0

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:08

Wad it raining?

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:11

no it was snowing

ZombieeeeUnicorn 1

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:12

actually it was raining cookies and pickles.

smurfsarwales 9

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:17

do you guys know nothing? it wad obviously raining midget otters and orange cats. there wasn't any clouds, but there was a double rainbow.

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:27

lol 3 reference to the simpsons?xD

volley4eva1698 0

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:40

it's raining men

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Friday 24 June 2011 18:21

It was raining berries and cream.

kut19 6

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:12

maybe, if you're lucky, the police will give you a strip search.

smurfsarwales 9

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:13

do you guys know nothing? it wad obviously raining midget otters and orange cats. there wasn't any clouds, but there was a double rainbow.

kut19 6

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:15

I think you want the comment above mine.

kut19 6

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:52

wow. that one guy's comment got deleted. I wasn't talking to myself, I swear.

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Friday 24 June 2011 5:20

or you can pay him money for him to see you naked... ;)

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:12

If you managed to set off the alarms even with a key, you may have bigger problems than you realize.

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Friday 24 June 2011 4:17

the alarm usually goes of when the door is opened even with a key. well it don't really go off. it like beeps for about a minute and then the sirens go off if u don't put the code

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:14

This was a prank set up by your superiors.

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:14

Could've called a co-worker.

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:18

smooth move try some random numbers like 420

hisgirlherboy 5

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Saturday 25 June 2011 5:16

smooth move ex-lax

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:24

lmao that'll teach you from showing up to work early and trying to be productive!

OCDC 9

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:34

I don't think the boss is the main problem. Now maybe if only two cops come to investigate, OP can have the problem solved before her coworkers show up...

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:40

How does the alarm go off if you have a key...?

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:50

But if you unlock the door with a key the alarm shouldnt go off.... pretty simple logic.

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:55

you open the door, go to a keypad, enter a code, and the alarm is turned off. no code = alarm going off. I did this in crayon for you by the way.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:02

I only understand in colored pencil, crayons confuse me too much. I did that in sarcasm for you by the way.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:07

crayon was referring to your simple logic. trying to simplify things for you.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:08

At my work they were seperate but we also set the door pad up so that if you entered your code backwards (under duress) it automatically called the police.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:10

Well all i needed was a simple, Theyre on 2 separate systems.

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:17

Derrrp....

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Friday 24 June 2011 1:46

Alarms can go off even if you have a key, my nan's house has an alarm that you have to type in the code for it even if you have opened the door with the key. No code, alarm will keep going. o-o

nickbucci1252 0

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Saturday 25 June 2011 0:21

are u really that stupid come on of course if you unlock the door u don't turn off the alarm COME ON MAN

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 47

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341

You deserved it 38