Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a...

By why me? - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Emergency haircut

Dicks aplenty!

By wasteoftime

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML

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53567

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By fuck off, eh! - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By BambooLove - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

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22966

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By O0hdear - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By GeoKid - Canada

Today, after six months of writing a 40 page paper criticizing a famous method, I found out the professor who conceived it has transferred to my favorite college to head the department I'm applying to study in. They require I submit the paper with my application. FML

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By f

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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By Crying - United States

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

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By BirdWatching - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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5874

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By ddeit - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

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By NoLife - United States

Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By Quirk - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

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By dogsickftl - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

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By Jason

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

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4204

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By only 10 more hours to go - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

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By ScorpioQueen - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By atsukobo - United States

Today, my husband and I went to our first counseling sessions, where the main focus was communication. When the therapist called us in together to discuss techniques we could use at home, my husband looked around, rolled his eyes, and responded with, "Uh huh" to every question. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

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By Ugggggggggg - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, discovered that all the viruses I have gotten on my computer at work haven't been from anything I've done, but because my boss has secretly been using it after hours to download or watch porn so he wouldn't risk getting a virus on his own computer. I've lost 3 major projects due to this. FML

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By vsf - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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By madbabynoel - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By Torvaltz - United States - Clinton

Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML

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By Eleanor - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

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By me. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

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By the poor man - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

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By Lori_ftw - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By DesperateMother - France - Wasselonne

Today, my 16-year-old daughter handed me the picture she wants TV reports to use if ever she happens to get kidnapped. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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Top comments

By bacon_lover100 | 11

#5881974 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:32

You don't have to tolerate that shit, just talk to your roommate about.

By Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5881978 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:38

Tell your roomate that decisions that involve your place shouldn't be made without you. Even if this person staying there is nice and all, a little respect goes a long way.

COMMENTS

By holymackeral | 12

#5881967 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:28

First!

leonchen7498 | 12

#5881977 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:36

Why would people comment saying first if they know theyre going to get downvoted anyways?

By leroyjenkins006 | 10

#5881968 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:29

Then the land lord came and said her roommate left...40 YEARS AGO DUN DUN DUUN

Nilorak | 24

#5881993 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 12:19

What?

BellaBear90 | 27

#5882006 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 12:44

No he didn't #2

Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5882010 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 12:50

#19 I think he's trying to imply that the lady in question is a ghost who died in the apartment 40 years ago. I could be wrong though.

WD_Stevens | 22

#5882023 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 13:17

That is what he was implying. He got something wrong and it ended up very confusing. Close to a good comment though

eatsleephoop | 3

#5882376 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 23:22

what

By Black_Knight80 | 13

#5881969 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:29

Well OP now you guys can be friends I hope.

GodPart2 | 20

#5881980 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:43

Or you can be lovers... another good porn plot...

REALAfroninga | 11

#5882004 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 12:37

I heard the plumbing needs fixed. *cue cheesy porno music*

J3R3MYY | 14

#5882156 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 16:43

Was she at least hot?

EphMi | 5

#5882355 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 22:58

you roommate arranged for a woman to be in your room, what more do you want?

AlexRen | 21

#5882570 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 3:52

*Cues 70's porno music*

By poulkrebs | 20

#5881971 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:29

He got you something. How nice of him :-)

By pdp_fml | 21

#5881972 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:29

Could you sleep in the same bed at least?

telli164 | 30

#5881983 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:53

Top n tail?

akballerchicity | 11

#5882584 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 4:06

Dat profile pic doee

By ckerane | 16

#5881973 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:32

the more the better

By bacon_lover100 | 11

#5881974 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:32

You don't have to tolerate that shit, just talk to your roommate about.

bacon_lover100 | 11

#5881975 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:34

It*

Llama_Face89 | 33

#5882407 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 0:30

I want to like your comment but I can't in good conscience change it from 69...

bacon_lover100 | 11

#5883456 - Thursday 13 March 2014 2:25

Say what?

xSphinx | 18

#5891608 - Friday 21 March 2014 6:21

how are people down voting this? no sense of humor these days..

By Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5881978 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 11:38

Tell your roomate that decisions that involve your place shouldn't be made without you. Even if this person staying there is nice and all, a little respect goes a long way.