Animals: Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning...

By Teresa - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Clocked

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 09:00

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By Anonymous

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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By thatgirl247 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By TANT - United States

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

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By Andy - 4/4/2020 23:00

Stoners of the world unite!

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

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By Drizztreri - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was hit with a sudden urge to shit. I knew it was going to be a bad one, so I ran out of the meeting. I made it to the toilet in time, but I forgot to lift the lid. FML

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By ManInTrouble - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

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By maturity - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned companies can legally lie to fire an employee, and unless anything they say is on record, they are legally correct, no matter how unethical the company is. FML

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By BrokeandDesperate - United States

Today, a 65 year old toothless gas station attendant asked me out on a date in exchange for free gas, and I said yes. This is what my unemployment has come to. FML

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By Nose bleed - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get fitted for a new bra since mine weren't fitting properly. To my amazement, I wasn't a 32A, but a 32AA. I might as well have craters on my chest. FML

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By TBTC - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

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By ihncredible - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By rissa5214 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

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By worksucker - United States

Today, 30 minutes before I was supposed to quit work at 6pm, my boss showed up. After telling him how the day went, he asked why I was still there. Apparently, for the holiday, we close early. 4 hours earlier. FML

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By seriously? - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By carolinagirl - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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By jace17 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

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By robbyrabbit - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By erectioninfection - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

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By dentistftw - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By CJune24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

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By youlyingjerk - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

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By scratchy - Israel

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

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By clumsylobster - Australia - Perth

Today, my friends and I went paintballing. The instructor showed us the sound of an unloaded gun by shooting at my face. It wasn't unloaded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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Top comments

By Chunchunchun | 3

#1010152 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:20

I never kick my cat off my bed no matter how uncomfortable it is :)

By lettertjes | 0

#1010218 - Friday 28 May 2010 13:22

You can get a cat out of your bed without kicking it, you know. Just lift it up and put it on the ground. Or lift it up and put it on a more convenient place on your bed. It'll most likely just continue sleeping.

COMMENTS

By heiiress | 0

#1010142 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:14

I don't get it LOL

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#1010170 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:30

Her cat was sleeping on her bed in a place where the OP couldn't position herself arouind it. She didn't want to move the cat because she wanted to prove to her brother that the cat loved her more

WindsweptSky | 5

#1010175 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:33

I see how you are right. I also see how childish this OP is that she had to "prove her LITTLE brother who is in 6th grade wrong". Something wrong a little deeper? I think so.

andruha1123 | 5

#1010176 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:33

your life sound like mine yay!
antiflood is some bf

heiiress | 0

#1010178 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:34

What does being an unemployed college student have to do with it though :P

THeInSpEraTIOn4u | 0

#1010205 - Friday 28 May 2010 13:09

how is this an fml.

jgilez | 0

#1010222 - Friday 28 May 2010 13:28

don't worry the cat loves you mote you have things in common your both pussys. For real you got owned by a 12 year old get ready for a life full of fail.

Giorgio272 | 2

#1010235 - Friday 28 May 2010 13:59

go for some cat spooning. your the big spoon cat is the little one. just remember though beastiality is animal rape.

RosaOnThis | 0

#1010239 - Friday 28 May 2010 14:07

instincts !

eazyeeze | 0

#1010240 - Friday 28 May 2010 14:08

There's a lot of pussy lovers on FML

killthepresident | 0

#1010339 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:43

this is awesome!

ttorigibson | 2

#1010376 - Friday 28 May 2010 17:44

how would your brother even find out?

gutzzzz | 0

#1010415 - Friday 28 May 2010 18:48

maybe if she kicked the cat out, it would go to her brothers room

madarchod | 0

#1010511 - Friday 28 May 2010 21:08

useless people all over in the world

AnRom | 0

#1011154 - Saturday 29 May 2010 11:20

hah, I've so done that before

Sunset_Taco | 0

#1012284 - Sunday 30 May 2010 6:53

what you do is pet the cat until it's awake, then as it's in a state of tired happiness, pick it up and move it. keep petting until it's comfortable, and then stop and sleep.

sheesh. you suck with cats.

MiSTERmAttt | 0

#1306135 - Friday 27 August 2010 3:15

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahhhahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahfuxk you man hahahahahahahhahahahahhaha

528Alice491 | 3

#5030008 - Thursday 11 October 2012 8:32

Oh god, get over it! That can't doesn't give a crap! Are you kidding me?! Cats were freaking made to sleep and be self centered, he's probably just using you're dumb ass for a nice warm bed and he's laughing at you while you toss and turn!!

whatOu | 4

#6009731 - Wednesday 16 July 2014 11:52

That's what I was thinking, do they share a room ? Ahah

By WindsweptSky | 5

#1010145 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:15

I don't really get why you couldn't kick the cat out of the bed. Eh. FYL?

phillyboss25 | 0

#1010265 - Friday 28 May 2010 15:21

these Fml these days are pointless

TaylorDev | 0

#1010287 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:00

They are not even FML's, FML should have regulations that if the post doesn't include some sort of physical violence or physical problem they shouldn't be posted :|

By Gerblat | 0

#1010149 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:16

Kick it out of bed right meow

Jessi_Rose96 | 0

#1010158 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:25

Calm! Don't kill the anti-flood, ok? It's not worth it!!!

jemmmaa | 0

#1010190 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:50

what is anti flood?

jplumbob | 4

#1010195 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:54

make two or more posts within a minute and you will have your answer.

jemmmaa | 0

#1010197 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:57

ohh, that explains it. thanks :)

By Chunchunchun | 3

#1010152 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:20

I never kick my cat off my bed no matter how uncomfortable it is :)

By thensome | 1

#1010153 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:21

Are you in kindergarten or college? Kick the cat out of the bed.

By hahism | 0

#1010155 - Friday 28 May 2010 12:23

WHAT THE FISH??? what is being an unemployed college student got to do with kicking your cat out of bed??? this does not make sense on so many levels...