Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible...

By edible - 20/5/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

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Love

Body issues

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

The student becomes the master

By me - 16/12/2010 15:29

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By Bnewlove - 31/7/2013 04:50 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 19:36 - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By khannnn - 20/3/2016 18:25 - United States

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

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By Tee - 11/12/2009 09:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

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By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

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By kookoocatlady - 1/11/2016 04:31

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 02:00

Today, I learned there are people who will beat you up if you don't give them your spot on a bench. FML

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By anime_love - 17/9/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By Stuby14 - 23/11/2015 14:31 - United States - Brookings

Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

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By D.W. - 3/11/2017 00:30

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 08:23 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

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By Robert - 31/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By Airhead - 6/11/2009 19:48 - Canada

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I did a really good job playing someone who was really airheaded in my school's play. I wasn't trying to act like an airhead, the director told me that I got cast for the part because the character I was playing was "just like me". FML

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By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By indecentcameraexposure - 5/9/2009 21:14 - Canada

Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2017 11:53 - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

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By Laurita - 18/8/2017 04:30

Today, we started building our dream house. Next to my parents-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

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By Jusawkward - 1/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By yumx24 - 30/5/2009 13:45 - United States

Today, at the local swimming pool, my friend and I noticed two cute guys had just arrived. When they jumped in, we immediately took off our tank tops and got in the opposite end. They looked over at us, then looked at each other, got out of the pool and left. FML

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By aroman2312 - 6/9/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 21:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from my dad's house. He'd shaved her head bald. "For a laugh." FML

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By FlyingFist - 4/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By Dweeb - 2/10/2019 18:00

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

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By kelscait - 1/7/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - 10/11/2016 21:15 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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By hackshack - 8/6/2012 19:45 - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

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By Smash_Mouth - 8/3/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By wounded pride, intact cock - 17/1/2015 18:49 - United States

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

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By Quackers - 11/4/2012 15:39 - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

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By bymyself - 7/2/2011 02:05

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

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By FML - 21/12/2013 16:58 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my mum and I were referred to as "ladies". I'm happy for her, since she always complains about looking masculine. However, I would still like to be called a gentleman, seeing as how I am one. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2014 00:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

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Top comments

By Thassodar | 0

#215956 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

YDI for getting a company that has cuter delivery guys than you.

That's the only possible explanation for someone putting YDI.

FYL.

By gvschmidt94 | 0

#216012 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:24

Sound's like something my ex would do. But this OFFICIALLY allows you to check out other girls :D If she bitches, remind her of this.

Comments

By Button_x | 0

#215924 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:07

Wow, what a girlfriend. =

She sounds like she doesn't deserve a lovely edible arrangement from someone as sweet as you sound. :)

By fmltotally | 0

#215940 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

i agree with number 1

By Jboolia | 0

#215945 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

Wow, sounds like a keeper.... fyl for sure.

By aFMLaddict | 0

#215951 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

agree with 1..wtf is wrong with her?

ShyAnn29 | 14

#3138511 - Friday 19 August 2011 10:16

Either I don't see a #1 or I am blind lol

whyusofat | 17

#4053534 - Sunday 19 February 2012 0:31

Dont fight it just go with it. I also agree with #1

By Thassodar | 0

#215956 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

YDI for getting a company that has cuter delivery guys than you.

That's the only possible explanation for someone putting YDI.

FYL.

By iPhanny | 0

#215959 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:13

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#215967 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:14

DUMP THE BITCH AND DONT EVER WASTE MONEY ON HER AGAIN.......sorry for the caprs....just wanted to make my point heard

By YLS | 0

#215990 - Thursday 21 May 2009 2:20

She's not allowed to look at other guys and say "Oh, he's cute?"

I'm sure you look at other women all the time. Relax. Stop freaking out over her calling some guy cute.