Geek: Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually... - FML

By No.Life. - 14/07/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 515

You deserved it 32 516

Hiding from the drama

Vulture

Cool mom

Fatal decision

By juliette - 07/02/2015 05:13 - United States - Astoria

Today, my mom called me an attention seeker and threw a bitch fit because my cat "decided" to die on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 700

You deserved it 2 513

By Anonymous - 24/04/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 714

You deserved it 223

Stay at home

By Nataly - 24/12/2020 23:02 - United States - Rahway

Today, after I bought a ticket to Colombia back in April this year to travel in December. I was waiting for my passport to get mailed. My flight was on December 17; I received my passport on December 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 307

By Single - 07/08/2010 11:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 271

You deserved it 6 997

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 003

You deserved it 2 859

By DemiRawrs - 01/05/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 559

You deserved it 4 684

By Maddie - 22/03/2011 15:39

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 443

You deserved it 12 918

By Widowmaker - 28/11/2012 18:09 - United States - Henderson

Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 670

You deserved it 48 520

By coolchicka05 - 06/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 825

You deserved it 9 727

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 594

You deserved it 4 089

It's frostbite time!

By Freezing - 24/03/2020 05:06

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 619

You deserved it 130

By DSM - 14/03/2009 11:05 - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 777

You deserved it 117 270

By zerom - 23/07/2011 00:52 - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 137

You deserved it 12 211

Gene Simmons approves this FML

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 416

You deserved it 12 164

By Skankeriffic - 19/02/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 203

You deserved it 30 617

By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 901

You deserved it 14 961

By great - 20/07/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 461

You deserved it 31 212

By 2gewd4u - 15/01/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 161

You deserved it 4 059

By Anonymous - 29/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Wilmington

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 210

You deserved it 17 890

By Ren - 24/02/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 576

You deserved it 4 313

Sex Ed is broken

By asnolt - 24/05/2011 22:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 582

You deserved it 9 328

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 3 893

Long distance

By DumpedGirl89 - 22/06/2021 14:01

Today, my long-distance boyfriend decided to tell me he found a girl in his hometown he’s become attracted to, and that he doesn’t love me anymore. He says we can "still be friends." I’d just driven 100 miles to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 89

By Username - 08/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 210

You deserved it 10 447

By mr_dinzaster - 30/05/2019 22:00

Today, a dog came into my yard. I bent down to pet him, forgetting I had a burger in my hand. The dog grabbed it and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 1 764

By Target - 12/02/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 931

You deserved it 2 788

By missedfistbump - 20/03/2013 14:31 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 568

You deserved it 8 650

By waternixie - 08/10/2014 03:49 - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 139

You deserved it 5 334

By Anonymous - 28/05/2013 11:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 424

You deserved it 48 281

By notagoodjoke - 25/12/2016 01:01 - United States - Vincentown

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 640

You deserved it 2 166

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

By Anonymous - 09/05/2020 20:00

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 240

By phonesnshit - 29/05/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 143

You deserved it 3 476

By Anonymous - 08/05/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 965

You deserved it 5 510

By likesboys - 19/05/2010 12:00 - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 883

You deserved it 4 960

By disfunctionalfamily - 27/04/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 750

You deserved it 4 589

By kidswithnomanners - 05/09/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 267

You deserved it 10 230

By numbat97 - 14/06/2019 02:00 - Australia - Burswood

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 1 392

By ohcrap - 02/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 409

You deserved it 16 073

By Embarrassed - 12/12/2011 13:45 - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 136

You deserved it 6 261

By Anonymous - 25/06/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 875

You deserved it 54 584

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Top comments

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:12

Instead, you came on FML.

theChupacabras 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:15

am I the only one who doesn't have a Facebook? and totally fine with that?

Comments

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:12

Instead, you came on FML.

SOTYsNumber1Fan 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:14

thanks for that one tips

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:14

you should kinda like my sister because your addicted to facebook but she has a life which I think you need.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:17

now you can try and get 1

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:20

I'm baffled as to why #2 and #3 replied to comment #1. Your comment would have still been in the same order lol.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:54

8, they're just a bit silly...they want to make sure they're seen, lol.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:55

Well, in theory, if everyone simply replied to #1, then we wouldn't have people moping about people replying to #1 and everyone would be in order.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:56

I'm baffled as to why anyone cares where people reply.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 14:34

My thoughts exactly.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 15:28

I don't care where people reply, I just thought it was weird that they did that because it wouldn't have made a difference. :P

Thabb 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 15:45

You probably aren't convincing anyone.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 16:21

#39 I wanna meet you you seem cool.

