Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter,... - FML

By thatgirl247 - 11/9/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41995

You deserved it

5171

Tweet

Share

F*** my overweight life

DINOSAURS!!

Abuse

By sister of an angry nerd - 23/12/2015 06:09

Today, I went to see Star Wars with my brother. The entire time he talked about how scientifically inaccurate and improbable the entire movie was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23244

You deserved it

3134

Tweet

Share

By PulledOver - 1/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10932

You deserved it

54663

Tweet

Share

By jakestorm - 4/9/2019 20:00

Blockages

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1546

You deserved it

333

Tweet

Share

By Embarresedguy - 3/7/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38543

You deserved it

9696

Tweet

Share

By embarrassed - 8/10/2012 09:12 - Australia - Morphett Vale

Today, despite having a mild case of the flu, I visited my boyfriend's house and watched a movie with his parents. During the movie, I felt the sudden urge to sneeze. Trying to hold it in, I managed to do the loudest fart I've ever done in my life. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30837

You deserved it

6052

Tweet

Share

By fired - 9/8/2013 22:17

Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47835

You deserved it

7416

Tweet

Share

By SAM - 5/8/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3104

You deserved it

301

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/6/2014 03:30 - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53955

You deserved it

6228

Tweet

Share

By dmachin - 8/2/2010 19:30 - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31022

You deserved it

2106

Tweet

Share

By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28235

You deserved it

49870

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 15:34 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36324

You deserved it

3685

Tweet

Share

By scribbler8 - 14/10/2011 09:35 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27319

You deserved it

2560

Tweet

Share

By pheonixxe - 1/6/2015 22:45 - United States - Sheridan

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31810

You deserved it

8205

Tweet

Share

By itsnotthatIhatecharity - 26/8/2017 23:15

Today, I found out that because I, like many others, don't read the terms and conditions, I accidentally donated £200 to a charity because of a non-refundable payment on a volunteering trip. It's my parents' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1987

You deserved it

3022

Tweet

Share

By BenFiggy - 21/4/2016 13:28 - United States - Brick

Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21624

You deserved it

2579

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10775

You deserved it

42187

Tweet

Share

By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/3/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57987

You deserved it

7345

Tweet

Share

By Ren - 27/1/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28031

You deserved it

2176

Tweet

Share

By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36958

You deserved it

4991

Tweet

Share

By RensM - 20/8/2011 09:54 - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38101

You deserved it

3097

Tweet

Share

By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9376

You deserved it

750

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/1/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59120

You deserved it

18841

Tweet

Share

By nobar - 4/6/2019 06:00

Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

688

You deserved it

1607

Tweet

Share

By clueless - 19/5/2014 17:15 - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37564

You deserved it

58902

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13823

You deserved it

33602

Tweet

Share

By FUCK - 22/7/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48178

You deserved it

10807

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11482

You deserved it

30787

Tweet

Share

By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26804

You deserved it

2615

Tweet

Share

By GeorgiaBOYY - 4/1/2010 17:40 - United States

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33039

You deserved it

8159

Tweet

Share

By EricCartman - 20/5/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48487

You deserved it

6397

Tweet

Share

By Public Indecency - 28/6/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1621

You deserved it

479

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 22:38 - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22843

You deserved it

2152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9660

You deserved it

84508

Tweet

Share

By my dumb bro - 17/4/2013 16:13 - United States - Gillham

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55278

You deserved it

8744

Tweet

Share

By astalkerindeed - 16/5/2013 04:31 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50357

You deserved it

6430

Tweet

Share

By dad - 3/3/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34250

You deserved it

82922

Tweet

Share

By waterballoons - 27/7/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41183

You deserved it

4016

Tweet

Share

By Zach Got Robbed - 8/1/2014 23:02 - United States - Clifton

Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52155

You deserved it

5255

Tweet

Share

By IamHM - 19/7/2016 18:36 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I am on a 14 hour flight, stuck next to a large man whose rancid body odor is eclipsed only by his constant flatulence, which he loudly blames on me every time. On my other side is his friend who laughs like a moose at everything. There are no empty seats and no-one will trade with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13038

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1734

Tweet

Share

By Hypocrisy - 28/9/2011 22:16 - United States

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19586

You deserved it

56577

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#556625 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:13

I said you deserved it, but that's because you were willing to laugh at the poor girl he insulted until you found out that girl was YOU.

By TheKitsune | 0

#556640 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:16

Why is it only funny if he wasn't talking about you? YDI for being a sheep anyway. Twitter sucks.

COMMENTS

By Tim3 | 0

#556614 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Hahahahaha, that terrible
work on your face!

Reply

Mattfail | 0

#556757 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:43

YDI for stalking him via twitter

Reply

g7190g92 | 1

#556816 - Saturday 12 September 2009 0:10

Deciding to check out someone's Twitter one time because you have a class together does not constitute stalking

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#556952 - Saturday 12 September 2009 1:10

SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

I couldn't resist :]

Reply

k_cool | 0

#557278 - Saturday 12 September 2009 3:30

best reference to an 80's movie ever!

By PlasmaWafflez | 0

#556615 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Sucks

By tails8880 | 3

#556616 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

awww.. flip out on him. id tell him.

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#556913 - Saturday 12 September 2009 0:49

Don't turn around. Problem solved. On to the next FML.

By TrueFear94 | 0

#556617 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By pipsqueak7 | 7

#556618 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:11

awww. he's a jerk. don't worry. everyone's beautiful in their own way

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#556707 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:30

Except me. I'm just fuck-ugly right to the bone. LOL!

Reply

hollyjeez | 0

#1832797 - Sunday 12 December 2010 10:28

ya but she's not

By KaySL | 24

#556623 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:12

Please for the love of god take out a restraining order on yourself on his behalf. You're scaring the shit out of me with your creepy stalking ways.

Reply

threer | 30

#6468533 - Monday 23 November 2015 19:38

How the hell is looking at someone's Twitter stalking? You have problems, dumbass.

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#556625 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:13

I said you deserved it, but that's because you were willing to laugh at the poor girl he insulted until you found out that girl was YOU.

Reply

CDS09 | 0

#556772 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:49

agreed

Reply

orchids_torturer | 0

#556960 - Saturday 12 September 2009 1:15

valid point my dear!

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#557257 - Saturday 12 September 2009 3:17

Exactly!
OP is as much of an arrogant ass as he is.

Reply

xMooMoox | 0

#557623 - Saturday 12 September 2009 7:24

That is SO true, you suck OP

Reply

aquasnow39 | 0

#927690 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 5:17

AGREED.

Reply

fireflames113 | 6

#2506909 - Saturday 14 May 2011 6:39

next time darling, don't turn around.

By TheKitsune | 0

#556640 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:16

Why is it only funny if he wasn't talking about you? YDI for being a sheep anyway. Twitter sucks.

Reply

yupitssoph | 18

#4954187 - Friday 21 September 2012 0:33

Only sheep call other people sheeps

By chowyuk | 0

#556678 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:25

ydi for stalking him via twitter

By Trooth | 13

#556701 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:29

Well screw him then. Who cares what he thinks?