Work: Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

29/05/2012 17:52

Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts to increase my company's monthly revenue, my dumbass of a boss has been awarded a pay bonus. He's wasted no time telling everyone about the sports car he's planning to buy with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 205

You deserved it 1 928

Taking stock

Broken heart

Doggy dog world

10/04/2011 10:59

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 464

You deserved it 11 280

06/12/2011 02:16

Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 743

You deserved it 5 684

29/01/2009 02:31

Spicy

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 560

You deserved it 3 926

28/05/2019 06:00

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 914

You deserved it 264

Thanks Karen

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 15:30

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 589

You deserved it 4 337

Get a load of this nerd!

By Igballoon2 - 23/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 253

11/02/2009 11:59

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 790

You deserved it 31 770

21/10/2011 11:37

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 032

You deserved it 13 765

26/10/2011 05:43

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 392

You deserved it 5 489

Fortunate son

By Elizabeth Ann - 24/08/2021 20:01

Today, I found out that this fall, I'll be living in a dorm with a communal bathroom, paying most of my way. My brother, a grade below me, will be living in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment, all expenses paid by my parents. Why? "It costs money to get rid of people” and “You can do school from home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 75

16/07/2009 07:08

Today, my friend gave me a fortune cookie that said, "Don't be saddened by an upcoming event". Three hours later my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too superstitious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 036

You deserved it 6 436

23/11/2011 06:02

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 055

You deserved it 2 896

03/10/2011 04:15

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 925

You deserved it 3 427

06/10/2012 15:52

Today, I was walking in the freezing rain when a guy asked me if I wanted to share his umbrella with him. I grinned and told him I did. He then noticed a pretty girl walking behind me and he abruptly turned to her and asked her the same question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 865

You deserved it 2 289

25/04/2009 23:36

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 983

You deserved it 8 077

20/12/2009 03:30

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 136

You deserved it 28 349

28/04/2009 21:49

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 939

You deserved it 57 393

23/01/2015 18:09

Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 544

You deserved it 3 205

Well Played

By redhead - 06/07/2017 22:30

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 337

You deserved it 415

Accidentally?

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 14:00

Today, my brother sprayed the entire kitchen, including all the dishes, with industrial strength spray adhesive, thinking it was disinfectant. I'm the one who got to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 55

19/07/2009 03:12

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 522

You deserved it 3 961

Advent calendar time!

By firemansam - This fml is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 521

You deserved it 29 678

29/03/2011 06:50

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 376

You deserved it 52 138

Size isn't everything!

By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311

You deserved it 7 761

01/01/2012 17:19

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 838

You deserved it 33 027

25/08/2011 02:07

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 124

You deserved it 27 230

21/02/2012 12:44

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 645

You deserved it 2 912

12/03/2011 21:11

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 512

You deserved it 6 131

20/02/2019 16:00

Today was my moms wedding and I was the maid of honor! I was so excited to walk down the isle with my mom, but the church was so dry I got a bloody nose 5 minutes before going down. I couldn’t go down the isle or watch my mom go down either. I had to stay in the back and hold my nose up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 187

You deserved it 175

05/02/2013 01:00

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 457

You deserved it 7 464

05/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 194

You deserved it 292

01/08/2014 23:10

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 996

You deserved it 12 761

Added flavor

By Boyufd - 27/10/2020 11:01

Today, I walked out the bathroom and saw my girlfriend peeing in a mug. She said that's the mug she uses when she can't hold it anymore. That's the mug I put my coffee in every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 166

05/04/2009 04:25

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 607

You deserved it 20 759

29/12/2015 04:59

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 802

You deserved it 1 280

30/03/2012 03:48

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 360

You deserved it 2 812

17/07/2019 12:07

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 2 787

07/06/2009 01:11

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 43 328

08/09/2013 13:07

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 655

You deserved it 3 519

16/12/2014 16:35

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 550

You deserved it 2 523

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:43

Pretend to be on his side, and advise him to get the girliest sports car you can find! Sit back and enjoy the result...

