Miscellaneous: Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was... - FML

By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Out of it

By robincakes94 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By TractorUWG - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By Niles - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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By double trouble

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By andy - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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By parkertownparadise - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML

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By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

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By StillBetterThanTwilight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

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By a man - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By TheHarvardian - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By hitandrun - United States

Today, I hit a parked car and fled because I was so scared. Four hours later, the cops showed up at my house so I broke down crying confessing everything. Turns out, they weren't there about the car I hit. They were alerting me about the string of burglaries in my neighborhood recently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

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By iPhonekid - United States - San Antonio

Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML

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By kprice6 - United States

Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML

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By Rabite - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By Kim422 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

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By Ramb0 - United Kingdom - Christchurch

By singing

Today, I was headbanging so hard to a song in the shower that I hit my head on the wall and got a concussion. I'm now in hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was installing the official 3.0 firmware update for my iPhone. Apple's authentication servers crashed. I now own an iBrick. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 05:00 - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By Meagan smith - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

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By itachi desu

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By VCDUDE11FTW - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I finally got to meet the new Director of my department. She was my intern eight years ago, the one I declined to recommend for a full time position due to interpersonal conflicts. She knows. FML

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By Anonymous

A like is a like, dude

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By fuckmyplums - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

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By Yikes - United States - Cumberland

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

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By left-out - United States

Today, my sister posted on her Facebook that she hates moving because of all of the packing that she and my family have to do. I didn't even know we're moving. FML

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By jzappe - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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By nonymous human subject - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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Top comments

By emi_alejandra | 23

#6586193 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

More like fhl tbh

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586205 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Oh boy! He must hate you with a burning passion right now.

COMMENTS

By Zarcissa | 34

#6586192 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

A waste of good pie. Why can't you just eat it up?

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6586586 - Saturday 23 April 2016 5:07

Even though this is being thumbed down, I agree. I always heard of people using whipped cream or shaving cream in pie tins for throwing into people's faces, not ACTUAL pie. It's just a waste of a good pie and more difficult to clean off of shit.

Reply

Beeboopbeep | 9

#6587058 - Saturday 23 April 2016 23:34

You can still eat it

Reply

tin_cup | 27

#6589376 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 17:21

I love pie!!!!

By emi_alejandra | 23

#6586193 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

More like fhl tbh

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6586296 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:50

Until coffee became more popular, beer was the common beverage of choice for breakfast in most of the U.S.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6586313 - Friday 22 April 2016 19:19

What?

Reply

emi_alejandra | 23

#6586353 - Friday 22 April 2016 20:03

I'm not quite sure what you meant by that

Reply

CrassKal | 27

#6586404 - Friday 22 April 2016 21:13

33 - yes because the distilling process killing most bacteria making it safe to consume. Same with coffee and tea that require boiling water. But I don't see what context that info has here?

By lexos | 16

#6586194 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

Why would you do that?

By _aPerson_ | 14

#6586195 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:40

YDI. That's such a lame thing to do.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6586587 - Saturday 23 April 2016 5:08

That's true. Also, how old are you OP? There's an age where this shit isn't funny anymore. If you're older than 13, you should stop doing shit like this. It's more likely to piss someone off than to make them laugh.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6586197 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:40

Oh, wow, that poor guy! I really hope this won't leave scars. Burn scars are the ones that heal ugliest, and in the middle of the face that is really bad. Way to ruin his birthday, OP!

By JustThatPerson | 21

#6586202 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:42

They were drunk, right? Were you the only one sober? WHY DID YOU LISTEN, AND DO IT TOO!??

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6586204 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:43

"While /everyone/ was wasted"

Reply

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6586272 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:01

You sound like my wife when she's in a good mood.

By c0ffeeb3an | 15

#6586203 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:42

You burn your friend's face badly and you think YOUR life sucks?

Reply

Myeyesbleed | 15

#6586211 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:46

right?

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586205 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Oh boy! He must hate you with a burning passion right now.

Reply

brittanywashere | 14

#6586988 - Saturday 23 April 2016 21:01

I see what you did there!

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6586208 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Was it a peach pie? If so it wasn't worth it either way.

By thesmeagol | 22

#6586212 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:47

Who serves a pie that hot to begin with? on the other hand no one likes a dick so ydi buckaroo.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586226 - Friday 22 April 2016 17:01

Most likely the pie was chillin' because it was just baked at 420 for about 40-50 minutes, only moments before OP decided to pie their friend.

Reply

thesmeagol | 22

#6586232 - Friday 22 April 2016 17:10

You let a pie cool before serving. Not out of the oven and dish it out.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586270 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:01

My previous reply addresses both your comments. The pie was resting to cool down and OP took it before it had enough time to cool down from the 40-50 minute 420 hotbox.