Intimacy: Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking... - FML

By ashbeat - 01/01/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 445

You deserved it 4 372

Compromises

Batman

Do me a solid

Next

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 00:01

Today, I took a girl out on a date. We had dinner, we had good conversation, the vibe was excellent, and everything was great. I took her to a bar I frequent after for a couple of drinks to finish the night. She left with some other dude on his motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 95

By Rach - 20/02/2010 13:58 - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 086

You deserved it 40 642

By Milked Richard - 06/02/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 125

You deserved it 5 611

By nemi - 31/08/2010 22:33 - Norway

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 595

You deserved it 8 813

By Flandre - 23/12/2018 11:55

Today, I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 024

You deserved it 476

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 439

You deserved it 62 749

How do I put it?

By weswithaute - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 690

You deserved it 7 967

By Bestbirthday - 12/07/2016 01:04 - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 103

You deserved it 836

By Noname - 14/03/2009 05:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146 508

You deserved it 11 721

By Anonymous - 08/09/2015 18:46 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 297

You deserved it 1 841

By unknown - 21/09/2011 12:40 - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 594

You deserved it 39 051

By LaurenB - 07/06/2012 18:12 - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 413

You deserved it 5 260

Detective work

By Essie - 13/05/2021 22:01 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend lied about not only talking to one other girl, but 5 other girls, and it wasn't just talking, it was wanting to meet up, nudes, sex, getting high together etc.. This has been going on for months, and even when I confronted him about it with evidence, he still denied it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 149

By Jenn P - 22/04/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 941

You deserved it 70 504

By Ser17 - 10/08/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 875

You deserved it 5 884

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 13:25 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at the mall with my mom, when I saw a little pamphlet about a charity for abused children. I showed her and said I was going to donate a few dollars. She quickly said no, calling it a waste of money and muttering that the kids probably deserved it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 499

You deserved it 1 803

By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa - 16/08/2018 01:30

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 748

You deserved it 196

By notaguidette - 23/01/2010 19:47 - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 926

You deserved it 37 858

Frustrated you are

By SlumLord - 27/11/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, when thinking about an Star Wars meme that said, "Quote Star Wars to describe your sex life", I realized that I had to stop at the title screen: "long ago" and "far, far away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 113

By Uniforms - 29/03/2017 12:00

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 502

You deserved it 401

Overreaction?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 08:01

Today, it's the second day my wife hasn’t been to work at all, because a cashier called her ma’am instead of miss. Apparently, it’s the first time this has happened and she’s so upset that she might be visibly growing old that she’s been in bed for two days crying. We’re both only 27 years-old, FFS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 130

By brokeandsingle - 29/01/2012 09:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 3 162

By mbesameh - 11/06/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 654

You deserved it 6 231

By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 624

You deserved it 5 396

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 21:53 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 315

You deserved it 3 492

By hatethatiloveyou - 10/02/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 881

You deserved it 14 736

By Anonymous - 20/05/2012 19:43 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I went to a job interview at a small family-owned business. After the interview, the owner's son took me into his office and told me I'm not getting the job and to get out, because apparently, the old man thinks I'm "possessed by a demon". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 844

You deserved it 2 129

By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 766

You deserved it 7 353

By goodbyefriend - 21/08/2012 16:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 5 995

By Why - 24/04/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 670

You deserved it 1 986

By WhoDoYouLove6208 - 11/10/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 753

You deserved it 2 531

By VoiceMail - 09/04/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 185

You deserved it 7 844

By wtf - 17/12/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 760

You deserved it 3 858

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 492

You deserved it 2 812

Bismillah no!

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 17:06

Today, my dad forbade me from playing or listening to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 482

By stankness - 22/03/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 276

You deserved it 2 776

By Anonymous - 01/04/2014 02:08 - United States - Santa Barbara

Spicy

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 507

You deserved it 36 892

By anonymous - 21/06/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 754

You deserved it 3 609

Transference

By KayBee - 30/01/2021 02:00

Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you it's me' speech." Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 93

By satega - 17/11/2012 09:15 - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 073

You deserved it 3 497

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Top comments

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

Well at least he's not saying, "You like that? HUH? DO YA?" "NO! Please stop! AAAAHHHH!" That would be awkward.

heythere131630 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

You live with Golem???

