Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked in the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13487

You deserved it

79203

Tweet

Share

Mother of the year

BO Central

Furry

By Pandaling - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2636

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45483

You deserved it

3180

Tweet

Share

By JaneDoe - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37588

You deserved it

2766

Tweet

Share

By notsomuch - United States

Say Anything 2.0

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30735

You deserved it

3929

Tweet

Share

By natasha - 1/7/2020 05:03

The void

Today, my depression has hit a new low. I had to verbally motivate myself for at least an hour in order to wash two plates. I ended up giving up in the middle, and completely shutting down for six hours afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

243

Tweet

Share

By notgoodenough38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49540

You deserved it

3850

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73713

You deserved it

4775

Tweet

Share

By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48256

You deserved it

4209

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67920

You deserved it

5067

Tweet

Share

By australian6196 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49673

You deserved it

7447

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51629

You deserved it

4825

Tweet

Share

By OutOfMyMind - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35808

You deserved it

12025

Tweet

Share

By gamer tag ID not recognised

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2815

You deserved it

186

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Sounds like a keeper, actually

Today, my roommate walked in on me going down on my girlfriend in our shared living area. She was embarrassed for about 20 seconds, then pushed my head back down and told me to keep going until he comes back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

428

You deserved it

1088

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38619

You deserved it

2903

Tweet

Share

By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2409

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By Alex Andreas - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26629

You deserved it

2429

Tweet

Share

By WentInABush - United States - Portland

Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36316

You deserved it

3215

Tweet

Share

By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25483

You deserved it

4547

Tweet

Share

By hellosir - United States

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37283

You deserved it

4187

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5324

You deserved it

984

Tweet

Share

By looking4newvenue - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37506

You deserved it

2946

Tweet

Share

By Popscene - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24282

You deserved it

2912

Tweet

Share

By Biological - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49628

You deserved it

3465

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22653

You deserved it

5417

Tweet

Share

By facepalm

Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1769

You deserved it

214

Tweet

Share

By troll of a gran - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35750

You deserved it

4826

Tweet

Share

By heatherfeather22 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I got into trouble at work because a customer complained about my face tattoo, I don't have a face tattoo but I do have one behind my ear. Nonetheless, I still got written up and had to cover it with a band-aid, which ripped out hair when I took it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38157

You deserved it

11166

Tweet

Share

By skyhigh - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48649

You deserved it

3300

Tweet

Share

By wowthatwould - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21334

You deserved it

46522

Tweet

Share

By Sue - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36990

You deserved it

3513

Tweet

Share

By Pokecousin

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

I agree, your life sucks

6602

You deserved it

529

Tweet

Share

By RedFaced - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, I discovered the effect the cream has that my mom gave me. It was for my acne and it worked, in a way. Instead of having a lot of little pimples, I now just have a few gigantic ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12112

You deserved it

802

Tweet

Share

By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33226

You deserved it

9077

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 05:01

Baby you can drive my car

Today, as usual, I work nights and sleep during the day. I found out that my brother uses my car and never puts gas on it when he called me for the first time to actually ask me if he could borrow my car, and also to lend him $20 to put gas in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

785

You deserved it

86

Tweet

Share

By Devon - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35998

You deserved it

5025

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45033

You deserved it

2925

Tweet

Share

By Virginy - France

Send help

Today, I got stuck in my building's elevator. I pushed the emergency button, which made a ringing noise. After about half an hour, I heard someone yell, "Stop pushing that button, my kids are sleeping." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36759

You deserved it

2602

Tweet

Share

By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52225

You deserved it

5236

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45706

You deserved it

5235

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#156092 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:26

Lol! I can't believe you messed up that badly. :)

By vampirate | 0

#156102 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

haha I hope you were either high or really tired.

COMMENTS

By 24788 | 6

#156092 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:26

Lol! I can't believe you messed up that badly. :)

Reply

franman666 | 0

#3853703 - Monday 9 January 2012 3:58

I used to eat shrooms too, then I took an arrow to the knee.

By collar50 | 0

#156099 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

At least you know you're not a vampire.

By vampirate | 0

#156102 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:27

haha I hope you were either high or really tired.

By smilebabyy | 0

#156106 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:28

LMAO.

By vxjazz | 0

#156108 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

When was the last time you looked in a mirror? Were you so surprised to see your reflection?

By hk_fml | 9

#156109 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

how do you not realize that it was your reflection? How many times have you looked in the window of your own house and looked at your reflection?

By kk_fml | 0

#156113 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:29

hahaha. if you are actually a man, grow some balls. if you are a woman, the story is way more hilarious.

By Singularity_fml | 0

#156121 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:32

Do you not know what you look like?

By bored719 | 0

#156122 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:33

Are you black?

By marycjones | 0

#156126 - Thursday 30 April 2009 9:35

Are you schizo?