Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing...

By oops - 9/2/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Fairytale ending

Rich people problems

By youknowwhatitis - 22/6/2011 13:31 - Australia

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2014 19:21 - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 20:19 - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

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By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

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By HM - 16/4/2015 13:10 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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By fuckshit - 4/11/2014 14:01

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 9/4/2020 14:00

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By stuck - 23/3/2015 15:51 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, my boyfriend wrecked our car. Now I can't get to work in order to make the money we need to buy a new one. FML

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By kingpin7 - 30/3/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

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By clinictime - 11/4/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

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By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 01:30

Today, my mother knocked on the door of my room at 7am. I am currently over 300 miles from home, on a vacation to get away from my overbearing family. I told none of them where I was going. FML

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By miabun - 14/2/2017 06:02 - United States - Breinigsville

Cling Alert

Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML

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By Terry - 13/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By ulrika - 24/7/2016 01:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML

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By liz - 16/7/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

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By SharpDressedMan - 13/11/2018 06:00 - United States - Leesburg

Today, I spent almost nine hours cleaning because I was promised I could go to junior prom if my room was cleaned. I missed a dust bunny and couldn't go. I had a date for this, who I'd had a crush on for over a year and barely managed to ask to go with me. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By catlover - 13/12/2012 11:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By hunchback of notre bite - 9/8/2013 22:23 - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

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By rejectedmidair - 13/11/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I went through with my elaborate plans to propose to my girlfriend with creativity. I took her skydiving and proposed in midair. She rejected. Why? She wanted a more "traditional" proposal. FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By ididntdoanythingaight - 2/8/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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By Jen - 1/12/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

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By Potforapeso - 1/10/2014 02:30 - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML

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By negromancer - 11/7/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 20:01

Age appropriate

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

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By Daughter of the year - 11/3/2015 00:19 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 04:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my girlfriend of five years broke up with me, saying I've changed and she can't be with someone who's so emotional all the time. Well I'm so sorry that after two weeks, I'm not quite over my brother's death yet. FML

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By speshlk37 - 20/8/2012 02:19 - United States

Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2015 01:15 - United States - Mountain View

Today, at a public restroom, I caught my extremely eco-friendly daughter, who was on her period, looking through the trash. When I asked why, she said, "Because I'm looking for pads to use. It'll mean less garbage." I then had to lecture her in the public restroom about health and hygiene. FML

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By aridaley - 21/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

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By jj - 7/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

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By sadinmass - 13/11/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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Top comments

By xsydbabyx | 0

#53428 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:00

Sicko?! What the hell? Whas wrong with masturbating? Oh yea but seriously, lock the door.

By FML_x2 | 0

#114125 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:09

Your mom does the five knuckle shuffle too?

O_o

COMMENTS

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#816 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:47

thats just horrible

22cute | 17

#4069175 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:53

The TALK is definitely worse.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#827 - Monday 9 February 2009 14:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

DriDri_fml | 0

#1010700 - Saturday 29 May 2010 1:43

seven year old?? what the fuck! the kids balls haven't even dropped! that shit's not okkey!? and giving tips to the kid, definately not okkey!

Justforlolz | 13

#1039872 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 3:22

#42- Epic Win!!! I LOLed so hard when I read that. I agree though. He's not old enough to have his Whack-A-Thon yet.

lizamaphone | 6

#2453118 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:36

fail, 42. kids start doing it when they're pretty little... and they just know it feels good, they don't know what it means.

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3510861 - Sunday 30 October 2011 2:10

I started feeling down there when I was 6 because I knew it felt kind of nice

PoeSlayer | 0

#3655946 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:25

Seriously it's normal and healthy for kids to do that. Ask any proffessional. Know your stuff next time.

By Haelous | 0

#837 - Monday 9 February 2009 18:00

Deserved. Always lock the door. If you don't have a lock, buy one!

By relief_fml | 0

#1112 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:20

LOL fornication. p.s. are you from USM?

By lexbabes13 | 0

#1332 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 17:42

wtf

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2724 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:32

Should of showed her what your little swimmers looked like.

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9258 - Saturday 28 February 2009 14:38

Poor you....

cmonbru | 0

#1331997 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 6:43

loool ur so ugly

lwd305 | 0

#1742067 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 1:34

49, your such a queer.

By abbottizer | 0

#10822 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

LissaMccracken | 23

#5791111 - Saturday 14 December 2013 1:11

Everyone does it, and if you say you don't, you're lying

brommwpryl | 9

#6385904 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 19:58

Even... babies!?

Spacecatsattack | 5

#6565176 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 3:33

Maaaaybe I'm going out on a limb here, buuut I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. If so, well played.

By RPM_fml | 0

#17988 - Friday 6 March 2009 13:53

Joe?

By RacinJason | 0

#18513 - Friday 6 March 2009 21:38

Ryan?

I bet this chick is Canadians, i hear they are all compulsive masterbators.