Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter,... - FML

By thatgirl247 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

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Season finale

There's no helping some people

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Brady - Spain - Madrid

Today, I called a taxi after a night of partying. When it arrived, I realised I had no cash, so I told the driver I'd quickly grab some from an ATM. He made me leave my phone with him as collateral in case I was pulling a prank. He drove off the moment I turned my back. FML

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By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By MollyMoodle7 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

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Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By MisterBrown - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a schedule in my dorm room that I share with three other guys. Looking at it closer I realized it was my schedule with notes written in all around it. My roommates have planned their entire days around mine so we won't have any interaction at all. I thought we got along great. FML

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By .... - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By "pixie_pix13"

Back to work

Today, I came back to work after being out for a week. As I walked to the back of the store I threw my hands up and yelled "I'm back bitches". Right after I said it, I noticed my boss was behind me. I was then taken to the office and wrote up for foul language on my first day back. FML

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

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By Rimmy Jobs - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

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By thatsucks4u - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 11:01

Unfair

Today, I refused to manually count $64 in pennies from a customer, because I would hold up the line and I was one of three registers open. In fact, I advised her to use the Coinstar machine in the lobby. She refused, threw a fit and demanded my manager for being “incompetent”. I was fired. FML

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By allergic - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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By d0rk_ - Canada

Today, I was in English when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I have to walk across my school with a plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 20:01

Regret…

Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Pavarotti next door

Today, I had to hear my neighbor whine again through the walls because he can't talk in a quiet voice. You can hear him from across the street, and that's before he gets drunk. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother sat me down and told me, "I'm not going to lie, I hate living with you. Please get a job and move out." I'm 16. FML

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By Badaboom - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By HeatoN - Germany

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

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By oops - Netherlands - Nieuwe-niedorp

Today, after spending almost an hour in the dentist's waiting room, watching other people get called in for their appointments, I finally lost my patience and asked the receptionist what was taking so long. I'd forgotten to sign in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

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By theamericandream - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By Christian - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

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By Olerbia - United States

Today, while working at Walmart, I was walking the sales floor and passed the end of an aisle. I saw a customer coming at me from the corner of my eye, so I jumped backwards. I hit a display case, and watched it topple over before turning to apologize to the customer. It was a ladder. FML

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By ApparentWeirdo

Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML

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By SchoolSucks - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was talking about my grandma's approaching death. When she saw I was getting upset, she gave me a weird look and asked me if I was PMSing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Gorebridge

Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

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By awkward O_o - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

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By "clumsycat"

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

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Top comments

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#556625 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:13

I said you deserved it, but that's because you were willing to laugh at the poor girl he insulted until you found out that girl was YOU.

By TheKitsune | 0

#556640 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:16

Why is it only funny if he wasn't talking about you? YDI for being a sheep anyway. Twitter sucks.

COMMENTS

By Tim3 | 0

#556614 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Hahahahaha, that terrible
work on your face!

Reply

Mattfail | 0

#556757 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:43

YDI for stalking him via twitter

Reply

g7190g92 | 1

#556816 - Saturday 12 September 2009 0:10

Deciding to check out someone's Twitter one time because you have a class together does not constitute stalking

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#556952 - Saturday 12 September 2009 1:10

SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

I couldn't resist :]

Reply

k_cool | 0

#557278 - Saturday 12 September 2009 3:30

best reference to an 80's movie ever!

By PlasmaWafflez | 0

#556615 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Sucks

By tails8880 | 3

#556616 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

awww.. flip out on him. id tell him.

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#556913 - Saturday 12 September 2009 0:49

Don't turn around. Problem solved. On to the next FML.

By TrueFear94 | 0

#556617 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By pipsqueak7 | 7

#556618 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:11

awww. he's a jerk. don't worry. everyone's beautiful in their own way

Reply

v1kt4r | 13

#556707 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:30

Except me. I'm just fuck-ugly right to the bone. LOL!

Reply

hollyjeez | 0

#1832797 - Sunday 12 December 2010 10:28

ya but she's not

By KaySL | 24

#556623 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:12

Please for the love of god take out a restraining order on yourself on his behalf. You're scaring the shit out of me with your creepy stalking ways.

Reply

threer | 30

#6468533 - Monday 23 November 2015 19:38

How the hell is looking at someone's Twitter stalking? You have problems, dumbass.

By crazy_cat_lady | 0

#556625 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:13

I said you deserved it, but that's because you were willing to laugh at the poor girl he insulted until you found out that girl was YOU.

Reply

CDS09 | 0

#556772 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:49

agreed

Reply

orchids_torturer | 0

#556960 - Saturday 12 September 2009 1:15

valid point my dear!

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#557257 - Saturday 12 September 2009 3:17

Exactly!
OP is as much of an arrogant ass as he is.

Reply

xMooMoox | 0

#557623 - Saturday 12 September 2009 7:24

That is SO true, you suck OP

Reply

aquasnow39 | 0

#927690 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 5:17

AGREED.

Reply

fireflames113 | 6

#2506909 - Saturday 14 May 2011 6:39

next time darling, don't turn around.

By TheKitsune | 0

#556640 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:16

Why is it only funny if he wasn't talking about you? YDI for being a sheep anyway. Twitter sucks.

Reply

yupitssoph | 18

#4954187 - Friday 21 September 2012 0:33

Only sheep call other people sheeps

By chowyuk | 0

#556678 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:25

ydi for stalking him via twitter

By Trooth | 13

#556701 - Friday 11 September 2009 23:29

Well screw him then. Who cares what he thinks?