Love: Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible... - FML

By edible - 20/05/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 470

You deserved it 4 069

The smell detective is on the case

Late term

Triage

By littl3storm - 12/05/2019 21:30

Spicy

Today, I found out that I work with a bunch of sex addicts. One of them is my cousin, and she did NOT hold back when telling me her and her fiancé's plans about swinging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 185

Make it yourself, champ

By Cookyourowndamnfoodasshole! - 27/01/2021 18:30 - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend complaining that I’m lazy since I never cook for him. I stopped cooking for him because he constantly complained that the food was never as good as what his ex-wife made, or like his mom made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 108

By wookieewhosshe - 26/06/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up on the floor with my feet still in the bed. I had passed out while vomiting into a bucket, since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bucket had spilled all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 585

By notmysistersbf - 20/04/2015 02:39 - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 607

You deserved it 3 929

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 07:13 - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 868

You deserved it 4 080

By Anonymous - 30/04/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 211

You deserved it 10 680

By cantunhear - 20/12/2014 03:16 - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 154

You deserved it 2 447

By WeezysBaby - 28/03/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 556

You deserved it 91 253

By Grossed out - 08/08/2018 15:00

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 164

You deserved it 199

By getmoneyab - 30/05/2009 06:42 - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 787

You deserved it 67 736

Long thought

By Anonymous - 05/01/2020 03:00

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 733

By anonymous - 28/05/2013 00:56 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 784

You deserved it 15 154

By *facefloor* - 24/07/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 973

You deserved it 5 383

By boytoy - 02/09/2009 21:23 - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 039

You deserved it 18 890

By unfortunate - 25/04/2012 04:50 - Sweden

Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 019

You deserved it 10 415

By Sam - 09/01/2018 19:00

Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 720

You deserved it 230

By SCARRED - 29/08/2014 20:15 - United States - Kansas City

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 648

You deserved it 7 544

By lolwut - 15/01/2012 18:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 491

You deserved it 13 778

By anonymous - 25/01/2016 14:09 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 001

You deserved it 2 025

By Xanadu - 16/04/2011 07:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 486

You deserved it 5 783

By XxFA1LxX - 22/07/2012 13:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 299

You deserved it 2 497

By lynn - 22/06/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 229

You deserved it 2 084

By what.....? - 31/08/2012 23:40 - United States

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 832

You deserved it 2 108

By Ouchhh - 25/05/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 841

You deserved it 4 534

By crazy_mom - 01/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 531

You deserved it 4 334

By she won't see a therapist - 23/04/2016 04:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 451

You deserved it 1 470

By hunchback of notre bite - 09/08/2013 22:23 - Korea, Republic of

Spicy

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 349

You deserved it 7 384

Spooky

By Anonymous - 25/04/2021 20:04

Today. my nana got a text from my dead grandad's phone number. His phone was stolen about 3 weeks before he died, but the shock of suddenly getting a text from him after the funeral gave her a heart attack. The doctor says with her other health issues, she might not make it through the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 33

By anonymous - 24/03/2016 03:02

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 571

You deserved it 1 456

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 450

You deserved it 4 305

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 08:46 - Malaysia

Today, I came to a realization that the closest people to me in my life, the ones who are warm and welcoming, who're happy to see me, who honestly wanna know how I've been and how I feel, whose smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, are the baristas at Starbucks, not my actual 'friends'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 494

You deserved it 5 828

Let's not get too committed

By Just a Bro - 13/06/2021 03:31 - India

Spicy

Today, it was the third time a guy high-fived me after sex. The other two guys gave me a fist bump. Is this a universal thing, or am I just one of the bros? FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 26/09/2014 20:00 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 930

You deserved it 3 006

By Nicoli - 10/11/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 824

You deserved it 3 966

By rachaaaaeul - 06/08/2010 07:07 - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend about yesterday, where he told me how much he loved me, and he wishes we lived closer. I asked him if he really meant it. Turns out he was drunk, and had no idea what he was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 992

You deserved it 4 005

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 02:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 603

You deserved it 5 801

By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 21:50 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 676

You deserved it 11 986

By thathottchickk - 13/12/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 253

You deserved it 3 682

By WTF - 12/09/2015 00:54 - Australia

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 2 851

By millie14225 - 25/07/2019 14:00

Today, I live in a household of 3 people, with only one vehicle. My transmission blew right after working 16 straight hours. I had to walk 6 miles home, not to mention figure out work tomorrow. Now my oldest, who does not live with me, is pissed because it is an "inconvenience" for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 147

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

YDI for getting a company that has cuter delivery guys than you. That's the only possible explanation for someone putting YDI. FYL.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:24

Sound's like something my ex would do. But this OFFICIALLY allows you to check out other girls :D If she bitches, remind her of this.

Comments

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:07

Wow, what a girlfriend. = She sounds like she doesn't deserve a lovely edible arrangement from someone as sweet as you sound. :)

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

i agree with number 1

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:10

Wow, sounds like a keeper.... fyl for sure.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

agree with 1..wtf is wrong with her?

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Friday 19 August 2011 10:16

Either I don't see a #1 or I am blind lol

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Sunday 19 February 2012 0:31

Dont fight it just go with it. I also agree with #1

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:12

YDI for getting a company that has cuter delivery guys than you. That's the only possible explanation for someone putting YDI. FYL.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:13

:|

omglyktotally78 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:14

DUMP THE BITCH AND DONT EVER WASTE MONEY ON HER AGAIN.......sorry for the caprs....just wanted to make my point heard

YLS 0

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:20

She's not allowed to look at other guys and say "Oh, he's cute?" I'm sure you look at other women all the time. Relax. Stop freaking out over her calling some guy cute.

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Friday 16 September 2011 9:44

Oh your one of 'those' girls

Vball6 19

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Monday 12 December 2011 4:35

Uh yeah, but she didn't have to talk about it.

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Thursday 21 March 2013 13:21

You are an imbecile...

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Sunday 29 June 2014 20:49

"Oh, you got me a gift. That's cool. Instead of thanking you I'm going to gush about the cute delivery guy!" I'd be pissed too.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:24

Sound's like something my ex would do. But this OFFICIALLY allows you to check out other girls :D If she bitches, remind her of this.

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Thursday 21 May 2009 2:28

#1 ftw. you sound sweet :]

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553

You deserved it 111

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 274

You deserved it 94