Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a... - FML

By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

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This Charming Man

Delusional

Nooooooo… !

By Nick - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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By snarly1 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cincinnati

Today, at work, my boss asked me why I wasn't adhering to proper dress code. I pointed out that skinny jeans are in the dress code, to which he replied, "Only if you're skinny." FML

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By Ashley - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By bruised_scrotum - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

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By youlovewaffles

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

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By kids next door - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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By musik_ist_liebe - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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By Unproud daddy moment - 19/3/2021 16:00 - United Kingdom

Pride and joy

Today, my wife refuses to admit our 13-year-old son has no chance in hell of getting into college. He never got more than an E or an F on his exams, routinely misspells his own name, can't remember our address and I just watched him spend 10 minutes looking for his lost hat which, by the way, was on his head. FML

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By Anon - 6/4/2021 07:00 - United Kingdom

Tense

Today, my doctor told me if my blood pressure gets any higher, he could use me to reinflate the air in his tyres. FML

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By eagerbeaver - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

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By kellthryn

Stop! Thief!

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

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By effyou - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

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By Tomaino

Today, my best friend got drunk and told me he's only friends with me because no one else will be friends with him. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't actually that drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 12:59 - Colombia - Bogot?

How Soon is Now?

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother goes, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" and my mom says "I'm a headmaster", and my dad goes, "Oh yeah she is." FML

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By GeneralElement - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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By ButItWasRareDad! - United States - Chicago

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Are you sure?

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

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By First World Problems - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2021 00:00 - Romania - Campina

Unfulfilled

Today, my alarm rang just as I was about to have a wet dream with my husband. This is the closest I got to having sex in weeks. FML

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By flattire - Canada

Today, two really hot guys pulled up in a car next to mine. They were waving at me and pointing down, I figured they were being pigs so I flipped them off. Turns out they were trying to warn me of the flat tire I had. FML

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By susiedoggles - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By A continent away - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By never thought I'd say that - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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By Welpthatwasfast

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

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By walnutbladder - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

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By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

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By mainche - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

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By fatandsad - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle. After a few minutes, the vibrations from the engine became way too much for me and I couldn't control myself. I had such an intense orgasm, sitting right behind my father, with my arms around his waist. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

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Top comments

By evilplatypus | 38

#7764864 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 19:02

I don’t know where you live, but where I do they aren’t “reserved” for anyone. It’s not like handicapped parking where ONLY the handicapped can use them. They’re provided IN CASE the handicapped need them, not JUST for the handicapped.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7764749 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 15:43

Karma's a bitch, huh? Those toilets are reserved for the handicapped (and informal gymnasts.)

Now that you've undergone the trauma of being barged in on mid-shit, you can get some doctor to diagnose you with PTSD which would entitle you to righty use the handicapped toilet. Winning!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7764749 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 15:43

Karma's a bitch, huh? Those toilets are reserved for the handicapped (and informal gymnasts.)

Now that you've undergone the trauma of being barged in on mid-shit, you can get some doctor to diagnose you with PTSD which would entitle you to righty use the handicapped toilet. Winning!

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7764772 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 16:13

That’s hardly karma. I’ve used the disabled toilet if it’s the only option.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7764774 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 16:20

But the OP said they did it for “extra privacy” and not because it was the only option.

I use it, too, but I realize I’m living on the edge. I’m a rebel.

Reply

Diegoba12 | 16

#7764823 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 18:07

They may be reserved for the handicap but if all the other ones are taken I’m sure using that one 😂

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#7764864 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 19:02

I don’t know where you live, but where I do they aren’t “reserved” for anyone. It’s not like handicapped parking where ONLY the handicapped can use them. They’re provided IN CASE the handicapped need them, not JUST for the handicapped.

By iceberg | 10

#7764796 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 16:59

Handicapped toilets are perfect for fucking. I can't believe you apologized.

Reply

Gubbon | 8

#7766565 - Saturday 9 February 2019 18:01

I think it's just badly written and it was the cleaners who apologized.

By mekiswrite | 21

#7764905 - Wednesday 6 February 2019 20:10

How did you get in if the door had been locked for days?

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7765031 - Thursday 7 February 2019 0:25

Obviously the problem had already been fixed. Or someone lied to make this happen!

By davidfong | 14

#7765067 - Thursday 7 February 2019 3:00

They’ve never seen a real life girl taking a shit and now they can cross that off there bucket list

By Gubbon | 8

#7766564 - Saturday 9 February 2019 18:00

Who apologized?

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7770192 - Sunday 17 February 2019 8:32

Only a pos would lock the door. Or a loser

By lj2000 | 5

#7770432 - Sunday 17 February 2019 16:55

You didn't even cough when they had a crew of people outside your stall. Dude. Learn how to shit in public