Miscellaneous: Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing...

By oops - United States

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

There's no helping some people

Commando

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

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By acneface - United States

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crestview

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

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By sleeping on the floor - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By Mattyboy - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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By Nikki - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

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By stillhave2years - United States

Today, for the fourth time this week, I witnessed my mother dancing around the house naked. Apparently, she is loosening up her "inner nudist" and isn't planning on stopping any time soon. FML

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By bleach bleach bleach - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

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By gettinghotinhere - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

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By diplomaless - United States

Today, I found out the high school I have been doing at home for the past 3 years isn't accredited and doesn't count for anything. I'm 18 and starting high school as a freshman next year. FML

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By ouch - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By lindsay

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she's been avoiding kissing me lately. Apparently she had a dream that one of my teeth caught on her braces, and all of her teeth got pulled out like a string of pearls. It seems unlikely she will be un-scarred any time soon. FML

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By Fat_abott - France

Today, I had an upset stomach. I lay down in bed with a bucket nearby just in case. Later on, the urge to vomit overcame me, and I puked into the bucket. I realised too late that my cat had chosen to sleep in it. He jumped out and spread vomit all over my apartment. FML

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By Buggga - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

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By john - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

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By cynical - 5/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

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761

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By danrocketman - United States

Today, I got a job in my university library. My job title is technical services. My actual job is pulling off the book label for the scanner and putting a new one on. For six hours a day. FML

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By dragynfyre - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By -_- - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

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By shawnsmuffins - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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By Anonymous

Leg day

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

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608

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By themarrowguy - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By girlw/ablog - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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By "Tick"

Today, after not dating for 2 years, I went out on 2 dates. I got stood up both times. FML

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By homelessagain - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. What did I get? A 12-hour work shift, after spending an almost sleepless night in a computer chair because my bed is infested with bed bugs. FML

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By Lililaloose - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 17:03

Public transport FTW

Today, I was riding the subway home after a long shift at hospital. I accidentally made eye contact with a sketchy dude for a split second. He launched a wide spray of spit at me. At least I was wearing scrubs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

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By purpleivy - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By bridezilla - Canada

Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML

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By _/ | \_ - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my new deodorant caused an allergic reaction, covering my armpits in a painful rash. I've had to awkwardly waddle around all day with my arms splayed outwards to get any relief. One customer at work sarcastically mentioned that it's nice that they're hiring penguins these days. FML

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Top comments

By xsydbabyx | 0

#53428 - Monday 23 March 2009 23:00

Sicko?! What the hell? Whas wrong with masturbating? Oh yea but seriously, lock the door.

By FML_x2 | 0

#114125 - Wednesday 15 April 2009 23:09

Your mom does the five knuckle shuffle too?

O_o

COMMENTS

By xXxRandiexXx | 0

#816 - Monday 9 February 2009 9:47

thats just horrible

22cute | 17

#4069175 - Tuesday 21 February 2012 23:53

The TALK is definitely worse.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#827 - Monday 9 February 2009 14:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

DriDri_fml | 0

#1010700 - Saturday 29 May 2010 1:43

seven year old?? what the fuck! the kids balls haven't even dropped! that shit's not okkey!? and giving tips to the kid, definately not okkey!

Justforlolz | 14

#1039872 - Wednesday 23 June 2010 3:22

#42- Epic Win!!! I LOLed so hard when I read that. I agree though. He's not old enough to have his Whack-A-Thon yet.

lizamaphone | 6

#2453118 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:36

fail, 42. kids start doing it when they're pretty little... and they just know it feels good, they don't know what it means.

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3510861 - Sunday 30 October 2011 2:10

I started feeling down there when I was 6 because I knew it felt kind of nice

PoeSlayer | 0

#3655946 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:25

Seriously it's normal and healthy for kids to do that. Ask any proffessional. Know your stuff next time.

By Haelous | 0

#837 - Monday 9 February 2009 18:00

Deserved. Always lock the door. If you don't have a lock, buy one!

By relief_fml | 0

#1112 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:20

LOL fornication. p.s. are you from USM?

By lexbabes13 | 0

#1332 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 17:42

wtf

By thewelshmetal | 0

#2724 - Monday 16 February 2009 20:32

Should of showed her what your little swimmers looked like.

By littlepirate_fml | 0

#9258 - Saturday 28 February 2009 14:38

Poor you....

cmonbru | 0

#1331997 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 6:43

loool ur so ugly

lwd305 | 0

#1742067 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 1:34

49, your such a queer.

By abbottizer | 0

#10822 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:40

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

LissaMccracken | 23

#5791111 - Saturday 14 December 2013 1:11

Everyone does it, and if you say you don't, you're lying

brommwpryl | 9

#6385904 - Wednesday 19 August 2015 19:58

Even... babies!?

Spacecatsattack | 5

#6565176 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 3:33

Maaaaybe I'm going out on a limb here, buuut I'm pretty sure that was sarcasm. If so, well played.

By RPM_fml | 0

#17988 - Friday 6 March 2009 13:53

Joe?

By RacinJason | 0

#18513 - Friday 6 March 2009 21:38

Ryan?

I bet this chick is Canadians, i hear they are all compulsive masterbators.