Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As...

By Mr. Headshot - 25/4/2011 05:01

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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Miscellaneous

This is us

Great boyfriend

Goodbye Bill

By tara22 - 27/4/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to throw me against the wall and kiss me like they do in the movies. Being all aggressive and smooth, he grabs my shirt and pushes me. He pushed a little too hard and my head was thrown back into the wall. I was knocked out for ten minutes. FML

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By EmbarrassedBather - 9/6/2019 00:00

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2013 16:04 - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2015 03:55 - United States - Portland

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

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By hickey - 5/2/2010 10:35 - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

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By MissQ - 20/6/2020 17:01

That's a great look!

Today, I was trying to learn how to whistle. On the elevator ride up to my room, I was experimenting with tongue placement and mouth position. At the height of my facial contortions and probable spitting, the elevator doors opened to reveal the guy I've been crushing. FML

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By inchetogb - 15/1/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By Tanner_6969 - 11/5/2019 04:00

Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 22:00

House rules

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

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By laner - 26/7/2019 12:00

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By fishtacos - 1/12/2014 03:32 - United States - Fontana

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

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By Pantsontheground - 9/8/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

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By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By so scared - 8/2/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By shocked - 25/8/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML

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By ConfusedGirl - 15/12/2015 13:03 - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2016 15:29 - Australia - Hove

Today, my mum had no legitimate reason to have her daily yell at me, so she resorted to bitching me out for putting her phone on charge after it started beeping with a low battery warning. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By hotboxed - 13/7/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

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By :-( - 17/7/2013 05:22 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I finally convinced my mum to take me to a psychologist. As soon as he sat me down and asked me how I was doing, my mum burst into tears and went on a rant about how her life is terrible and she regrets everything. I was asked to sit in the waiting room. She used up my whole hour. FML

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By scherzo - 9/4/2018 08:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

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By Luke - 5/8/2010 17:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

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By kittybad - 23/6/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 15:00 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By helosthisshit - 1/11/2014 14:26 - United Kingdom - Linlithgow

Today, I went to a Halloween party with people from work. As the night passed, my boss got hammered and started throwing food at people. It was fun and games until I accidentally spilled his 10th beer. His response? To slam a hollowed out pumpkin full of chocolate mousse over my head. FML

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By permanently scarred - 25/8/2018 15:00

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

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By Sunshinenwhiskey - 5/5/2016 15:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out why my sister hasn't been answering my texts or phone calls. Her husband blocked my number on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 04:38 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2017 17:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By that girl - 8/4/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

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By lookslikeaboyapparently - 19/10/2010 21:23 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML

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By lemonadedisguise - 18/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By wtfseriously - 9/5/2011 17:22 - United States

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

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Top comments

By Livinia | 11

#2402125 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

Your friend is an idiot.

By Olovio | 5

#2402133 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:08

Steal all of your friends socks. Have you ever walked around with no socks on? It's awful, just awful.

Comments

By Riemurasia | 0

#2402106 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:04

Ouch, poor you! But you seem to be fine if you're posting it on here now :)

Shootamonkey3 | 0

#2402214 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:25

Like the OP would seriously come back to check the comments made :P

Riemurasia | 0

#2402233 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:30

Hehe, probably not :P

Katie_the_Great | 6

#2402285 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:59

They do sometimes.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2402605 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:39

"Quit horseing around before someone pokes an eye out!"
"....too late" x.O

toastyjustice | 5

#2402609 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:39

THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!

imlagginglol | 0

#2402650 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:54

Your life is a lie!

jamjelly386 | 5

#2402666 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:58

or OP now has an eye patch

Insane_Tea | 15

#2402812 - Monday 25 April 2011 15:49

OP My Birthday was yesterday. In fact it was my Sweet 16. You know what I got? Nothing. In fact a tornadoe tore through Missouri and demolished my home. I also can't find my dog either.

Cjeezy | 0

#2403315 - Monday 25 April 2011 17:11

yea people on fml definitely give a shit about your birthday and what you didn't get.

ROFLSinURfaceNOO | 0

#2403411 - Monday 25 April 2011 17:29

ur a stupud slut i hope you die

qasimahsan93 | 4

#2403471 - Monday 25 April 2011 17:43

This isn't about you, nor is it a place for you to get sympathy. Post an FML about it or something, don't hijack this one. Also, hope you find your dog.