Angelrose2004 17

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:49

I love how bosses always get credit for an employee's hard work. But when it comes to bad work, it's the employees fault. Sorry, OP.

Comments

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:43

Pretend to be on his side, and advise him to get the girliest sports car you can find! Sit back and enjoy the result...

snowboarder531 5

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:50

Girliest sports car = Mazda Miata

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 1:16

"Sit back and enjoy the results"?? You say this like if the boss was really going to fall for it. I'm sure he is an asshole, not an idiot. Just sayin'. =)

EnterSandman_fml 20

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:28

Lexus SC convertible for sure. Miatas are pretty popular as track day cars, and the racing crowd loves them. They're also not very expensive. The Lexus on the other hand, he could blow a good sum of money on for very little actual sport factor.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:40

Definitely a Porsche Boxter.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:40

Retail on the Boxter is terrible due to their shitty engines. Shitty as in breaks a lot and costs a fortune to repair.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:41

Yea, the Lexus sounds like a good plan, I hate those things, gay as shit. Miatas are amazing cars, don't bash them.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:44

Boxster*

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:52

Toyota solora as well. It is a horrible, horrible thing.

DeadxManxWalking 27

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 11:53

Paint it pink too.

xattitudegurlx 13

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:43

Hmm i wonder if one plans to smash a new car.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 1:03

Well to be fair he is the manager and until OP is all op's work will go forgotten.

littlegreycells 6

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 2:55

2 - Your dog is sooo cute. I love labs :)

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 5:23

Irrelevant comment is irrelevant.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:46

Revenge OP piss in his air vents. Not to harmful just the smell will be inside the car for a long time.

tjv3 10

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 1:29

Better yet rub stinky cheese on the manifolds and throw parm cheese on the radiator

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 15:22

use a syringe to inject about 2eggs into the sealing tubes on the door and let the heat do the rest. or mix chlorine and rubbing alcohol in a plastic bottle Do NOT shake until you put it in his car.

ariannaa_fml 17

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:47

Now its time to make the company's monthly revenue go down!

snowboarder531 5

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:47

That's a pretty big damn bonus if he can buy a sports car with it.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 8:50

No shit Sherlock

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 13:48

Why a sports car? They have like no room. I am sorry about hating on them. I just like having room like a Suburban for example. Also, how would one go about having sexual intercourse in one?

Drigr 9

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:48

Muscle car > sports car

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:51

Muscle cars can be sports cars, and sports cars can be muscle cars.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 5:50

Muscle cars are only good at driving in straight lines, being shaped like bricks, and chugging gas.

Angelrose2004 17

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:49

I love how bosses always get credit for an employee's hard work. But when it comes to bad work, it's the employees fault. Sorry, OP.

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:28

That's how management does things. Positive work is the managers doing. Negative work is the employees doing.

bettyc4 26

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:50

Key it!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 2:10

Fuck that! Steal the keys and the car, and drive it off a cliff (not before jumping out)

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:51

Tell him insurance is overrated. Oh no! Some random thugs trashed his ride? Well isn't that unfortunate.

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 1:22

Real original.

Angelrose2004 17

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 3:10

Original or not, I still thought it was pretty funny.

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 4:04

Or totally impractical since insurance is mandatory or you can't drive your car...

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 7:02

In some states, I believe insurance is optional. I forget which ones though

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 8:51

36- Two things. 1) As far as I know, insurance is only mandatory right when you get your license (at least in Arizona). If that's the case, driving without insurance is doable, as long as you don't get caught (not saying that is the right thing to do). 2) It's a joke. Impracticality is the basis of most jokes. Frankie says "relax".

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 0:54

You do know that there are (at least) 2 uses for car keys.

thatoneguy79 10

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 6:24

Starting cars and unlocking cars?

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 6:28

Keying cars ;)