Animals: Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When... - FML

By Catois - United States

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don't have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

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By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By dumbdad - United States

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

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By xBubbles38 - United States

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I put a magnet on my brand new car. I got rear-ended by someone who was trying to read it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

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By sadguyme - United States - Turlock

Today, on the first cold night of autumn, I realized I need a girlfriend because the only way I can stay warm is if I spoon with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I saw my dad pick his teeth with a toothpick from a new box. He ate the food he got out of his teeth and put the toothpick back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

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By ouch - Mexico

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

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By Abrams52 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

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By BigFoot - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By Sadfaic - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

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By GotMyBitchBack - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By myBFsucks - Canada

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

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By automotive glass tech - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

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By candice - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

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By broussimousse - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

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By FML - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

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By anonymous - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By justpeachy1989 - Australia

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was heading home after getting off work at 5 in the morning, when a deer slid out in front of my car. Not jumped. Slid. Thanks, winter. FML

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By Jekyll - United States - Norwell

Today, I decided that after three days, I had to cut short my hiatus from social media. I saw a correlation between that and my anxiety going through the roof, causing my work performance to suffer. I’m so addicted to social media that in my off time, I think I was having withdrawal symptoms. FML

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By Daemon - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By Fish

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By Janet - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

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By bad surprise - United States

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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By thisreallyhappened - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By Never Again - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

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Top comments

By lookatstupid | 0

#916607 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:09

Hurry, before it starts to smell....

By Anonnamus | 0

#916619 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

Two shitty FMLs in a row? Nice.

COMMENTS

By lookatstupid | 0

#916607 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:09

Hurry, before it starts to smell....

Reply

trizzieb | 0

#917100 - Friday 5 March 2010 18:17

OP, YDI for owning a dog while living in Catois.

By ktbird | 0

#916609 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:10

Sorry OP, I've been there done that, and it's not fun.

Reply

daltonmarth | 4

#916620 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

sucks to be you.

Reply

ktbird | 0

#916635 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:16

The trailing poop isn't the worst. The explosive diarrhea in a cage is the worst. I have helped clean cages literally lined floor to ceiling with shat. None on carpet at least... yet.

By Anonnamus | 0

#916619 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:12

Two shitty FMLs in a row? Nice.

By pandorasnymph | 0

#916622 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:13

eeew.. go after the smell, watch ur step and thank god he didn t have diarrhea

Reply

assgas | 0

#3667064 - Thursday 1 December 2011 1:25

Can u shit up?!

By purpPie | 0

#916626 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:14

rolf nice fail

By fuckelijahslife | 0

#916633 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:15

:D haha, lollllllll!
I wanna see the dogs reaction when you screamed!

By ktbird | 0

#916640 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:17

moonfire isn't necessarily wrong. Yell at them if you catch them before, otherwise yelling when they finish should have the same effect. Don't wait too long after though or they won't understand what they're being punished for.

By toast2218 | 0

#916645 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:18

all you're fault

By alexomAnexo | 0

#916648 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:19

Train the Bitch!

By XR6Falcon | 0

#916650 - Friday 5 March 2010 14:20

just like hunting Easter eggs hey........