ROFLSinURfaceNOO | 0

#2403499 - Monday 25 April 2011 17:50

shut ur mouth u stupid mongrel haha

Shootamonkey3 | 0

#2404021 - Monday 25 April 2011 19:33

61 - LOL I JUST GOT THAT!

jamieeeee | 0

#2404285 - Monday 25 April 2011 20:42

looks like you got the shaft...

tellithowitis | 13

#2404597 - Monday 25 April 2011 22:29

your friend is AWESOME!!!!

ceinaworus | 0

#2406044 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:32

ppp

ceinaworus | 0

#2406053 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:34

oops. sorry about that. I was button mashing when I though my iPod was locked.

toastyjustice | 5

#2406170 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:53

103 sadly only a small few of us understand the joke. Any who, Portal 1 & 2 FTW!

toastyjustice | 5

#2406196 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:55

123 how can you be button mashing on an iPod? O.o

FriskyCoconut | 0

#2407115 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 4:30

I feel stupid, I don't get it, would you mind explaining? :)

OwN3d3d | 0

#2407800 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 6:19

win

YOUNGMONEY4E | 0

#2411262 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 21:01

loll yeahh ikrr!!! she shouldnt be complaining if shes fine enough to rite an fml

maniaccy | 8

#5576185 - Friday 12 July 2013 4:09

Please. My eyes were too almost poked out with your grammar. Shouldn't** Write**

By raeraymusic1 | 0

#2402121 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:06

haha

IceCweaaam | 0

#2402529 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:07

you just had to say anything short to be first didn't u .___. sigh...

juliahockey | 0

#2402696 - Monday 25 April 2011 15:04

but he wasn't first..... what are you talking about?

oliveindamiddle | 0

#2402785 - Monday 25 April 2011 15:40

so incredibly unnecessary

By Livinia | 11

#2402125 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

Your friend is an idiot.

iwubbtitties_fml | 0

#2402186 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:18

Ur hot

callofduty4life | 0

#2402302 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:04

3 is obviously a man posing as a woman. all the "women" on this site are really men.

iLazy | 0

#2402332 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:16

Lol 29 either that or it is a female posing as a model or something to that extent. Seen it happen before

CitrusGirl | 0

#2402342 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:21

Actually, every female is actually a male predator.

Livinia | 11

#2402347 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:22

29 & 31 - I am neither of those things. I'm just me, and yes, that is my picture.

cowsgomooatyou | 8

#2402354 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:24

Take it as a very indirect way of saynig that your pretty. :)

Livinia | 11

#2402369 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:25

Haha, alright then.

iLazy | 0

#2402383 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:28

Can't blame a person for being so cynical since it was like a trend =/

Well then I must say you have a beautiful smile.

callofduty4life | 0

#2402389 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:30

australians are hot.

Livinia | 11

#2402411 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:36

39 - Thank you :)
40 - Yes they are :) haha.

DocBastard | 38

#2402472 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:54

Edit: all the trolling vanished so my comment is moot.

Fuck.

callofduty4life | 0

#2402475 - Monday 25 April 2011 13:55

Shit, time to fly to Australia.

kallima_fml | 3

#2402756 - Monday 25 April 2011 15:24

I second this!

jacetopia96 | 1

#2405211 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 0:01

Fatality. Cake Wins. Flawless Victory.

Sonofa_Snitch | 0

#2405523 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 0:59

you tried to post 10 stories and out of those ten zero were picked?!?!?! ahahahahahhahaahahahhaha!!

Mauskau | 35

#2406387 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 2:30

Stay off of mine then :p

wazupwolf | 5

#2409327 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 13:36

lol epic mortal combat win

YOUNGMONEY4E | 0

#2411266 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 21:03

you posted 18 and got 0 approved!! epi

By ceinaworus | 0

#2402128 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

At least she never put a hunting knife in the cake! ; )

redbluegreen | 40

#2402138 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:09

Or a bomb. That would be messy.

ceinaworus | 0

#2402153 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:12

I think the worst thing someone could find in a cake would be chucky...

nothingtodisplay | 7

#2402572 - Monday 25 April 2011 14:21

that sounds like it would be fun! putting a hunting knife in a cake... yummy and painful xD

oliveindamiddle | 0

#2402803 - Monday 25 April 2011 15:45

yea what a relief.......

By Doortje | 28

#2402130 - Monday 25 April 2011 12:08

Ouch, that sounds really painful. But look on the bright side, you weren't going to eat that cake anymore anyway, so it's not like the blood that gushed down your face ruined it.