Intimacy: Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 101

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 661

You deserved it 106

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 617

You deserved it 41

24/10/2010 05:18

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 956

You deserved it 41 399

Intimacy

Dysfunctional

Mama's boy

The patriarchy rules

07/08/2013 22:24

Today, my mum picked up a bunch of tissues that were scattered around my room. She examined them, then asked me to stop wasting her potential grandchildren. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 500

You deserved it 44 066

27/11/2012 05:06

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 524

You deserved it 13 371

29/12/2011 19:01

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 452

You deserved it 3 922

13/11/2010 05:13

Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 766

You deserved it 2 992

20/01/2012 12:13

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 819

You deserved it 2 505

28/02/2019 14:00

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 400

You deserved it 249

21/07/2012 01:59

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 390

You deserved it 4 019

06/06/2019 14:00

Today, my ex said I had a lot in common with his new girlfriend. His new, grossly overweight, college drop-out, clinically depressed, constantly pot-smoking girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 620

You deserved it 360

10/05/2012 13:09

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 607

You deserved it 28 624

11/11/2011 11:50

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 242

You deserved it 7 111

24/07/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 636

You deserved it 163

09/06/2015 03:04

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 060

You deserved it 2 620

22/06/2013 14:00

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 097

You deserved it 3 397

05/09/2009 20:54

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 507

You deserved it 47 056

23/12/2009 05:03

Today, I submitted my application to a restaurant as a server. The manager, who is more than 30 years older than me, said he'd be calling me. He later texted me asking for a date instead of giving me a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 199

You deserved it 2 230

02/02/2012 10:41

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 180

You deserved it 4 509

11/10/2009 04:40

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 697

You deserved it 118 885

01/01/2009 03:45

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 892

You deserved it 9 159

29/03/2011 03:33

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 562

You deserved it 16 825

23/08/2009 23:00

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 877

You deserved it 39 511

24/11/2012 19:38

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 944

You deserved it 17 575

06/11/2009 06:59

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 943

You deserved it 8 292

20/07/2010 00:23

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 668

You deserved it 4 097

12/03/2013 14:05

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 996

You deserved it 3 097

06/02/2016 01:34

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 359

You deserved it 2 162

03/05/2016 15:06

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 174

You deserved it 15 018

20/07/2010 13:33

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 616

You deserved it 40 954

26/09/2014 13:03

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 226

You deserved it 6 607

Strange flex, but OK

By Jpah - 24/06/2009 00:08

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 823

You deserved it 3 894

10/09/2012 00:45

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 740

You deserved it 2 909

01/03/2009 08:45

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 374

You deserved it 15 574

18/04/2012 10:59

Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 765

You deserved it 2 867

25/06/2010 00:14

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 848

You deserved it 6 524

08/02/2013 02:56

Today, I had an in-depth conversation at work about how technically Luke Skywalker was never a Jedi Master. Highlight of my working day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 452

You deserved it 5 777

19/02/2009 03:51

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 746

You deserved it 17 129

My lovely horse

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 08:01

Today, after we managed to find a horse that was completely healthy and problem-free, we took her home. Now she keeps getting thinner because she's stressed and scared. Of what? Of having too much space to move around in, and occasionally seeing deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 97

17/02/2011 17:29

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 700

You deserved it 37 618

10/12/2015 02:59

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 413

You deserved it 1 677

10/06/2015 13:26

Today, I asked my boss for a couple of days off to recover from a nasty ear infection which has left me hard of hearing. However, he didn't understand why that would affect my job and refused. I work in a telephone call centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 065

You deserved it 1 938

25/11/2015 02:59

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 171

You deserved it 1 509

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Top comments

haglette 2

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Sunday 24 October 2010 13:29

The downstairs tv room is so adventurous...

yoonhee_fml 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

daddy's little girl lol

Comments

InDenial 6

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:16

Oh snap busted.

timma90 4

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:19

More like he came and saw.

sukaaa 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:58

wow try a room next time with the door closed

allard 14

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Sunday 24 October 2010 14:58

Did someone say threesome? LOL jokes guys, don't be hating for the jokes.

BelleElle_fml 5

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Sunday 24 October 2010 15:14

How is that "adventurous"?

jckbco 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 15:59

I think the adventuresome part is that she was doing this with people in the house.., dies she really need to explain the back story for you?

cassiesaurus 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 18:03

haha. ydi for doing it with a parent in the house. be more careful next time kiddo.

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 24 October 2010 18:05

Suck your dad off.

CiaranPM 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 18:16

He came, he saw, he "oh shitted."

bravesfan112233 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 1:15

"he came, he saw, he conquered" jay z

jewban 3

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Monday 25 October 2010 4:58

u should of had him cum then have him put a pillow over his dick and pretend that your chatting

aadk 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 10:57

Someone definitely busted... a nut haha

FrenchToast94 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 17:14

roflmao!!!!

doopeyh 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

valri3 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 15:34

Yea next time give him bottom. ;)

zem5 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 17:36

48 you can give me bottom anytime you want ;)

HahaHokayThen 10

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Sunday 24 October 2010 20:58

76 don't tell me that's your baby...

Nick_1993 2

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Sunday 24 October 2010 22:42

106. that baby is to good looking to be his

corytheboss 0

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Saturday 20 November 2010 23:58

112 but she can be mine anytime ;)

kelseythompson 27

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Monday 29 April 2013 6:05

dumbasses

yoonhee_fml 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:20

daddy's little girl lol

hottiewitdamesse 8

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Sunday 24 October 2010 20:13

ahahaha! i like thus!

TheWhiteBunny 3

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:21

busted for busting a nut.

dannyswin 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 16:49

win

crobcrob 1

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Monday 25 October 2010 20:51

win

JustJaredfied 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 4:53

lol good on

chuksnwali 34

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Friday 6 June 2014 21:12

nice

molil_4810 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:23

you've been a bad girl!!

Moo_Horse 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 16:26

nice pic

Wirebiter 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:29

Did your dad and boyfriend high-five?

bman134 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 16:44

I was thinking that too but I think her dad would be pissed and his dad would high five

MrSassypants 32

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Sunday 24 October 2010 18:38

67 Im not a gramer nazi but your gonna atract em. Me to. Jk. I love doin it on per piss.

e400853 0

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Monday 25 October 2010 3:15

lmao nice

TheWhiteBunny 3

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Sunday 24 October 2010 12:54

Read the FML again. The door WAS locked. The father was probably coming in from outside.

harviss12 8

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Sunday 24 October 2010 13:03

hahahah suck a dick, oh wait u were doing that! hahahahahahHaha

Pretty_reckless_fml 18

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Saturday 20 October 2012 1:22

Wow you're hilarious.... -_-

palosqueak 19

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Friday 27 December 2013 13:51

Oh, soooo funny... Way to attract girls...

stfuexe 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 13:09

WTF you on about whitebunny it said that she was about to get up and lock the door Just as he came but she was too late.

ohsuzykuew 0

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Sunday 24 October 2010 13:11

10- try again. she stopped to get up and lock the door. middle of the night fml's. doh!