Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I...

By smellymcgee - 25/6/2016 17:21 - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By fuckit - 23/7/2016 06:52 - United States - American Fork

Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went over and helped her up. Instead of thanking me, she called me a pervert and slapped me around with her cane. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2016 17:43 - Meade

Today, I felt cold while driving, so I blasted the heat. The one thing I didn't expect was a load of tiny spiders spilling out of the vents and writhing all over my dash. FML

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By Van - 20/12/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-2-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

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By lillymean - 3/2/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 14:33 - United States - Brownwood

Today, my boss was telling everyone his mother recently passed away and he'll be off work for a while. I'd been holding in painful gas for a while, so I tried to ease it out. It turned into a long, squeaky fart in front of everyone. Everyone glared at me as if I was trying to be funny. FML

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By Baikal - 12/5/2013 04:09 - Singapore

Today, my cousin thought it would be funny to make copies of my house keys and give it to random people on the street. I live alone and work a 12 hour shift daily. FML

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By justgreatgirl - 11/6/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, I found out that even after a really bad break up and the fact that I left him for someone else, my parents offered my ex-boyfriend to join us on a one week family vacation. He agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By fuckfuck - 31/1/2014 18:46 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 19:58 - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By R2A8 - 1/3/2019 04:00 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I was handling corrosive chemicals when I accidentally spilled a beaker of Hydrochloric Acid on myself. I had to strip naked and use the emergency shower with my boss and my hot coworker watching. The worst part was when I realized my coworker was laughing at the size of my penis. FML

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By kingmetal42 - 9/2/2010 19:10 - France

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - 19/11/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By blahppl14 - 27/12/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML

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By LifeSucks - 8/11/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By fish killer - 8/2/2013 03:58 - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

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By uglyshoegirl - 8/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

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By brycepetrillo - 7/9/2013 16:08 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

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By notaprossie - 3/2/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

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By jjs51 - 23/1/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML

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By noboyfriend - 24/5/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 20:00

Today, I had to explain to a coworker that even though, yes, I’m Polish and, yes, my family’s from Poland, that, no, we’re not from The North Pole. We’re not from Antarctica either. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 04:31 - United States - Havertown

Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 03:55 - United States

Today, I'd had it with my mom's addiction to weed, so I told her to choose between me or the weed. I'm currently looking on Craigslist for an apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2009 23:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2015 20:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

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By doggone - 5/5/2012 23:07 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

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By bobuhbeartoe - 24/8/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

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By PharmSlave - 1/5/2015 06:12 - United States - Marysville

Today, my boss told me I ask too many questions and that's why they cut my hours in half. Officially, I'm a "Pharmacy Technician in Training", which means I'm trying to teach myself how to do the job without killing someone. All from on the job experience and an outdated textbook. FML

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By nothotforteacher - 7/1/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By imaqtb - 9/9/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 07:14

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

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By AmericanAlien - 9/3/2014 02:15 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By ihncredible - 10/12/2012 23:32 - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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Top comments

By fhksuaifk | 16

#6636640 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:04

If he left a new address leave it on his step + a gift of your own

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6636646 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:21

Although horrible at least you found it right away. You could be playing find that smell for the next month

Comments

By smokeduck115 | 23

#6636633 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:56

at least he left a present

Haggis300 | 25

#6636643 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:15

At least he left**

cheyluvsturtles | 30

#6636676 - Sunday 26 June 2016 8:35

would you want shit for a present? really.that is disgusting. and something an animal would do.

xDrakeNinja | 12

#6636820 - Sunday 26 June 2016 16:57

*facepalm*

peckerbeak22 | 14

#6637288 - Monday 27 June 2016 3:58

I did NOT mean to upvote this

By IrishJohn | 3

#6636634 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:58

Leave it on his doorstep

By WCARlover | 34

#6636635 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:58

I have to wonder what went down to cause someone to leave like that. I wish to know the backstory

By 19foxy81 | 8

#6636636 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:59

What a dick

By fhksuaifk | 16

#6636640 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:04

If he left a new address leave it on his step + a gift of your own

Madrias | 36

#6636742 - Sunday 26 June 2016 13:04

Leaving the shit-bag a shit bag. Not the worst plan I've heard.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6637316 - Monday 27 June 2016 4:39

I believe that sending human waste through the mail is illegal.

SpyroMello | 27

#6637327 - Monday 27 June 2016 4:50

#27 They're suggesting leaving it on the doorstep not mailing it to them.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6636646 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:21

Although horrible at least you found it right away. You could be playing find that smell for the next month

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6636658 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:51

I hate that game.

By fmltilltomorrow | 12

#6636648 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:28

That's a nice parting gift he left!

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#6636673 - Sunday 26 June 2016 8:26

I believe the correct statement was,

It's a nice gift, that he left.*

Oh, the gift WASN'T him leaving? My mistake ;)

By Dilexar | 26

#6636652 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:44

Find his new address, put the turd in a paper bag, set it on fire and leave it on his doorstep.

By AlexOrban | 17

#6636656 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:49

I guess you could say that it was a shitty situation ;) (hope the smell goes away)

By Rozay333 | 34

#6636657 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:51

Idk why people enjoy playing pranks with their own shit like wtf is wrong with you?