Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time... - FML

By fuckmylife - 28/4/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58173

You deserved it

8312

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

Caught red-handed

British Broadcasting Corporation

By misTreated - 30/5/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32856

You deserved it

5528

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/12/2015 02:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I turned to face the cashier at the supermarket, I managed to knock over an entire display of gift cards with my backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20113

You deserved it

4057

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 01:46 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33731

You deserved it

5064

Tweet

Share

By Melting in Texas - 9/8/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13691

You deserved it

926

Tweet

Share

By kimmybr - 22/9/2009 09:36 - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39574

You deserved it

5565

Tweet

Share

By Zedscar - 15/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3751

You deserved it

608

Tweet

Share

By apavies444 - 28/11/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19081

You deserved it

44774

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 08:22 - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32502

You deserved it

3892

Tweet

Share

By GiraffeLover - 11/1/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45140

You deserved it

6985

Tweet

Share

By imnotacat - 20/7/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34852

You deserved it

3074

Tweet

Share

By schooyou101 - 17/11/2012 13:34 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crush finally agreed to spend the night with me. I told my parents to act normal for one night. Apparently, "normal" is strutting around naked and acting like a chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30993

You deserved it

6100

Tweet

Share

By konacoffee17 - 14/12/2014 05:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33531

You deserved it

3044

Tweet

Share

By mugged - 1/6/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40133

You deserved it

4693

Tweet

Share

By soonaked - 30/1/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44100

You deserved it

5921

Tweet

Share

By milly - 20/12/2011 10:43 - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40069

You deserved it

6580

Tweet

Share

By pigtails - 16/1/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31297

You deserved it

3213

Tweet

Share

By ddeit - 19/8/2011 02:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30250

You deserved it

3651

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 05:33 - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33242

You deserved it

6571

Tweet

Share

By omfgnooo - 9/9/2011 23:22 - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17759

You deserved it

54590

Tweet

Share

By ladylol - 24/11/2012 13:54 - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40007

You deserved it

12436

Tweet

Share

By RKD - 23/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Panama City

Dodged a bullet, TBH

Today, my girlfriend, whom I thought I would marry, broke up with me. She broke up with me because I don't believe the government controls the weather. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1706

You deserved it

207

Tweet

Share

By Piano999 - 21/2/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5363

You deserved it

61889

Tweet

Share

By UhhhUhhhRRRick - 5/3/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, an elderly gentleman walked into the UPS Store where I work asking to use the laminating machine. I explained to him that we keep it behind the counter and I would do it for him, when he produced several graphic photos of him having it off with nasty looking women to be laminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55948

You deserved it

4361

Tweet

Share

By WTF? - 1/4/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51750

You deserved it

8151

Tweet

Share

By PuddlePirate - 7/9/2012 16:23 - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30504

You deserved it

3412

Tweet

Share

By Robbins - 31/8/2009 02:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to meet with my landlord to organise when he was coming to look at my flat and decide whether I get my deposit back. In the time it took to see him, my friend drank a bottle of vodka and vomited all over my room and knocked the window through. My landlord is coming in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34595

You deserved it

5305

Tweet

Share

By McWhopper - 8/5/2015 17:40 - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30476

You deserved it

4327

Tweet

Share

By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1611

You deserved it

85

Tweet

Share

By oops123 - 15/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I finally hooked up with a guy I've been hanging out with for 2 months. Afterwards, while we're getting dressed he says "You better be clean. If you're not tell me now so I dont pass it on to my girlfriend." Stunned, all I could say was, "Girlfriend?!" His reply, "Well technically my fiancée." FML

I agree, your life sucks

78002

You deserved it

14133

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27784

You deserved it

2001

Tweet

Share

By Unlucky - 19/12/2018 02:00 - United Kingdom - Bagworth

Today, I found out my ex gave me an STI. Today I also found out I'm allergic to the medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4772

You deserved it

481

Tweet

Share

By wtfdreams - 17/5/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

192562

You deserved it

50048

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

I agree, your life sucks

30635

You deserved it

2258

Tweet

Share

By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13435

You deserved it

70075

Tweet

Share

By jaimpastaggle - 6/10/2016 14:24 - France

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10969

You deserved it

1265

Tweet

Share

By insomniacap - 30/12/2015 23:47 - United States - Stratford

Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27468

You deserved it

4923

Tweet

Share

By Chicketi - 11/2/2009 14:45 - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39896

You deserved it

8214

Tweet

Share

By Michelle - 9/1/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30561

You deserved it

3408

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 18:25 - Italy - Pistoia

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55001

You deserved it

8892

Tweet

Share

By madib33 - 11/1/2014 05:49 - United States

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41363

You deserved it

9935

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#150692 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:04

Pay him back by shitting on his face when he passes out.

Or just his bed. Your call..

Personally if someone did that to me I would go shit on his clothes, bed and toothbrush! And when I ran out of shit I would start pissing... and when I ran out of piss I would start wanking over his stuff.

By Whisp3r | 0

#150695 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:04

Damn man I know just what you mean. I've been through it before. That's why I'm never DD anymore LOL

Comments

By Jimboom | 11

#150692 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:04

Pay him back by shitting on his face when he passes out.

Or just his bed. Your call..

Personally if someone did that to me I would go shit on his clothes, bed and toothbrush! And when I ran out of shit I would start pissing... and when I ran out of piss I would start wanking over his stuff.

Reply

jts2x3 | 0

#974193 - Monday 5 April 2010 3:55

ur fcukin slack

By Whisp3r | 0

#150695 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:04

Damn man I know just what you mean. I've been through it before. That's why I'm never DD anymore LOL

By greenman_fml | 0

#150698 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:04

That'll teach you to drink and drive. At least you would have been in good spirits

By rukusrazor | 0

#150701 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:05

hahaha. There is a lot of peeing going on in FMLs lately.

Wake 'em up nice and early by banging on pans, maybe shouting through a mega-phone or something.

By Tim_Otay | 0

#150702 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:05

Just shows the level of intelligence that your friends possess.

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#150709 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:07

And tommorow night you can return the favor XD

By nativebacon | 0

#150717 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:09

Well, he may have been getting his revenge from something you may have done while you were drunk one time?

By heathcoate | 0

#150736 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:17

You "got" repaid. If you start in the past tense, stay in the past tense. It's not that hard.

Also, if you're babysitting the drunks, don't let them go into your room. Seriously?

By kelseysue92 | 0

#150738 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:18

dude - time to get new roommates.

By Tucatz | 0

#150740 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 16:20

Sounds to me like you need a better class of housemates.

Get revenge: drunken jenga. You stack as many things on them as you can while they're passed out, then post the pics online. Bonus points if you can use a marker to draw a cock on their cheek.