Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing... - FML

By Eli123 - 1/5/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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Family values

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Doubleyew1 - 2/8/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

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By no low five - 30/11/2011 11:17 - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By Mdrk783 - 2/9/2009 08:41 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

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By Justme - 5/6/2013 05:02 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

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By lebowski101 - 3/11/2011 01:45 - Canada

Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML

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By gkline09 - 6/8/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By anon - 26/7/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

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By wowohwow - 23/6/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2010 19:51 - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

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By Why Is It Always Me - 21/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

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By no love - 1/1/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By djkimmaz - 3/12/2011 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

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By hunterchik - 29/9/2018 15:30

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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By yeahno - 12/9/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

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By Caroline1812 - 24/4/2015 23:58 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks - 27/5/2018 20:30

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By jaybob18 - 17/6/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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By anonymous - 2/2/2010 17:32 - France

Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML

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By cricha4208 - 15/4/2014 14:01 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got a Facebook message from a cute guy I used to work with. He admitted to liking me and when I asked why we never hung out he admitted that my dad, his boss at the time, threatened every guy I have ever worked with. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

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By julie24 - 30/5/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By sierra808 - 31/5/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By marymark - 13/4/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

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By leonuniz - 19/4/2015 16:34 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By kanepie - 5/7/2019 04:03

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

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By newscomes - 14/10/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2011 08:36 - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By wtf - 31/7/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

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By OhNo - 2/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By STOPTHENOISE - 14/10/2013 13:10 - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

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By HedgehogFace - 29/11/2018 03:00

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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By assgoblins piss me off - 6/5/2014 20:52 - Canada - Camrose

Today, I turned in my best painting yet for a scholarship competition. For once in my life, I was actually proud of a piece I'd done. I ended up losing the scholarship to some dickface who'd basically just glued together some crap from the dollar store and called it conceptual art. FML

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By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By somefamily - 26/4/2012 07:11 - United States - Wayne

Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML

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By Lockie - 28/4/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year old male customer went into explicit detail about the Adult's Only programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming and tries out on his 70 year old wife. FML

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Top comments

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159502 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:04

Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a purple faced panting girl with sweat stains under her arms who keeps circling your house. Gets me hot like nothing else.

By halfpass | 0

#159487 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:00

Way to ASSume. Conceited much?

Comments

By halfpass | 0

#159487 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:00

Way to ASSume. Conceited much?

Reply

Karma495 | 0

#1778877 - Wednesday 1 December 2010 14:03

lmao

Reply

ahti546 | 11

#2687479 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 18:23

^^ win

Reply

doodlepupp | 6

#5282191 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 9:10

How is that being an ass? She obviously thought it was a compliment like any normal person would and was being nice in thanking him for it

By Shunnabunich | 0

#159491 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

Sounds more like his FML than yours for the Freudian slip.

By czm | 0

#159493 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

hahaha it happens. but he probably knew you'd think that and tried to make a joke.

By suckerz | 0

#159496 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

I would have called the cops if yome creepy freak keeps running infront of my house

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159502 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:04

Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a purple faced panting girl with sweat stains under her arms who keeps circling your house. Gets me hot like nothing else.

By 24788 | 6

#159507 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:06

HAHA

I would have assumed you were high on something.

By i_imagine | 0

#159516 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:09

LOL @ #5's comment. xDDDD

By ninjachik | 0

#159523 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:12

#2 what Freudian slip? He said exactly what he intended to say, she just misunderstood. So if anyone deserved an IAYLIF in this situation, which no one does, then it would be her.

By Hadeezz | 0

#159546 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:28

Well the guy shud of been nice and Act as if he ment that you Are HOT.

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6102175 - Monday 27 October 2014 21:28

The enormous amount of grammar mistakes in your comment made me cringe.

By audereyy | 0

#159556 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:35

hahaaa. well obviouslyyy.