Comments

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:26

Walk in and say "you may like it but I do not"

wlddog 14

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:00

Perhaps moaning in your own room is a little much. Or some other way to compete with him is in order. If those don't shut him up, buy a stereo and blast his out.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:32

or just leave for a while instead of sitting there and listening to it.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:08

that or the next time he asks if he likes it just scream "no"

yoyoforpeace 14

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 19:18

Well does he like it or not?

yoyoforpeace 14

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 19:23

There was a lady who used to get off in the library bathroom...you could hear her say "who's a dirty little whore? You like that?"

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Friday 11 January 2013 4:54

Yeah, I wouldn't walk in there to say shit.

heythere131630 9

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:27

You live with Golem???

igive 29

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:34

"does we likes it?"

zombieslayer83 19

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:36

LOL! #19

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:42

My precious

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:43

22 If you like his comment then thumb it..

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:47

Whoa...lilhellian who are you telling him to give a thumbing?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:59

Sorry, I don't even know why I posted that one. Just have'nt been myself lately. Sorry all. Sorry 22.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:30

I'm sorry, I just can't help it. It's gollum, not golem. I only correct it because if I read your post as is, all I can think of are giant stone creatures, or the pokemon

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:21

Living with Golem (pokemon) would be awesome! Free bodyguard.... but masses of broken furniture too I suppose.

poccocurantes 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:11

I was wondering how Judaism fit into the post.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:30

Well, if you're living with Golem, at least you'll know that it's time to ... Rollout.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:38

This made me laugh uncontrollably lol

sens3sfailing 24

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 10:44

Anybody wana trade for my graveler then trade the golem back to me? I hate this stupid trade evolution!

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Thursday 3 January 2013 2:58

Epic!!!

Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

Dafuq?

GothickNihilist 15

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:56

I wish people would stop using that phrase. It is completely moronic and overused.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:43

No kidding... dafuq

xDropsOfJupiterx 8

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:09

You set yourself up to be thumbed down.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:28

Well did he like it?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:20

I would hope so

OhzTP 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:49

Otherwise things could get a little strange... Guy 1: "Do you like that"? Guy 1: "No! Rape! Get our hand off our dick!

RavenLovesViolin 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:55

my precious.....

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

Wait, that's not normal?

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 3:03

I also do that...

JoeRogansBEARD 15

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 11:11

102 do you lick your fingers afterwards aswell? (Referring to his profile pic)

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

time to get a new roommate ASAP!

zombieslayer83 19

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:29

who's that clapping?

poccocurantes 7

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 22:13

The sound of one hand.

zombieslayer83 19

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 0:07

fap fap fap

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:30

Oh cum on! What a jerk.. He didnt ask you if you liked it? How inconsiderate

Wishez 12

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 4:37

That was actually one of the worst puns I have ever heard

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 8:37

That was a pun?

theslimshadylp 6

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

Is he calling himself a dirty whore?

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 20:58

I believe he's asking, who's your Daddy.

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:02

I'm kind of wondering if he'll ask himself for the money shot.

dcats 13

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 21:54

Challan, you seem fluent in bedroom language. *_^

theslimshadylp 6

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 23:29

I'm your daddy.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:19

"You like that, don't you, bitch?"

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:31

Damn if you can hear him literally masturbating, that guy goes freaking hard. The scary thing is he answers himself. I would recommend locking your doors at night

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:33

agreed ^

BlowinChronic 18

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 19:50

^ there is a button for that.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 2:05

Not to sure that locking the door is enough. That's kind of freaky.

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Wednesday 2 January 2013 9:56

well I don't wanna use the button thanks for informing me about it :)

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 50

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 5

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 58