Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

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BO Central

Falling Down

Explain that one

By ConfusedDad - United States

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

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By BloodyMarry - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

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By hellnooo - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

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By see you next cunt - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By Flicker - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By Forever sad - United States

Today, I learned that my mother might not live much longer. My boyfriend, instead of showing compassion asked me, "We're still having video chat sex, right?" FML

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By virginmary - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Whitecourt

Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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By Sara1990 - Australia

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

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By rs - Egypt

Today, after watching Hulk with my friends, we spent a good half hour discussing exactly how enlarged Bruce Banner's package would be in his Hulk state. I couldn't hide my excitement, and now my friends won't stop teasing me. FML

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By HylianFox - United States

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for college graduation. Turns out my advisor screwed me over and now I'm 1 credit hour short of getting my degree. Now I have to wait another semester and pay $3,500 just to take a one hour class on Bowling so that I can graduate. FML

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By wtbfiber - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By thankspal - United States

Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By poo4brains - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

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By christous - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

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By bluecollar - United States

Today, there was a luncheon at work in another dept. We all went to get some free food and see new faces. There was a hot girl walking around chatting. I grabbed my buddy's arm and told him there was a "nice pair of tits here" He saw her. It's his daughter. She's a new-hire... running HR. FML

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By nicole - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend confessed that after every fight we have, he dips my toothbrush in the toilet. FML

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By Catnip - Germany - Michelstadt

Today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie where I used the Snapchat face-swap to put my best friend's face on mine. My boyfriend didn't notice and texted back, 'Wow, so beautiful!' FML

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By FUCK ME, MAKE IT STOP - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Adrian

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

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By Rissa Warrington - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

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By Binkplugged

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

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By TooFlamingHot - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

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By CUCKOO - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

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By treehouse

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By rain - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

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By Numnum - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

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By fishoutofwater - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

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By down trodden - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

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Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#156092 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:26

Lol! I can't believe you messed up that badly. :)

By vampirate | 0

#156102 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

haha I hope you were either high or really tired.

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#156092 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:26

Lol! I can't believe you messed up that badly. :)

Reply

#3853703 - Monday 9 January 2012 3:58

I used to eat shrooms too, then I took an arrow to the knee.

By collar50 | 0

#156099 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

At least you know you're not a vampire.

By vampirate | 0

#156102 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

haha I hope you were either high or really tired.

By smilebabyy | 0

#156106 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:28

LMAO.

By vxjazz | 0

#156108 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

When was the last time you looked in a mirror? Were you so surprised to see your reflection?

By hk_fml | 9

#156109 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

how do you not realize that it was your reflection? How many times have you looked in the window of your own house and looked at your reflection?

By kk_fml | 0

#156113 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

hahaha. if you are actually a man, grow some balls. if you are a woman, the story is way more hilarious.

By Singularity_fml | 0

#156121 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:32

Do you not know what you look like?

By bored719 | 0

#156122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:33

Are you black?

By marycjones | 0

#156126 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:35

Are you schizo?