Love: Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing... - FML

By Eli123 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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Age difference

But was he cute though?

Judge and jury

By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

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By -_- - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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By iloveyoutoomom - France

Today, my mom had an appointment with my teacher after class. She never showed. My teacher ended up driving me home. FML

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By SM - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

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By thirdwheel - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

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By HarrisonR - 2/3/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Cool

Today, while talking to a boy, he asked what my name was and in a state of panic, I said, "Daddy." FML

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By monkeywrench - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

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By nofriends - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

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By bodyelectric - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

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By AliKate

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By fml - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

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By Flooded - United States

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

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By Stuck - United States - Evans

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

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By KindStranger - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2021 12:02 - Romania - Iasi

Faint praise

Today, we had a group of friends over, as well as my grandma. She started talking about me when I was a kid, when I suddenly heard her saying, "Well, yeah, she wasn’t a beautiful child, not at all, she looked.… OK." FML

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By liz - United States

Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: "designed with your pregnancy in mind". It was a maternity top. FML

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By failed brood mare - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

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By squishy - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

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By jaa319 - United States

Today, a customer asked for my manager's number, my bosses number, corporate's number and filled out a complaint form, all because we kindly asked him not to sit his kid on the counter due to safety concerns. FML

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By mandy - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

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By DennisQuaide69

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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By ClothMom - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennebunk

Memory man

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

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By Madison Gliosci

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By cap - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By WittyMoron - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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By Joe Lizen - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By Anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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Top comments

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159502 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:04

Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a purple faced panting girl with sweat stains under her arms who keeps circling your house. Gets me hot like nothing else.

By halfpass | 0

#159487 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:00

Way to ASSume. Conceited much?

COMMENTS

By halfpass | 0

#159487 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:00

Way to ASSume. Conceited much?

Reply

Karma495 | 0

#1778877 - Wednesday 1 December 2010 14:03

lmao

Reply

ahti546 | 11

#2687479 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 18:23

^^ win

Reply

doodlepupp | 6

#5282191 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 9:10

How is that being an ass? She obviously thought it was a compliment like any normal person would and was being nice in thanking him for it

By Shunnabunich | 0

#159491 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

Sounds more like his FML than yours for the Freudian slip.

By czm | 0

#159493 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

hahaha it happens. but he probably knew you'd think that and tried to make a joke.

By suckerz | 0

#159496 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:02

I would have called the cops if yome creepy freak keeps running infront of my house

By paperfox_fml | 0

#159502 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:04

Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a purple faced panting girl with sweat stains under her arms who keeps circling your house. Gets me hot like nothing else.

By 24788 | 6

#159507 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:06

HAHA

I would have assumed you were high on something.

By i_imagine | 0

#159516 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:09

LOL @ #5's comment. xDDDD

By ninjachik | 0

#159523 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:12

#2 what Freudian slip? He said exactly what he intended to say, she just misunderstood. So if anyone deserved an IAYLIF in this situation, which no one does, then it would be her.

By Hadeezz | 0

#159546 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:28

Well the guy shud of been nice and Act as if he ment that you Are HOT.

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6102175 - Monday 27 October 2014 21:28

The enormous amount of grammar mistakes in your comment made me cringe.

By audereyy | 0

#159556 - Friday 1 May 2009 14:35

hahaaa. well obviouslyyy.