Intimacy: Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private...

By SoggyPancakes - 11/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 738

You deserved it 71 645

Intimacy

Vulture

The smell detective is on the case

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

By ohcrap - 11/12/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who's a bit older than me, introduced me to his daughter. I was expecting a toddler. Nope, she's a year older than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 334

You deserved it 39 993

By jmitch1209 - 28/01/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then peed and pooped on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 3 843

By GamerTag - 02/10/2012 13:11 - United States - Wantagh

Today, I realized I might lose my job because some asshole customer complained about me to my district manager. His complaint? Girls can't work at video game stores. My DM agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 386

You deserved it 2 404

By Melting in Texas - 09/08/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 768

You deserved it 934

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 162

By asdfBUTT - 06/03/2012 01:36 - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 460

You deserved it 32 085

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 11:01 - Slovakia - Senec

Today, I realised that 3/4 of my family are prone to believe conspiracies and are anti-Covid freaks. I want to keep our relationships, but every discussion ends in an argument about some conspiracy they believe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 05/08/2013 05:33 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 972

You deserved it 8 980

An Inconvenient Thief

By Satver7 - 10/03/2017 22:00

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 148

You deserved it 4 540

We're up all night to not get some

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 03:00

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 865

You deserved it 500

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 412

You deserved it 7 317

By unlucky - 10/11/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 644

You deserved it 3 355

By Anonymous - 20/07/2014 23:57 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 034

You deserved it 3 372

By oww - 09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 217

You deserved it 38 188

Helpful

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 18:01

Today, I had a conversation with my doctor about how I am neurologically incapable of feeling happiness like a normal person, and he doesn't know what to do about it. His words, not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 68

Method acting

By Anonymous - 27/05/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 714

You deserved it 34 317

By wow. - 06/05/2009 20:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my driving instructor's car for my first lesson. He looked at me, then said, "I'm sorry, but I wasn't told about your disabilities, what do you have?" I'm not disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 866

You deserved it 3 707

Good night, sleep tight

By jjkk - 23/01/2021 05:02

Today, I have been trying to stop sleeping during the day, so I decided to clean my room to keep myself awake. Four hours later, I woke up on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 110

By Tmth - 25/05/2016 22:24

Today, I'm on crutches due to hip surgery. I went to the fridge to grab a bite to eat, but quickly realized if I wanted anything, I would have to eat there. I can't carry anything. Cold leftovers here we go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 297

You deserved it 869

By Doors Hate Me - 02/03/2013 14:09 - United States

Today, as I was about to open a door at school, a student opened it and hit me. As I recovered and was about to open it again, someone else opened the door, hitting me again. Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 949

You deserved it 3 862

By DerrickUhl - 19/06/2012 04:28 - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 718

You deserved it 6 906

By Motionless - 26/05/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 23 701

By civic4life - 17/09/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 604

You deserved it 55 503

By UnluckyInk - 18/02/2013 08:50 - United States - Manlius

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 280

You deserved it 49 553

By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 01:54 - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 411

You deserved it 1 457

By dude i am so sorry - 19/09/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 265

You deserved it 4 199

By Totallyscrewed - 10/02/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 426

You deserved it 3 646

By Anonymous - 06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 203

You deserved it 12 312

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

By Tyr88 - 05/03/2017 02:00 - Australia - Blakehurst

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 487

You deserved it 1 554

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 15:46 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previous one. She seemed nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wasted, spilled beer all over my bed and blew chunks into my fish tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 511

You deserved it 2 964

By daddyslittlegirl250 - 05/05/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 044

You deserved it 83 922

By suzyyy - 23/02/2011 09:18 - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 994

You deserved it 28 240

By TheSacredTeddyBear - 31/07/2013 03:06 - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 885

You deserved it 4 939

By Blazouta - 11/11/2008 08:32 - France

Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 005

You deserved it 4 561

By thatwasembarrassing - 04/09/2018 15:00

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 173

You deserved it 406

By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 710

You deserved it 676

By Anonymous - 26/03/2015 10:16

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 574

You deserved it 2 720

By imnotcool - 16/04/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 547

You deserved it 67 942

By Anonymous - 26/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 161

You deserved it 96 999

By snidpea - 31/01/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 998

You deserved it 3 470

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Top comments

lolol182 4

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:23

why the hell would she leave it on? infront of your parents, no less

Chrisham 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:24

#1: That's the point... She let his parents listen in

lolol182 4

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:23

why the hell would she leave it on? infront of your parents, no less

cfbeaner 0

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Thursday 19 August 2010 22:19

y would u do that if u knew she was wit up parents? ydi pendejo.

Chrisham 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:24

#1: That's the point... She let his parents listen in

z_vet 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:25

Lesson learned?

z620 0

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:09

how the hell would he know it's on speaker

wudgie 0

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Wednesday 9 February 2011 6:53

she told him

Melanie_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:26

Soooo not believable, like she's going to giggle as you're talking dirty on speaker phone. Sounds like the BS my clients tell me about their sex lives (I work in porn). :P

jkd_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:35

#4, shes probably giggling becauseobviously if the parents heard...

April11 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:35

lol!

ArminAnderson 0

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Tuesday 6 April 2010 6:27

that's what i was thinking

RHK_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 1:43

lol right on man.

wrestler_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 2:24

blown

Kassad_fml 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 2:29

having the speakerphone turned on in front of the parents is just wrong.. if she wants the parents to listen then invite him directly to them and talk .. geeze