Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I...

By smellymcgee - 25/6/2016 17:21 - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

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Miscellaneous

Fashion Police

Gas giant

Risky business

By Mrs. Man - 2/2/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2012 01:55 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I found out that the only reason why I haven't had a relationship last for more than a week the past 4 years is because of my stalker ex-girlfriend, who has been keeping other women out of my life by making up horrible stories about me. She broke up with me 5 years ago. FML

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By EpicFailAtItsFinest - 13/4/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By themildthings - 21/9/2010 07:10 - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2011 19:48 - United States

Today, a fight broke out between my 21 year old sister and our 6 year old brother. I tried to intervene, only to end up getting battered to shit in the process. According to my sister, he's going to hell for eating her candy. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, I walked past two guys on the street. I heard one of them whisper, "Jeez, that girl looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By clinictime - 11/4/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

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By Bob H. - 26/10/2014 13:54 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML

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By soy_un_perderdor - 13/12/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

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By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - 28/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

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By AnnoyedByFriends - 8/8/2013 04:43

Today, my friends thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML

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By Jaybird1587 - 3/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

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By jmrz - 7/3/2013 11:51 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By Alex - 26/6/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By sadsexer23 - 16/2/2010 03:10 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

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By fatmom - 10/4/2013 13:26 - United Kingdom - Royal Tunbridge Wells

Today, I came home from work to find my son and his friends attempting to find out how many of them could fit into one of my pairs of pants. So far, five. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2011 20:39 - Switzerland

Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML

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By DUMMIE - 4/3/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

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By stillchubby - 17/2/2011 11:12 - Australia

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 23:00 - Canada

Today, I found that my "lesbian" best friend and roommate is now dating the guy I've been trying to get a date with for weeks. FML

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By lbailey32 - 4/2/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By michelle - 5/2/2010 19:01 - France

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't answer his phone last night. He was hanging out with our mutual friend all night. She had been texting me all night about what great sex she was having. My boyfriend was the only person there besides her brother. FML

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By ppp - 14/9/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By IzzMeister - 15/12/2019 20:00 - United States

Watch a movie

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

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By Granny - 24/10/2009 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

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By CreeptacularBait - 21/3/2018 15:00

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By corn - 3/6/2011 01:44 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst at my job as a lifeguard, a small child decided he couldn't hold it any longer and released his bowels in the pool. It was my job to clean up his dump, including the floating pieces of sweetcorn. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 06:00

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By Nonbikerbiker - 8/12/2018 22:00

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

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By androidjezus - 3/11/2019 18:30

Halloween, the long wait

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

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Top comments

By fhksuaifk | 16

#6636640 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:04

If he left a new address leave it on his step + a gift of your own

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6636646 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:21

Although horrible at least you found it right away. You could be playing find that smell for the next month

COMMENTS

By smokeduck115 | 23

#6636633 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:56

at least he left a present

Haggis300 | 25

#6636643 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:15

At least he left**

cheyluvsturtles | 30

#6636676 - Sunday 26 June 2016 8:35

would you want shit for a present? really.that is disgusting. and something an animal would do.

xDrakeNinja | 12

#6636820 - Sunday 26 June 2016 16:57

*facepalm*

peckerbeak22 | 14

#6637288 - Monday 27 June 2016 3:58

I did NOT mean to upvote this

By IrishJohn | 3

#6636634 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:58

Leave it on his doorstep

By WCARlover | 34

#6636635 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:58

I have to wonder what went down to cause someone to leave like that. I wish to know the backstory

By 19foxy81 | 8

#6636636 - Sunday 26 June 2016 6:59

What a dick

By fhksuaifk | 16

#6636640 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:04

If he left a new address leave it on his step + a gift of your own

Madrias | 36

#6636742 - Sunday 26 June 2016 13:04

Leaving the shit-bag a shit bag. Not the worst plan I've heard.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6637316 - Monday 27 June 2016 4:39

I believe that sending human waste through the mail is illegal.

SpyroMello | 29

#6637327 - Monday 27 June 2016 4:50

#27 They're suggesting leaving it on the doorstep not mailing it to them.

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6636646 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:21

Although horrible at least you found it right away. You could be playing find that smell for the next month

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6636658 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:51

I hate that game.

By fmltilltomorrow | 12

#6636648 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:28

That's a nice parting gift he left!

IDontKnowWhoIAm04 | 24

#6636673 - Sunday 26 June 2016 8:26

I believe the correct statement was,

It's a nice gift, that he left.*

Oh, the gift WASN'T him leaving? My mistake ;)

By Dilexar | 26

#6636652 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:44

Find his new address, put the turd in a paper bag, set it on fire and leave it on his doorstep.

By AlexOrban | 17

#6636656 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:49

I guess you could say that it was a shitty situation ;) (hope the smell goes away)

By Rozay333 | 34

#6636657 - Sunday 26 June 2016 7:51

Idk why people enjoy playing pranks with their own shit like wtf is wrong with you?