Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was... - FML

By UnluckyLatina - 22/4/2016 03:30 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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Does it taste good?

Long story short

Yappy neighborhood

By turdtonomor9 - 12/5/2013 14:08 - United States

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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By RiceSickle - 1/8/2014 02:50 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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By ol faithful - 3/9/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By Jakesssss - 10/4/2015 01:02 - United States - Hudson

Today, I showed a kid how to knock somebody out for self defense. He then knocked me unconscious with the same method I'd just showed him. FML

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By humbug - 13/5/2012 13:08 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

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By pocahontas - 26/10/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By blondie875 - 26/5/2018 14:30 - United States

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

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By Tallow101 - 23/7/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By markderanjer - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

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By crop circle galore - 6/9/2014 02:36 - United States

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

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By neveragain - 12/2/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By stupid voicemails - 28/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2016 16:19 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, my teacher marked a test question wrong, even though I was sure I got it right, so I went online to check. I found a government-approved website showing proof that my answer was correct. My teacher still counted it wrong, because, "we follow the book". That book's older than I am. FML

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By FBI1236 - 7/7/2019 20:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I finally stood up for myself and beat the crap out of a bully at school, as my father told me to do. The kid and I were called to the principal's office, along with our parents. Inside my father's smirk faded when he saw that the kid's mom was his boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

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By notacaveman - 16/4/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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By WearingSomethingStringy - 10/4/2013 00:02 - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - 6/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 01:23 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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By manderz? - 3/8/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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By xattackattackx - 18/11/2011 09:01 - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By Melissa Barrios - 15/7/2019 16:00

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By teejayrn - 18/12/2012 10:03

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By BoohooBouquet - 19/3/2017 14:00

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML

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By jaxattax - 20/10/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

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By Killme - 13/7/2016 02:10

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 05:52 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was leaning over a fence in a pasture to get a closer look at something. Nobody warned my nuts that it was an electric fence. FML

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By brokenrainbow. - 31/12/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally discovered the reason my front room smelt funny. My dog, thinking the Christmas tree was real, has been peeing on it for the past two weeks. FML

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By jentown11 - 28/9/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

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By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

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By vitalcheese - 20/5/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner... Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

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By touristtraphotel - 11/8/2016 18:58 - Puerto Rico

Today, my former boss is threatening to keep my last paycheck until I return a skateboard that a guest forgot at the hotel about a month ago. She was the one who gave me the order to put it in the trash. FML

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Top comments

By emi_alejandra | 23

#6586193 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

More like fhl tbh

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586205 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Oh boy! He must hate you with a burning passion right now.

COMMENTS

By Zarcissa | 34

#6586192 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

A waste of good pie. Why can't you just eat it up?

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6586586 - Saturday 23 April 2016 5:07

Even though this is being thumbed down, I agree. I always heard of people using whipped cream or shaving cream in pie tins for throwing into people's faces, not ACTUAL pie. It's just a waste of a good pie and more difficult to clean off of shit.

Reply

Beeboopbeep | 9

#6587058 - Saturday 23 April 2016 23:34

You can still eat it

Reply

tin_cup | 27

#6589376 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 17:21

I love pie!!!!

By emi_alejandra | 23

#6586193 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

More like fhl tbh

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#6586296 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:50

Until coffee became more popular, beer was the common beverage of choice for breakfast in most of the U.S.

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6586313 - Friday 22 April 2016 19:19

What?

Reply

emi_alejandra | 23

#6586353 - Friday 22 April 2016 20:03

I'm not quite sure what you meant by that

Reply

CrassKal | 27

#6586404 - Friday 22 April 2016 21:13

33 - yes because the distilling process killing most bacteria making it safe to consume. Same with coffee and tea that require boiling water. But I don't see what context that info has here?

By lexos | 16

#6586194 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:39

Why would you do that?

By _aPerson_ | 14

#6586195 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:40

YDI. That's such a lame thing to do.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6586587 - Saturday 23 April 2016 5:08

That's true. Also, how old are you OP? There's an age where this shit isn't funny anymore. If you're older than 13, you should stop doing shit like this. It's more likely to piss someone off than to make them laugh.

By sturschaedel | 27

#6586197 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:40

Oh, wow, that poor guy! I really hope this won't leave scars. Burn scars are the ones that heal ugliest, and in the middle of the face that is really bad. Way to ruin his birthday, OP!

By JustThatPerson | 21

#6586202 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:42

They were drunk, right? Were you the only one sober? WHY DID YOU LISTEN, AND DO IT TOO!??

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6586204 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:43

"While /everyone/ was wasted"

Reply

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#6586272 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:01

You sound like my wife when she's in a good mood.

By c0ffeeb3an | 15

#6586203 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:42

You burn your friend's face badly and you think YOUR life sucks?

Reply

Myeyesbleed | 15

#6586211 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:46

right?

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586205 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Oh boy! He must hate you with a burning passion right now.

Reply

brittanywashere | 14

#6586988 - Saturday 23 April 2016 21:01

I see what you did there!

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6586208 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:44

Was it a peach pie? If so it wasn't worth it either way.

By thesmeagol | 22

#6586212 - Friday 22 April 2016 16:47

Who serves a pie that hot to begin with? on the other hand no one likes a dick so ydi buckaroo.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586226 - Friday 22 April 2016 17:01

Most likely the pie was chillin' because it was just baked at 420 for about 40-50 minutes, only moments before OP decided to pie their friend.

Reply

thesmeagol | 22

#6586232 - Friday 22 April 2016 17:10

You let a pie cool before serving. Not out of the oven and dish it out.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6586270 - Friday 22 April 2016 18:01

My previous reply addresses both your comments. The pie was resting to cool down and OP took it before it had enough time to cool down from the 40-50 minute 420 hotbox.