Miscellaneous: Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking...

By Stella - 20/12/2009 03:30 - Canada

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 141

You deserved it 28 357

Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

Psycho

Premeditated

They're still books, technically

By breakmyfall - 15/11/2020 02:02

Today my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she, "only read good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Grey and the Twilight Saga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 76

By Sir Anon - 29/02/2016 20:18 - United States - Champlin

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 448

You deserved it 2 168

By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 826

You deserved it 12 035

By Pissed - 20/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 281

You deserved it 2 927

By Noname - 10/03/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methanphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58 year old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 198

You deserved it 3 419

By ouch - 12/12/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I finally finished vacuuming my downstairs. Instead of finding the wall outlet and unplugging the vacuum, I triumphantly tugged the cord from across the room to release the plug from the wall. It flew at me at top speed and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 920

You deserved it 41 851

By tampondealer - 09/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 069

You deserved it 2 776

By inosehowthatgotthere - 10/02/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 336

You deserved it 52 488

Power in Christ

By Sinnersinner - 21/09/2014 11:27 - United States - Ontario

Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 833

You deserved it 7 568

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 20:35 - United States - New Iberia

Today, I puked up an anti-nausea pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 181

You deserved it 4 879

By Anonymous - 21/01/2011 09:25 - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 147

You deserved it 6 060

By SmileAndSayHi - 01/06/2016 19:23 - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 502

You deserved it 650

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 14/01/2022 23:01

Today, just like every morning, I had to make myself throw up all the acid in my stomach just to make room for a little bit of food. No doctor can fix my problem, and my family still thinks I’m doing it to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 895

You deserved it 75

By sadness - 29/11/2010 18:58 - South Africa

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 517

You deserved it 4 012

By Allycat - 09/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 083

You deserved it 5 095

By DantesInfernalRage - 12/09/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 852

You deserved it 236

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 17:57 - Germany

Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 054

You deserved it 28 099

By lukas - 11/01/2014 00:24 - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 803

You deserved it 8 439

By WickedLittleDoll - 01/12/2014 16:38 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 600

You deserved it 8 842

By HeShe - 06/09/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 232

You deserved it 3 928

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 291

You deserved it 7 418

Lonesome wheels

By Anonymous - 28/10/2021 11:00

Today, while talking to my parents about my car, my dad said, "Don't put a lot of money into it because we will give you ours when we move." I asked why, and my mom responded, "Well, we helped your sister with her wedding, so this is going to be your wedding gift." I'm getting a car out of pity for not having a wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 818

You deserved it 128

Now hireable

By Anonymous - 03/01/2022 19:59

Today, I rage-quit my job because my manager put me in a situation between putting my kids or my career first. I obviously chose my kids, but I’m now an unemployed single mom of two in the middle of a pandemic, with no one hiring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 346

By Anonymous - 06/12/2014 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 389

You deserved it 9 016

By keiran123 - 27/06/2013 23:15 - United States - Welsh

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering pizzas, I got bit by a guy dressed as Dracula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 240

You deserved it 3 317

By S4L - 02/07/2009 04:13 - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 741

You deserved it 23 349

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 726

You deserved it 7 089

By nj - 10/02/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 076

You deserved it 3 015

By Anonymous - 14/09/2010 02:56 - United States

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 746

You deserved it 4 657

Stir crazy, part 16

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 05:00

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 108

You deserved it 456

By Anonymous - 30/05/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, my second roommate in less then a week got a DUI. Both roommates are demanding that I drive them around for free until they get their licenses back, or else they won't have the funds to pay their rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 908

You deserved it 3 666

By nerdwithagun - 24/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, my dad had a go at me because he thought I was embarrassed by him and that was why I never invited any of my friends over. I was too embarrassed to tell him it's actually because I don't have any friends to invite over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 3 803

By sadpoorlady - 22/06/2013 09:22 - United Kingdom - Appley Bridge

Today, my boyfriend used the "this isn't working, we need to talk" line on me. How nice of him to wait this long to do so, just days after we returned from the expensive Caribbean holiday that I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 789

You deserved it 4 987

By Eve - 25/08/2017 13:00

Today, I learned that there's a billboard-sized photo of me and my ex hanging in the airport advertising my college. Travelers from all over the world have now seen me smiling at graduation with the guy who cheated on me after 3 years together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 724

You deserved it 308

By First World Problems - 08/01/2016 14:34 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 393

You deserved it 1 756

His house, his rules?

By kikajsns - 29/04/2021 07:59

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 81

By helpfulmom - 26/07/2009 18:39 - Canada

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 990

You deserved it 6 748

Egg mode

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 05:00

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 301

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 844

You deserved it 10 558

By FML - 08/11/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 316

You deserved it 2 384

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Top comments

Rebecca1993 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:12

Aw.. I chipped a tooth once. My brother threw a scooter at my face...

Sfugius 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:03

learn to invest in beer bottle openers.

armandoX113 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:02

that's sad.

borabora1991 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:12

Is this two FMLs in one? Nice job, OP! and sorry about your tooth.

kxxjoejoexxk 8

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Thursday 1 November 2012 22:57

Dont say first unless its a dumb fml

DippinGrizzly907 27

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Monday 3 March 2014 3:17

What an elegant waste of first comment... *sigh* They're usually the best ones :(

Sfugius 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:03

learn to invest in beer bottle openers.

Rebecca1993 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:12

Aw.. I chipped a tooth once. My brother threw a scooter at my face...

JustAReaderOfFml 4

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:49

lolllllll is he hot??? :P srsly if he is tho then YDI ^_^

Rebecca1993 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:56

My brother? He's very un-hot. I didn't deserve it.. He threw the scooter at me cause I was mad when he messed something of mine up :(

sleephunters 8

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Sunday 20 December 2009 18:30

Wow, I hope your brother is younger then you.

Rebecca1993 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 19:58

Mm.. he's actually older by 15 months.

blland 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 9:52

same, but i guess it's nothing to be proud of

8trickster8 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 10:05

I wish I had a basement.

musicislife1995_fml 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 10:22

you don't get out much, do you?

jamie_leeann23 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 11:09

hahahha, you need a hug.

shockcrow 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 11:29

wish i had that time alone.

me5 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 11:39

I chipped two teeth trying to crack a hard-shelled nut. I'd like to have a basement too.

Anteezy 7

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Sunday 20 December 2009 12:25

That's why I drink my beer out of a can when I get drunk alone.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 9

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 995

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 1 151

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