Intimacy: Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head... - FML

By stickyface - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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Understandable

And today, on Dr Phil…

Serious times

By tylah - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By gs - United States

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

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By 3lavyaa - United Kingdom

Good morning!

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By Ecolo-girl - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

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By WorthLessThanACareer

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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By he is going to hell - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By cat whisperer - United States

Today, on my way to Burger King I got into a heated discussion with my wife about our cats. We have 15 rescues, and I've reached my limit. Guess what came running up to my car while waiting in the drive-through. We named him Pickles. FML

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By Kev - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Savannah - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By Joplin - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

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By anon

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

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By failure as a parent - United States - Bound Brook

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

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By musik_ist_liebe - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

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By Woops - United States - Secaucus

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

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By Falcka - 12/4/2021 04:59

The client is always right

Today, I was waitressing at the diner and a guy ordered two eggs, one scrambled and one poached. He hurled his plate at me angrily because they "scrambled the egg he wanted poached and poached the egg he wanted scrambled." He stormed out without paying. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

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By Earplugged - United States - Vancouver

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

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By Fred - Canada

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

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By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my father tried to secretly follow me all day, because he doesn't believe that I have any "real" errands to run or friends to meet with. He's actually convinced that I'm living some secret double life with another family. FML

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By Mamasboyhater - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

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By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By tired waitress - United States

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

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By PerfectBoyfriend - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By whoops - 3/10/2020 05:06

Trans women are women

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By EggBomb

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

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By Idiot - United States - Anchorage

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

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By EternalBlossom - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

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Top comments

By haglette | 2

#1594508 - Sunday 24 October 2010 13:29

The downstairs tv room is so adventurous...

By yoonhee_fml | 0

#1594328 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

daddy's little girl lol

COMMENTS

By InDenial | 6

#1594312 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:16

Oh snap busted.

Reply

timma90 | 4

#1594324 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:19

More like he came and saw.

Reply

sukaaa | 0

#1594431 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:58

wow try a room next time with the door closed

Reply

allard | 14

#1594759 - Sunday 24 October 2010 14:58

Did someone say threesome?

LOL jokes guys, don't be hating for the jokes.

Reply

BelleElle_fml | 5

#1594792 - Sunday 24 October 2010 15:14

How is that "adventurous"?

Reply

jckbco | 0

#1594928 - Sunday 24 October 2010 15:59

I think the adventuresome part is that she was doing this with people in the house.., dies she really need to explain the back story for you?

Reply

cassiesaurus | 0

#1595610 - Sunday 24 October 2010 18:03

haha. ydi for doing it with a parent in the house. be more careful next time kiddo.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1595628 - Sunday 24 October 2010 18:05

Suck your dad off.

Reply

CiaranPM | 0

#1595680 - Sunday 24 October 2010 18:16

He came, he saw, he "oh shitted."

Reply

bravesfan112233 | 0

#1597379 - Monday 25 October 2010 1:15

"he came, he saw, he conquered" jay z

Reply

jewban | 3

#1598489 - Monday 25 October 2010 4:58

u should of had him cum then have him put a pillow over his dick and pretend that your chatting

Reply

aadk | 0

#1599888 - Monday 25 October 2010 10:57

Someone definitely busted... a nut haha

Reply

FrenchToast94 | 0

#1601979 - Monday 25 October 2010 17:14

roflmao!!!!

By doopeyh | 0

#1594326 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

valri3 | 0

#1594855 - Sunday 24 October 2010 15:34

Yea next time give him bottom. ;)

Reply

zem5 | 0

#1595470 - Sunday 24 October 2010 17:36

48 you can give me bottom anytime you want ;)

Reply

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1596600 - Sunday 24 October 2010 20:58

76 don't tell me that's your baby...

Reply

Nick_1993 | 2

#1596936 - Sunday 24 October 2010 22:42

106. that baby is to good looking to be his

Reply

corytheboss | 0

#1728934 - Saturday 20 November 2010 23:58

112 but she can be mine anytime ;)

Reply

kelseythompson | 27

#5470216 - Monday 29 April 2013 6:05

dumbasses

By yoonhee_fml | 0

#1594328 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

daddy's little girl lol

Reply

hottiewitdamesse | 8

#1596396 - Sunday 24 October 2010 20:13

ahahaha! i like thus!

By TheWhiteBunny | 3

#1594330 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:21

busted for busting a nut.

Reply

dannyswin | 0

#1595240 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:49

win

Reply

crobcrob | 1

#1602837 - Monday 25 October 2010 20:51

win

Reply

JustJaredfied | 0

#1614284 - Thursday 28 October 2010 4:53

lol good on

Reply

chuksnwali | 34

#5967092 - Friday 6 June 2014 21:12

nice

By molil_4810 | 0

#1594347 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:23

you've been a bad girl!!

Reply

Moo_Horse | 0

#1595102 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:26

nice pic

By Wirebiter | 0

#1594366 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:29

Did your dad and boyfriend high-five?

Reply

bman134 | 0

#1595221 - Sunday 24 October 2010 16:44

I was thinking that too but I think her dad would be pissed and his dad would high five

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1595817 - Sunday 24 October 2010 18:38

67 Im not a gramer nazi but your gonna atract em. Me to. Jk. I love doin it on per piss.

Reply

e400853 | 0

#1597987 - Monday 25 October 2010 3:15

lmao nice

By TheWhiteBunny | 3

#1594411 - Sunday 24 October 2010 12:54

Read the FML again. The door WAS locked. The father was probably coming in from outside.

By harviss12 | 8

#1594440 - Sunday 24 October 2010 13:03

hahahah suck a dick, oh wait u were doing that! hahahahahahHaha

Reply

Pretty_reckless_fml | 18

#5060803 - Saturday 20 October 2012 1:22

Wow you're hilarious.... -_-

Reply

palosqueak | 19

#5806546 - Friday 27 December 2013 13:51

Oh, soooo funny... Way to attract girls...

By stfuexe | 0

#1594457 - Sunday 24 October 2010 13:09

WTF you on about whitebunny it said that she was about to get up and lock the door Just as he came but she was too late.

By ohsuzykuew | 0

#1594465 - Sunday 24 October 2010 13:11

10- try again. she stopped to get up and lock the door. middle of the night fml's. doh!