Miscellaneous: Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As...

By Mr. Headshot - 25/04/2011 05:01

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 610

You deserved it 3 509

Miscellaneous

Age difference

Walk out

One man and his lawn

By dumped - 27/10/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 732

You deserved it 2 775

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 575

You deserved it 7 303

By thenewone - 19/11/2009 20:09 - Brazil

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 712

You deserved it 2 192

By Username - 12/09/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 947

You deserved it 6 489

By everfresh - 26/01/2011 10:38 - Finland

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 118

You deserved it 3 805

By x_o - 04/08/2013 20:51 - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 181

You deserved it 3 846

By me - 14/06/2014 15:28 - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 853

You deserved it 4 629

By ok then - 31/10/2016 15:55

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 710

You deserved it 676

By Anon - 22/04/2013 07:19 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 198

You deserved it 126 061

By Anonymous - 04/01/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 343

You deserved it 1 887

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 893

You deserved it 315

By Sally - 26/01/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 150

You deserved it 5 325

By ouch. - 10/12/2018 09:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 664

You deserved it 329

By Anonymous - 16/08/2014 04:30 - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 183

You deserved it 5 217

Good morning!

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 09:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 756

You deserved it 176

Look at that

By That escalated quickly - 24/06/2015 19:45 - United States - Ocean City

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 421

You deserved it 4 248

By Tank - 16/07/2016 23:14 - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together, I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 541

You deserved it 751

By YoshiSqu4d - 03/07/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 529

You deserved it 95

By ninnang - 09/07/2014 21:37 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 977

You deserved it 3 494

By larsn - 03/06/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 864

You deserved it 20 067

By stupidrobot - 03/09/2015 20:14 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to complete a simple math problem to submit a web form in order to show that I wasn't a spam robot. I got it wrong. I'm officially too bad at arithmetic to prove I'm human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 321

You deserved it 8 296

By TT - 19/04/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 608

You deserved it 2 580

By asdfBUTT - 06/03/2012 01:36 - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 460

You deserved it 32 085

By Anonymous - 15/05/2012 04:07 - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 385

You deserved it 4 840

By Tyler_Padgett - 24/05/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 946

You deserved it 58 986

Poor Mickey

By oh, good - 15/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 537

You deserved it 223

By Anonymous - 19/01/2010 09:34 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 320

You deserved it 3 023

By Alyssa Charlotte - 29/07/2011 02:25 - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 223

You deserved it 3 027

By dog_day - 19/12/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 326

You deserved it 2 687

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 253

You deserved it 308

By TheFriskyBadger - 12/07/2016 23:57

Today, a customer complained that her salad had "too much lettuce." Her bowl was less than half-filled with lettuce and the rest was cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 206

You deserved it 761

By Anonymous - 20/03/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 969

You deserved it 6 475

What goes up…

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 17:02

Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn’t stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she’s probably never going to speak to us again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 090

You deserved it 294

By scared - 02/10/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I went on a date at a restaurant with a guy. When he promised I wouldn't have to pay the bill, I didn't think he meant we'd be dining and dashing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 329

You deserved it 3 413

By brebis - 18/11/2008 10:37 - France

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 302

You deserved it 70 977

By anonymous - 21/06/2010 12:21 - France

Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 125

You deserved it 6 058

By bad son - 14/06/2012 17:42 - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 115

You deserved it 29 605

By woopwoop - 18/04/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that myself and the woman in front of me were wearing the same shirt. As she was about to leave, I said to her "Hey! I'm wearing that shirt!" She turned to me and replied, "Not in THIS size you aren't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 117

You deserved it 10 843

By sad_unicorn - 31/07/2016 04:51

Today, my mother in law likes to baby my partner. Gets him drinks, kisses him on the forehead, talks to him like he's 8, does everything for him. And she gives me death stares, especially when she hugs him when I'm around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 633

You deserved it 1 218

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 092

You deserved it 3 884

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Top comments

Livinia 11

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

Your friend is an idiot.

Olovio 5

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:08

Steal all of your friends socks. Have you ever walked around with no socks on? It's awful, just awful.