Thabb 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 17:01

Lol at 46 pic

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 19:11

I was thinking the same thing number one... OP just proved they absolutely do not have a life.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 20:24

lol yea

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 20:50

Are there no outside of the house activities you like to do? Just go hang out in a park or mall. Or go on fb or your phone and start hitting people up to hang out.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 20:55

the bad thing bout it she has no friends on fb she jus stares waiting for a fr or something to happen like chip..... south park lol

OhWowFYLindeed 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 21:57

Stupid Facebook FMLs.. I deny every single one and they still get put on! D:

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 22:33

How can your life be fukced if you have "no life"?

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Thursday 15 July 2010 1:10

Why would you say that?

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Thursday 15 July 2010 5:58

well u ended up on FML so u still don't have a life

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Thursday 15 July 2010 6:36

I don't have a life and I still don't go on face book.

Talez 0

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Thursday 15 July 2010 8:00

lol 88 so true

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Thursday 15 July 2010 19:45

yea 84. this fml sucks! I said "how'd this get past the moderators" and they moderated my comment. I guess they can't take a little criticism. big babies!

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Friday 16 July 2010 1:07

unless OP was only playing games, I would say congratz for having enough friends that actually talk to you on facebook.

theChupacabras 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:15

am I the only one who doesn't have a Facebook? and totally fine with that?

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:21

I had a Facebook.. but I deleted it but damn it was hard to work on the computer, I could of only understood the app on no Droid or on Facebook mobile lol. anyways op don't feel bad, go get some friends and make yourself a great life.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:23

nope...you & I are in the same boat! I thought I was the only one. lol.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:23

I meant on" my" Droid, stupid Droid.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:38

wow you don't have a fb but you go on FML amazing

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:12

Way to be a smart ass. Ya dink.

collegegirl87 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 15:46

I've never had a facebook either and it doesn't bother me!

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 21:13

I could care less about facebook and all other sites like that. I agree with you.

Shaunisaloser 0

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Thursday 15 July 2010 1:36

Obviously not if your on FML... v.v

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Friday 24 June 2011 7:07

na I don't have one am I missing something?

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Wednesday 26 September 2012 20:35

Nope I too am without a Facebook or any social networking site for that matter! Life goes on.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:15

Go Out ... And don't come back without a life Ok ?

Trollz4daLULZ 1

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:19

YDI for using FB.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:38

What #7 said.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:19

Exactly

Trollz4daLULZ 1

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 13:51

Dammit, Freyr and MightyWalrus, if you agree with me, you're taking all the fun out of trolling! Where the hell are all the FB myrmidons? They're supposed to be screaming in its defense by now! "ZOMG, I LUVZ ME SOME FARMVILLE!!"

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 14:52

Facebook isn't that bad but Farmville is a very stupid waste of time.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 15:10

ZOMG I LUVS ME SOME FARMVILLE!!

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 15:47

FUCK YOU TROLLZ!! FB 4 LIFE!!! I do what I can to help.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 16:47

LUVZ*

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 17:16

holy shit lol at 38 in combination with 27, so perfectly lulz inducing

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:22

That's why you have no life.

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:23

You are on Facebook therefore it is assumed you don't have a life anyway. Get over it!

chasin_butterfli 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:24

So how did that work for you?

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:25

i feel your pain the Internet is addicting as heck. I mean look... like #1 said, "Instead you came on FML.". you just can't break free! I don't do the Facebook thing because I see how addicting it is. I just don't have time for that. Only reason I go on FML is because iPhone keeps me entertained while in lines. on bus, etc. At home I try to limit myself to email or military sites like battalionaidstation.com or corpsman.com (I'm a medic in the Navy). As soon as I deviate from that and go to say, thechive.com, I'm in for hours of otherwise wasted time. Find something that works for you. As far as communicating goes... how about a phone call to your REAL friends instead of Facebook updates?

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 14:50

Facebook really isn't that addicting, at least not to me. I spend around 5-10 minutes a day checking mine on my iPod and that's about it. Unless something interesting happens, there's not really much to do. The games aren't that great. Especially Farmville, which everyone seems to like for some reason.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 20:25

thechive.com? BRB :D

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Thursday 15 July 2010 3:17

oh yea, thechive is the best way to spend anything from five to five hundred minutes a day online.

letsgododgers213 0

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:26

you're like my bro. he is on facebook every minute. it gets annoying. anyone has the same problem

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Wednesday 14 July 2010 12:26

umm commen sense.. go out and tlk to ppl face to face and get a life..

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 103

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 37