Intimacy: Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a...

By ImOverHere - 02/09/2012 16:56 - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 852

You deserved it 3 084

Intimacy

Another great day to be alive

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Unmatched

Fucknut

By pikapikafuckyou! - 19/07/2020 08:01

Today, my overly religious fucknut of a cousin called me, ranting about my daughter trying to corrupt hers. They were chatting on a kids' messenger app when my 5-year-old sent her 7-year-old a Pokémon sticker. Apparently, Pokémon in satanic and we ought to know better. Now she won’t let them talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 150

By MissIsabel - 03/11/2010 10:43 - France

Today, I went to Ikea with my family. I was wearing a yellow polo that vaguely looked like the ones the Ikea employees were wearing. Two dozen people came up to me, complaining that I was staring at furniture instead of helping customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 075

You deserved it 12 429

By RabbitOwner - 07/01/2011 20:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap. As he brushed it off, I reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop. Almost as if on cue, my rabbit peed on both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 009

You deserved it 21 685

By kb - 10/01/2015 14:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 664

You deserved it 22 245

By TCRII - 28/03/2018 01:30

Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 879

You deserved it 739

Bitten

By Anonymous - 02/09/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 485

By worried - 01/04/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 337

You deserved it 8 454

By Anonymous - 05/12/2012 11:27 - Israel

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 021

You deserved it 55 494

By tooth fairy - 20/08/2018 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 501

You deserved it 119

By Anonymous - 09/11/2012 20:53 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 147

You deserved it 1 666

By lalibear - 03/05/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 203

You deserved it 7 256

The Rainbow Bridge

By fishyrael - 30/10/2019 20:00

Today, at my job at a pet store, my boss told me to go outside and hand out flyers. I saw a man sitting on a bench and walked up, saying, "Hi! Do you have a pet?" He teared up and said, "I just put her down this morning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 156

You deserved it 160

By FianceFlaw? - 25/11/2018 14:00

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 820

You deserved it 258

By bathtime - 21/12/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 853

You deserved it 4 192

Compassion

By Anemity_is_my_name - 07/01/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 74

By smellyhair - 02/11/2014 11:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 039

You deserved it 3 828

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 05:51 - United States

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 650

You deserved it 2 353

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 129

You deserved it 3 277

By Anonymous - 18/06/2019 06:44

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 1 386

Put your foot down

By K.. - 28/02/2021 14:01 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 136

By Rizma - 27/11/2014 15:12 - France - Gr?ces

Today, I went off for a jog. Outside, I saw my really cute neighbour, so in an effort to appear sporty, I accelerated and kept my head up. As I got close, I smiled at him, just when a huge fly flew right up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 926

You deserved it 4 547

My Love Life in a Nutshell

By shadybarbie - 29/07/2017 13:00

Today, I was at a concert and I thought the cute drummer was winking at me, so I winked back. Then I realized he was blinking sweat out his eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 466

You deserved it 856

By firelava - 25/04/2014 22:59 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 339

You deserved it 9 769

By Ferniferousfern - 06/03/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend of several years outright refuses to come to my best friend's wedding, on the grounds he'll be "bored". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 419

By justno - 29/06/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 151

You deserved it 5 256

By lumi - 24/06/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 122

You deserved it 5 490

The old bait and switch

By Duped - 27/08/2021 14:01

Today, I bought a Playstation 5 on OfferUp. Upon taking the PS5 home, I opened the box and in its place were some dirty old shoes. The seller had also erased all her info from her OfferUp account and replies an obviously fake, "Automatic: The user is no longer available" message when I try to reach her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 997

By Anonymous - 11/05/2013 05:15 - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 231

You deserved it 7 411

By tittyboomboom - 24/03/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 879

You deserved it 2 033

By Fauxgeek - 28/06/2016 01:29

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 3 361

By Frazzled - 10/04/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 474

You deserved it 11 283

By Noname - 09/03/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 085

You deserved it 8 645

Check your head

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 20:00

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 846

By MrFerret - 06/05/2011 03:41

Today, it's my birthday, and my present is that my mom is coming over to see me so that she can borrow three hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 648

You deserved it 3 388

By iDontLikeMySiblingsThatMuch - 12/08/2018 20:30

Today, my husband of 10 years decided only after I told him I wanted a divorce that his niece is also his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 966

You deserved it 257

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 948

You deserved it 346

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 912

You deserved it 5 121

By Maleficia - 19/01/2017 08:25

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 822

You deserved it 1 460

By Lockout - 31/08/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 467

You deserved it 21 247

By "96Ellie" - 11/03/2017 14:00

Today, I finally got a product I ordered 2 weeks ago as a free trial/ only pay shipping deal. Also today, the same company took an extra $130 out of my account without authorisation. Best part: when I called to sort things out, they told me they had no record of my order details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 979

You deserved it 611

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:00

It takes approximately 0.285 seconds to realise that "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye is the best mood music ever. EVER.

shireman97 6

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Sunday 2 September 2012 22:58

That's some odd foreplay

shireman97 6

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Sunday 2 September 2012 22:58

That's some odd foreplay

zandalee 19

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Monday 3 September 2012 0:16

Should have had Barry White crooning in the back ground.