Riemurasia 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:04

Ouch, poor you! But you seem to be fine if you're posting it on here now :)

Shootamonkey3 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:25

Like the OP would seriously come back to check the comments made :P

Riemurasia 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:30

Hehe, probably not :P

Katie_the_Great 6

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:59

They do sometimes.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:39

"Quit horseing around before someone pokes an eye out!" "....too late" x.O

toastyjustice 5

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:39

THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!

imlagginglol 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:54

Your life is a lie!

jamjelly386 5

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:58

or OP now has an eye patch

Insane_Tea 15

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Monday 25 April 2011 15:49

OP My Birthday was yesterday. In fact it was my Sweet 16. You know what I got? Nothing. In fact a tornadoe tore through Missouri and demolished my home. I also can't find my dog either.

Cjeezy 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 17:11

yea people on fml definitely give a shit about your birthday and what you didn't get.

ROFLSinURfaceNOO 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 17:29

ur a stupud slut i hope you die

qasimahsan93 4

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Monday 25 April 2011 17:43

This isn't about you, nor is it a place for you to get sympathy. Post an FML about it or something, don't hijack this one. Also, hope you find your dog.

ROFLSinURfaceNOO 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 17:50

shut ur mouth u stupid mongrel haha

Shootamonkey3 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 19:33

61 - LOL I JUST GOT THAT!

jamieeeee 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 20:42

looks like you got the shaft...

tellithowitis 13

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Monday 25 April 2011 22:29

your friend is AWESOME!!!!

ceinaworus 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:32

ppp

ceinaworus 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:34

oops. sorry about that. I was button mashing when I though my iPod was locked.

toastyjustice 5

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:53

103 sadly only a small few of us understand the joke. Any who, Portal 1 & 2 FTW!

toastyjustice 5

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 1:55

123 how can you be button mashing on an iPod? O.o

FriskyCoconut 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 4:30

I feel stupid, I don't get it, would you mind explaining? :)

OwN3d3d 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 6:19

win

YOUNGMONEY4E 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 21:01

loll yeahh ikrr!!! she shouldnt be complaining if shes fine enough to rite an fml

maniaccy 8

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Friday 12 July 2013 4:09

Please. My eyes were too almost poked out with your grammar. Shouldn't** Write**

raeraymusic1 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:06

haha

IceCweaaam 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:07

you just had to say anything short to be first didn't u .___. sigh...

juliahockey 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 15:04

but he wasn't first..... what are you talking about?

oliveindamiddle 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 15:40

so incredibly unnecessary

Livinia 11

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

Your friend is an idiot.

iwubbtitties_fml 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:18

Ur hot

callofduty4life 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:04

3 is obviously a man posing as a woman. all the "women" on this site are really men.

iLazy 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:16

Lol 29 either that or it is a female posing as a model or something to that extent. Seen it happen before

CitrusGirl 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:21

Actually, every female is actually a male predator.

Livinia 11

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:22

29 & 31 - I am neither of those things. I'm just me, and yes, that is my picture.

cowsgomooatyou 8

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:24

Take it as a very indirect way of saynig that your pretty. :)

Livinia 11

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:25

Haha, alright then.

iLazy 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:28

Can't blame a person for being so cynical since it was like a trend =/ Well then I must say you have a beautiful smile.

callofduty4life 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:30

australians are hot.

Livinia 11

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:36

39 - Thank you :) 40 - Yes they are :) haha.

DocBastard 38

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:54

Edit: all the trolling vanished so my comment is moot. Fuck.

callofduty4life 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 13:55

Shit, time to fly to Australia.

kallima_fml 3

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Monday 25 April 2011 15:24

I second this!

jacetopia96 1

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 0:01

Fatality. Cake Wins. Flawless Victory.

Sonofa_Snitch 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 0:59

you tried to post 10 stories and out of those ten zero were picked?!?!?! ahahahahahhahaahahahhaha!!

Mauskau 35

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 2:30

Stay off of mine then :p

wazupwolf 5

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 13:36

lol epic mortal combat win

YOUNGMONEY4E 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 21:03

you posted 18 and got 0 approved!! epi

ceinaworus 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:07

At least she never put a hunting knife in the cake! ; )

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:09

Or a bomb. That would be messy.

ceinaworus 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:12

I think the worst thing someone could find in a cake would be chucky...

nothingtodisplay 7

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Monday 25 April 2011 14:21

that sounds like it would be fun! putting a hunting knife in a cake... yummy and painful xD

oliveindamiddle 0

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Monday 25 April 2011 15:45

yea what a relief.......

Doortje 29

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Monday 25 April 2011 12:08

Ouch, that sounds really painful. But look on the bright side, you weren't going to eat that cake anymore anyway, so it's not like the blood that gushed down your face ruined it.