Health: Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in... - FML

22/09/2010 12:11 - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 061

You deserved it 3 978

Walk on the wild side

BO Central

Compromises

09/01/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

23/03/2009 20:38 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125 672

You deserved it 16 836

16/04/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 772

You deserved it 400

29/03/2011 00:31 - Canada

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 246

You deserved it 8 330

23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 714

You deserved it 655

14/12/2009 20:25 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 897

You deserved it 3 721

16/11/2016 06:37 - United States

Today, my crazy downstairs neighbor was yet again fighting with her boyfriend by slamming every door. When this didn't work, she went downstairs to fight with his grill. She wheeled it to the end of the driveway and pushed it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 088

You deserved it 791

13/07/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 419

You deserved it 8 443

10/01/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, while driving to my girlfriend's house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend's dad trying to say hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 195

You deserved it 65 011

23/11/2015 20:50 - United States - Winsted

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 17 809

04/03/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 717

You deserved it 15 180

05/05/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 215

You deserved it 3 419

27/10/2014 18:48 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 191

You deserved it 4 268

27/10/2015 03:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I learned the hisses of my 3 cats so I can tell who starts the fights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 541

You deserved it 3 379

It's not

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 16:02

Today, it's my birthday, none of my friends wished me a thing. I spent the whole day crying and then decided to call few of them and sobbingly demanded an explanation. Most of them didn't pick up, the rest called me a drama queen, saying that my birthday isn't as important as I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 1 311

09/02/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 116

You deserved it 7 513

25/12/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 391

You deserved it 4 337

01/02/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 051

You deserved it 2 429

04/01/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 176

You deserved it 4 689

Some people are so... creative.

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 209

You deserved it 1 512

There you are

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 471

You deserved it 3 597

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 08:00

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 422

25/08/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 080

You deserved it 41 743

08/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 701

You deserved it 360

15/09/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 887

You deserved it 9 313

* backs away slowly *

By tima - 27/06/2018 01:30

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 845

You deserved it 850

06/08/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 676

You deserved it 123

PANIC

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I'd fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 341

You deserved it 11 868

18/03/2009 16:42 - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 716

You deserved it 30 943

12/07/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 430

You deserved it 5 578

01/05/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 833

You deserved it 3 677

28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 200

You deserved it 3 556

08/10/2018 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 038

You deserved it 628

18/03/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 859

You deserved it 5 104

14/12/2010 05:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 910

You deserved it 2 780

04/11/2010 19:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 2 869

21/07/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 370

You deserved it 60 377

People are people

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 122

31/01/2012 02:34 - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 953

You deserved it 5 051

Wrong size

By ali927truthh - 12/01/2020 03:00

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 2 570

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Top comments

lonesomeXheartbr 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:18

you were counting your steps?

Norwegian_Wood 4

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:23

Good for you, for trying to get in shape. I know this has probably turned you off running for a while, so once you're feeling better, try something else! Don't give up!

Comments

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:13

dam you really fail at life.... atleast you didn't get stitches =D

boyguydudemalema 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:24

dude, it was an accident, just because u slipped and got owned badly, doesn't mean he fails at life.

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:30

if he gets owned by moss and pavement I'm pretty sure that's a fail.

doink 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:40

No, it's not. It's called "an accident".

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:57

would you be surprised if you can run crooked tomorrow or no.

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:32

I'm thinking he kinda fails at life for just trying to pick up running. that's something you work up to so ydi op.

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:42

he won't be able to walk straight tomorrow because he was anally raped by the sidewalk.

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:45

you probably just bruzed your hip you fucking pussy. a real man would have got up and kept running.

tweetbaby14 18

Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:52

uh huh and I'm suprised that you can still type after going through such an ordeal... unless you're lying that is.

mexicutioner123 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 22:34

only in japan....

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Thursday 23 September 2010 0:25

it was an accident! Just like how #1 was born! ;)

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Thursday 23 September 2010 0:54

this happend to me in the summer. except I sprained my ankle.

iHOOT4Hooters 0

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Thursday 23 September 2010 4:17

It's okay OP. If you can make it 9 steps, then you might be able to make it 10 steps, so keep trying!

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Thursday 23 September 2010 17:04

how can he walk with a broken hip? : S

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 6:26

I've done that shit on a bike before. damn moss almost broke my jaw and sliced my lip open. FYL For sure

itssnotfunny 24

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Monday 22 February 2016 3:25

he said almost broke his hip, I got confused too.

yafuckyourlife 4

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:16

haha dumb!

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 23:08

this person derserves it for counting their steps when they run

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Tuesday 4 October 2011 2:36

I know. Why do people insist on starting out so rough? I began just walking, then skipping out in the backyard. Then you can move onto running, or in my case, using the elliptical (not sure how you spell that one).

lonesomeXheartbr 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:18

you were counting your steps?

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 20:25

I'm glad I'm not the only person that thinks its strange he was counting

hiphop_danca94 2

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Thursday 23 September 2010 5:28

it makes for an...attractive story

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 6:48

I count mine? JK, I have a life..

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:19

haha don't think you'll ever go for a run in awhile.

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:21

Your mom won't be able to walk straight tomorrow.

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Thursday 23 September 2010 8:02

oh burn!

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:22

You almost broke a hip from that kind of fall? YDI if you're under the age of fifty. Drink your milk!

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:22

So the fall turned you gay? This is srs bsns.

makemeasandwich 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:55

lol

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:23

Slimy moss? were you running in a shallow stream?

mexicutioner123 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 22:32

some moss is just naturally slimy

gmor 0

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:28

haha. maybe getting in shape isn't your calling ;)

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Wednesday 22 September 2010 19:35

Buy a Wii and EA Sports Active. Then you can lose weight in your house and reward yourself with Wii games.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 121

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136