Animals: Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When... - FML

By Catois - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Taking stock

There's no helping some people

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Truro

Today, I had a conversation with a girl I don't normally talk to. She ended up saying I'm "not as annoying as everyone says." and "Oh... you didn't know?" FML

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By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

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By dicksonthebrain - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, a customer ordered a caramel latte with no caramel. I made a regular latte after explaining that’s what it was. He got angry and threw it at me. I got fired for insulting his intelligence. FML

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By ihatedogs - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By GillyPirate - United States

Today, I received a call offering me a job with the census bureau. I applied for this job 6 months ago while I was still fighting tooth and nail to stay where I was. Since I didn't get the job, I was evicted from my apartment, got on public assistance, and moved from North Carolina to Florida with my mother. FML

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By backwardsinlife - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Soon2beexhr

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

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By nil mil

Crazy ex's girlfriend

Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By Anonymous

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

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By shiftybizniss - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

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By Mustang - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By carwife - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

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By oicwydt - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML

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By Joplin - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By mandy - United States

Selected

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, when suddenly at the end of dinner he gets down on one knee, takes out an engagement ring, and says, "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By Eagle - United States

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

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By holla1787 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By Maju - Netherlands

Dumb, but relatable

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2021 02:01

Intervention

Today, my sister got in a screaming argument with my girlfriend, who then dumped me. My whole family started celebrating. Apparently, they staged the argument to get rid of her because no one liked her, and I should be grateful they did me such a big favor. FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By too proud to beg - 23/9/2020 02:02

Basic Instinct

Today, I told my husband that it makes me feel unattractive and undesirable that I’m the only one to ever initiate intimacy. Not just sex, but also basic affection like hugging and kissing. His response? "Oh." FML

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By

Fancy Hobo

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

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By nV1ous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By offtothejobcentre - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

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By justgreat - United States - Opa Locka

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

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By ilovepancakes - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Adrian

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

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By Moimoi78 - Australia - Eatons Hill

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By mutantprincess - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

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Top comments

By lookatstupid | 0

#916607 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:09

Hurry, before it starts to smell....

By Anonnamus | 0

#916619 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

Two shitty FMLs in a row? Nice.

COMMENTS

By lookatstupid | 0

#916607 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:09

Hurry, before it starts to smell....

Reply

trizzieb | 0

#917100 - Friday 5 March 2010 18:17

OP, YDI for owning a dog while living in Catois.

By ktbird | 0

#916609 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:10

Sorry OP, I've been there done that, and it's not fun.

Reply

daltonmarth | 4

#916620 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

sucks to be you.

Reply

ktbird | 0

#916635 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:16

The trailing poop isn't the worst. The explosive diarrhea in a cage is the worst. I have helped clean cages literally lined floor to ceiling with shat. None on carpet at least... yet.

By Anonnamus | 0

#916619 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

Two shitty FMLs in a row? Nice.

By pandorasnymph | 0

#916622 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:13

eeew.. go after the smell, watch ur step and thank god he didn t have diarrhea

Reply

assgas | 0

#3667064 - Thursday 1 December 2011 1:25

Can u shit up?!

By purpPie | 0

#916626 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:14

rolf nice fail

By fuckelijahslife | 0

#916633 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:15

:D haha, lollllllll!
I wanna see the dogs reaction when you screamed!

By ktbird | 0

#916640 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:17

moonfire isn't necessarily wrong. Yell at them if you catch them before, otherwise yelling when they finish should have the same effect. Don't wait too long after though or they won't understand what they're being punished for.

By toast2218 | 0

#916645 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:18

all you're fault

By alexomAnexo | 0

#916648 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:19

Train the Bitch!

By XR6Falcon | 0

#916650 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:20

just like hunting Easter eggs hey........