Kids: Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 37

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 135

20/10/2014 03:48

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 284

You deserved it 4 923

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

Coherence dude, do you have it?

27/03/2015 05:31

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 959

You deserved it 3 800

03/10/2010 04:00

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 575

You deserved it 2 604

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

By lizardhater - 12/03/2020 22:09

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 255

25/12/2016 23:08

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 278

You deserved it 1 924

Not gonna happen

By how bout no! - 09/10/2020 17:01

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years said that he wants to marry and spend his life with me. But first he wants to go be wild and single for a few years before settling down. Not only does he not see a problem with this, he expects me to wait and be faithful to him while he “gets it out of his system”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 613

You deserved it 106

08/06/2016 04:05

Today, a realtor came to take a look at my house. I had worked all morning to make it look lovely. When they took pictures, I explained a number of ways I could change things so everything would look as good as possible. After the house tour, they told me it should be bulldozed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 806

You deserved it 1 045

23/03/2019 22:00

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 298

You deserved it 1 516

Absolute beginners

By dancerr2210 - 09/06/2010 04:01

Spicy

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 065

You deserved it 6 936

27/04/2009 19:41

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to meet my grandparents. They live on the 27th floor. Alone in the elevator we started making out. Turns out that theres a camera in the elevator, connected to every apartment. My grandma asked me how it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 992

You deserved it 19 486

13/10/2017 04:30

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 400

You deserved it 715

20/02/2011 02:03

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 619

You deserved it 81 584

13/09/2010 06:49

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 133

You deserved it 3 292

20/11/2010 20:16

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 439

You deserved it 5 241

17/07/2011 16:00

Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 632

You deserved it 5 779

13/02/2012 21:23

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 547

You deserved it 6 471

She'll be single for a looong time...

By keiler - 06/08/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 619

You deserved it 342

09/05/2012 10:19

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 493

You deserved it 5 548

19/11/2008 11:33

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she'd bought for me. I said, joking, "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 194

You deserved it 18 516

03/03/2010 13:21

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 162

You deserved it 6 923

13/10/2008 08:26

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 648

You deserved it 76 805

24/05/2015 00:58

Today, I missed the spider but succeeded in keying my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 737

You deserved it 25 333

Mr Kwik Fit

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 255

04/09/2009 05:15

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 903

You deserved it 5 639

11/10/2015 12:31

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 620

You deserved it 4 561

26/12/2010 01:38

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 632

You deserved it 5 883

11/05/2011 14:10

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 843

You deserved it 43 476

Beggars can't be choosers

By Kathleen - 04/12/2020 08:08

Today, the weird guy with the 'Elvis in Las Vegas' haircut-and-sunglasses combo who cleans tables at my work tried to hit on me. This is the most interest any man has given me in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 168

Your music's shite, mate

By MyCatFromHell - 08/04/2021 22:59

Today, after suffering from a serious case of my cats always chewing my earphones, after many eaten cords, I finally got a bluetooth headphone. My cat peed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 227

10/10/2009 12:07

Today, I saw a man lying on the street. He seemed unconscious, so, being a nurse I went over and found he had choked. I removed the object from his throat and used CPR to revive him. My reward? A mouthful of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 577

You deserved it 5 181

31/07/2013 16:47

Today, I was told that I have to apply to keep the job that I've held for the past two years. There are so many other applicants that it's basically a free-for-all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 184

You deserved it 3 339

30/06/2013 21:44

Spicy

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 296

You deserved it 10 127

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 294

23/11/2009 05:09

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 602

You deserved it 2 860

29/06/2016 22:41

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 685

You deserved it 1 781

16/08/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 108

25/07/2012 06:10

Today, I was with my grandma in my new car. She suddenly says, "I've got to pee bad." Without giving me enough time to find a gas station, she blurts out, "Never mind, I just did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 818

You deserved it 1 986

09/02/2016 23:21

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 899

You deserved it 1 676

05/02/2011 06:29

Spicy

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 221

You deserved it 6 977

23/02/2016 05:00

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 195

You deserved it 2 664

11/02/2009 05:30

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 036

You deserved it 33 960

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Top comments

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:09

You've got to be kitten me.

HappyItalian 38

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:10

*inserts an overused cat pun in a sentence here*

Comments

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:09

You've got to be kitten me.

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:38

Well you gotta admit, it was the purrfect plan..!

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:43

no need to get a cattitude about it.

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:36

It's a real catastrophy.

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Monday 20 October 2014 19:19

Cat you guys think of any original puns? :p

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 20 October 2014 20:12

Cats out of the bag I guess...

XCanadianBloodX 6

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 5:48

You need to have a serious talk with him right meow

sadistmonkey 19

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:29

I'm really feline these puns.

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 11:34

C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

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Thursday 23 October 2014 2:10

meow it's time to talk to him about drugs.

feven 32

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:10

Did that work out for him?

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:57

I'm guessing no since OP caught him.

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:04

Of course not. Everyone knows you can't get high off of catnip. You have to use oregano.

lifesentence 11

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:04

YDI for not getting him the real thing

iLike2Teabag 27

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:06

Yea especially in a state where weed is legal...

DanielleinDC 32

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:37

Not if you're 15. I'm pretty sure that in states where marijuana is legal, you still have to be 18 (or is it 21?) to use it.

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Monday 20 October 2014 16:10

@31 It's 21! :)

sayyestothedress 24

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Monday 20 October 2014 22:20

#22 and while we're at it, why don't we buy alcohol and give it to toddlers! *she says in a sarcastic voice*

DanielleinDC 32

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 16:24

Thanks. I wasn't sure.

HappyItalian 38

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:10

*inserts an overused cat pun in a sentence here*

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Monday 20 October 2014 15:48

*insert bad pun reply that will get downvoted here*

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Monday 20 October 2014 16:04

Swear these "insert" lines get used more than the thing they are taking the piss of these days.

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:12

Time for a little talk..

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 10:59

give him "the talk"

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:13

What does that even mean? Please, don't do that again.

iamatoadkisser 15

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:14

Well I've heard that catnip pretty much makes cats high......... Who knows he might have a thing going there

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Monday 20 October 2014 16:21

People can soak catnip in water for tea & it can be used to calm you down a little. It doesn't make you high though. It actually tastes pretty good.

scottyboy254 13

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Monday 20 October 2014 17:53

it doesn't, trust me

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 1:26

catnip does have some similar effects of marijuana but much milder. you can smoke or put on dip of catnip in and it will make you drowsy, that's it really.

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:14

Time to buy him some dope for a dope. Just kidding a education is in need.

christina3466 17

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:14

*an

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:15

Only pussies use catnip

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Monday 20 October 2014 22:19

Like me! Oooh! A shoestring!

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:15

Your Son is a moron.

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Monday 20 October 2014 14:17

He has to be catful with what he does.