Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My...

By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 18:56 - India - Pune

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

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Love

Oh, hai!

Caught red-handed

Who's a good boy?

By Gutted. - 21/3/2009 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 05:32 - United States - Alexandria Bay

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

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By Yuck - 11/10/2018 05:00

Today, I worked a 12-hour shift. Today my parents' cat also had diarrhoea. Rather than clean it up when said cat projectile shat all through my bed, they simply closed my door and left it for me. Since it's in my room, apparently it's my problem. They can't understand why I'm pissed. FML

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By mcpeepants - 8/1/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

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By Out of Shape - 16/8/2011 22:09 - Egypt

Today, I decided to start exercising. I almost passed out five minutes into the warm up, and couldn't even stand in the shower afterwards. I'm only 21. FML

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By nick - 12/5/2010 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

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By wintersoldier - 14/7/2015 02:36 - Austria

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

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By Ginger - 3/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By HappyBirthday - 28/5/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By ugh Buck! - 11/9/2013 16:57 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By David - 1/9/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it will help the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handle bars. The handle bars came off and I fell down on the cross bar, busting my nuts. FML

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By shit.jpg - 25/8/2015 19:22 - United States - Waban

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

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By DreeStahr - 30/9/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 25/2/2019 16:00

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By Lithiac - 4/2/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By imobesejk - 17/7/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

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By thissucks - 21/2/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Scarred Nephew - 10/5/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By talktothefacecausethehandswanking - 22/6/2013 18:54 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

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By davincourt - 29/4/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome - 15/7/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By very very lonely - 24/9/2016 04:18

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

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By Sarah - 9/4/2015 20:24 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By Dear God Why - 5/12/2016 13:07

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

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By copenhagen20 - 5/3/2010 20:21 - United States

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancée, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

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By sirenmario - 20/1/2011 00:52

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

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By Andrew - 12/10/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 22:24 - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

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By Nightshade823 - 10/11/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

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By Phoebe - 18/7/2009 08:15 - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 23:00

Family values

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

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By maybe? - 11/2/2015 16:11 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

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By ABD - 15/12/2017 01:30

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

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Top comments

By kianaaa32 | 17

#5533821 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:09

Sounds like you have a wonderful father.

By BrookieAnn | 19

#5533868 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:16

Say, "Same amount you paid mom"

Comments

By kianaaa32 | 17

#5533821 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:09

Sounds like you have a wonderful father.

Misswildsides | 22

#5533860 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:15

Your dad knows nothing about your relationship. Don't let his judging get to you.

Misswildsides | 22

#5533905 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:33

Your dad doesn't know your relationship. Don't let his judging get to you.

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5533919 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:43

*edit* my comment made me sound like a dick xD sorry, sorry OP I'm sure your a wonderful person

priiest | 8

#5534050 - Friday 14 June 2013 5:05

This is funny.... And it's obviusly a joke people...

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5534065 - Friday 14 June 2013 5:19

In the ops country, she's lucky he didn't slap the shit out of both of em for disgracing the family

IworkAt711 | 14

#5534211 - Friday 14 June 2013 6:45

What century are you from 45?

izzie321 | 27

#5535050 - Friday 14 June 2013 21:35

Sounds like something my shithole of a dad would say!

By LaLince | 40

#5533823 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:09

Your father is just an asshole.

By ShinedownLuv | 14

#5533824 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:09

Sounds like something my dad would say.

By brackaman | 18

#5533825 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:10

Ah, troll dad. The joy of all his offspring.

TrueTriage | 16

#5533900 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:28

Bit less troll and a bit more douche dad.

By tommyfox | 19

#5533826 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:10

You need revenge on your dad. Maybe a good prank would make him pay.

By RosesAndRhinos | 6

#5533828 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:10

Someones a little harsh

By erockinthesuburb | 17

#5533829 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:10

On the bright side of things, I think your dad is going to give him a raise :)

By imtooshy | 18

#5533836 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:11

Just tell him you're adopted so no chance of ever becoming like your dad. P.S, you're dad is an insensitive ass.

By cman1322 | 9

#5533837 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:11

Dads these days

lilhellian | 26

#5533906 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:34

I don't about your dad, but mine most certainly does not do this.

Kiki242 | 19

#5533932 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:51

I found it to be strange this comment was thumbed down yet "kids these days" comments are always receiving thumbs up.

By lucyy123 | 14

#5533839 - Friday 14 June 2013 3:12

That's why I don't tell my dad about my boyfriends