CheeseTron 15

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Monday 3 September 2012 0:39

The right song is a MUST. Don't rush him.

The_Weirdo 10

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Monday 3 September 2012 1:40

Living in the sunlight, Loving in the moonlight -Tiny Tim. Thank me later.

desireev 17

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Monday 3 September 2012 2:04

48- You mean completely over-rated songs that everybody plays? In my opinion, I'd play some soft rock... Or something like the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails... Or maybe even something fun like "Brass Monkey" or something! My point is that you DON'T need r&b baby-making music to get it on! Mix it up a little!

Futacy 29

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Monday 3 September 2012 3:43

Sir Mix-A-Lot

ebonyirony 29

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Monday 3 September 2012 7:59

I imagined a girl in sexy lingerie sitting on the bed on her computer, typing on FML while a guy is looking at an iPod fumbling through music. Sorry for the run-on, I wasn't sure how to end it and I'm drunk and tired. I still wanted to post though.

Kefka91 15

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Monday 3 September 2012 8:49

55 - Thank you! I've always wanted to do it to "closer" by NIN, but unfortunately, none of the select few that have been nice enough to sleep with me are as cool with it.

SyddTheeKydd 3

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Monday 3 September 2012 18:42

55- She can play what she wants to play that she feels will get her in the mood. You might have a different taste than her.

DictatorDom 5

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Sunday 2 September 2012 22:58

I've always wanted to have sex to Beethoven...

rhysfucker 24

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:52

9th symphony?

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 3 September 2012 0:24

how about the 1812 overture? I know its not bethoven, but the canons at the end...!!!

ebonyirony 29

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Monday 3 September 2012 8:00

3- oh my brother. Would you not enjoy the simple beauty of old Ludwig van?

Tdot36 5

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Tuesday 4 September 2012 10:58

How about the epic rap battles of history?

amisenho 11

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Wednesday 30 October 2013 22:18

Eh, I'm more of a Mozart/Debussy kind of person.

iCherryPanda 12

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Sunday 2 September 2012 22:59

Gotta be prepared!

DocBastard 38

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:00

It takes approximately 0.285 seconds to realise that "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye is the best mood music ever. EVER.

gc327072 30

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:20

Depends whether op was wanting slow and steady or fast and intense. If B, something rock n roll would be it.

TheDrifter 23

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:49

You must have a rather extensive music list in your head Doc. .285 seconds is a long shuffle of the internal playlist.

theslimshadylp 6

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Monday 3 September 2012 1:32

I know the words LETS GET IT ON are in the song. Should've been a no-brainer.

WhoSaidThatIsh 13

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Monday 3 September 2012 2:27

Many children have been conceived to that oh so sexy song...

Screwie 25

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Monday 3 September 2012 5:42

Doc, I wanna meet you. ;D ... But then I need appropriate rape music for the moment.

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Monday 3 September 2012 12:54

Rape music?!?

amisenho 11

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Wednesday 30 October 2013 22:20

Screwie, I seriously hope you were auto-corrected and meant "rap". ...Wait. Screwie, I seriously hope your phone didn't auto-correct "rap" to "rape".

mpsteve137 15

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:00

Haha yal can make your own music with a chorus of moans

mpsteve137 15

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Monday 3 September 2012 0:55

B'alls

desireev 17

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Monday 3 September 2012 2:07

38- Y'all.. Not ya'll..

LiterOfCola 16

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Monday 3 September 2012 7:44

Nobody gives a shit how someone spells "y'all." it's already slang in the first place 38, you son of a bitch

mhopper 13

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:00

Some Barry White can set the mood! Honestly though, you should have thought of this beforehand.

dog1999 2

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:01

Fuck the music the woman just initiated sex!!!

EnterSandman_fml 20

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:06

Another song that's a pretty great mood setter is Santana's instrumental entitled Europa.

thelastavailable 13

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:06

What's the sexy outfit?

allie2590 30

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Sunday 2 September 2012 23:08

I know you're referring to a previous FML, but I don't think too many people like peanuts in their butt crack.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 3

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 570

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 761

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