Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing...

By oops - United States

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

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Miscellaneous

The grudge

Fish and chips is life

Spread the news

By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demorest

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

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By harrysolo - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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By sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

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By shorty - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I suffer from dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

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By tgpgs

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

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By luckygirl

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

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By Justme - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By csully - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

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By HR nightmare - United States - Glendale

Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML

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11036

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By fire - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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27455

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the electricity company can just show up unannounced and cut off my power, but cannot find the meter for a whole 10 days to switch it on again. It's currently dark and 7°C in my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

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By Eddy - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

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By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

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31740

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By Moe - United States

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hosting a pool party, when my husband and his friends got the bright idea of lighting one of the party balloons on fire. Needless to say, it immediately exploded. In shock, he jumped back straight into me, sending me and my $400 cell phone splashing into the pool. FML

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By nu_ravers_101 - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

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By Disappointed - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

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By MichiganExile - United States

Today, I was collecting on a bet I had with a buddy on a sports game. He owed me lunch. I have a huge crush on the waitress and told him. She asked if we wanted the checks split and he said, "No, my boyfriend doesn't have any money." FML

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By marlow - Canada

Today, the guy sitting beside me on the bus fell asleep and just drooled on me. FML

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By bunintheoven - United States - Seligman

Today, I went to my local Walmart to grab a few groceries, and while at the checkout line I grabbed two chocolate bars for a snack. The cashier gave me a look and mumbled under her breath, "Surprise, surprise." I'm pregnant, asshole. FML

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By marquez_jasmine - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

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By Michael978

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

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By loser. - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By FakeID - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

The Blob

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

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By Absent - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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36249

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By Bill - United States

Today, I discovered that my new college roommate not only makes casual conversation about his bowel movements, he also names them. FML

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By RandomTurtle109 - United States - White River Junction

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

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By dusk - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

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Top comments

By xsydbabyx | 0

#53428 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:00

Sicko?! What the hell? Whas wrong with masturbating? Oh yea but seriously, lock the door.

By FML_x2 | 0

#114125 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:09

Your mom does the five knuckle shuffle too?

O_o

COMMENTS

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#816 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:47

thats just horrible

22cute | 17

#4069175 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:53

The TALK is definitely worse.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#827 - Monday 9 February 2009 14:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

DriDri_fml | 0

#1010700 - Saturday 29 May 2010 1:43

seven year old?? what the fuck! the kids balls haven't even dropped! that shit's not okkey!? and giving tips to the kid, definately not okkey!

Justforlolz | 14

#1039872 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 3:22

#42- Epic Win!!! I LOLed so hard when I read that. I agree though. He's not old enough to have his Whack-A-Thon yet.

lizamaphone | 6

#2453118 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:36

fail, 42. kids start doing it when they're pretty little... and they just know it feels good, they don't know what it means.

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3510861 - Sunday 30 October 2011 2:10

I started feeling down there when I was 6 because I knew it felt kind of nice

PoeSlayer | 0

#3655946 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:25

Seriously it's normal and healthy for kids to do that. Ask any proffessional. Know your stuff next time.

By Haelous | 0

#837 - Monday 9 February 2009 18:00

Deserved. Always lock the door. If you don't have a lock, buy one!

By relief_fml | 0

#1112 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:20

LOL fornication. p.s. are you from USM?

By lexbabes13 | 0

#1332 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 17:42

wtf

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2724 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:32

Should of showed her what your little swimmers looked like.

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9258 - Saturday 28 February 2009 14:38

Poor you....

cmonbru | 0

#1331997 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 6:43

loool ur so ugly

lwd305 | 0

#1742067 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 1:34

49, your such a queer.

By abbottizer | 0

#10822 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

LissaMccracken | 23

#5791111 - Saturday 14 December 2013 1:11

Everyone does it, and if you say you don't, you're lying

brommwpryl | 9

#6385904 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 19:58

Even... babies!?

Spacecatsattack | 5

#6565176 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 3:33

Maaaaybe I'm going out on a limb here, buuut I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. If so, well played.

By RPM_fml | 0

#17988 - Friday 6 March 2009 13:53

Joe?

By RacinJason | 0

#18513 - Friday 6 March 2009 21:38

Ryan?

I bet this chick is Canadians, i hear they are all compulsive masterbators.