Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices...

By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mr Sensitivity

A beautiful truck decoration

Spooky

By BadassNinja - 5/9/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By Confused - 13/5/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2014 15:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally got to watch some porn after not being able to for a while. All I could notice in the video was how badly the participants were playing snooker. FML

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By breadcrumb - 6/7/2015 06:03 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By scratchy - 8/12/2010 14:56 - Israel

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

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By forever young - 5/7/2013 15:16 - United States

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

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By couch girl - 25/6/2013 16:23 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

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By Sash - 6/4/2012 21:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

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By Uneducated - 26/1/2019 20:00

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By NoRingForMe - 18/7/2012 17:03 - United States - Stamford

Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2016 04:48 - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

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By mazey93 - 9/12/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, I passed out on the way to work. Some lucky passerby took this as an opportunity to help themself to my purse. FML

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By mybackhurts - 4/2/2018 15:00

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2015 03:02 - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

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By anashaalmajiid - 5/3/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

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By fail - 5/12/2010 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By nobody asked you! - 25/3/2019 21:00 - United States - New York

Today, is my first day as an expat. Hoping to arrive early for work, I hailed a cab. The driver took it upon himself to take the scenic route and play tour guide, no matter how much I refuse. Not only I was late, he turned violent when I refused to pay over $100 of fare, plus a "talent fee". FML

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By redneckpunk - 16/3/2015 19:15 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

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By Olihime - 10/1/2010 18:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

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By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 23:01

Like the beginning of a porno

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

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By yoyyo - 7/11/2016 06:29 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

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By amber - 13/3/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say "sorry." FML

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By ohyesIfeelspecial - 18/5/2012 16:05 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé emailed me some steamy pics. Too bad he forgot to erase "FWD:" from the subject line. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By Fifi - 16/4/2018 05:00

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

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By fmldr - 3/12/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Carmen VanDiest - 24/4/2020 02:00

Legit logic

Today, I asked my husband why his socks are always inside-out in the laundry basket. He replied, "So the insides get clean." FML

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By Joe - 4/8/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

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By Maddie - 22/3/2011 15:39

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

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By Embarrassed - 7/8/2012 07:48 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

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By I hate that game - 23/11/2013 16:11 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

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By - 29/12/2020 14:00

Fancy Hobo

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

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By GatorBoi - 4/7/2016 17:59 - United States

Today, I had to awkwardly sit next to my ex and her mother on a 2-hour flight. FML

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By great - 10/2/2012 21:33 - United States

Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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By jgdgjyfg - 25/7/2011 07:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

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Top comments

By NeroKR13 | 0

#1270088 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

t.v announcer: in other news..
op: oh snap I'm being robbed!

By prodigy_x95 | 0

#1270021 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

ur stupid

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#1269998 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:01

Lol don't worry bout it haha. I gtg recharge anyways. But what everr :P I'll listen now :)

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270003 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

you fail

mattman1994 | 0

#1270037 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

paranoia ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1270043 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

hahah #1 failed. accidentally pasted a message I sent. FML.

Sportsfan86 | 3

#1270127 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You deserved it for failing.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270254 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:20

Haha, I was wondering why it didn't say 'could have been a lot worse' already. You failed :D Not as hard as the OP though.

MyNameIsInvictus | 0

#1270285 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:23

YDI FOR WASTING ELECTRICITY!!!

MarkSeattle | 0

#1270299 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:25

lol. the lame ones are usually fat chicks. this is funny since you're a guy. I hope your mangina survived the scare of the TV being on...

marinus_fml | 19

#1270322 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:27

#15, ikr :(

gervat | 0

#1270342 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:30

that what happens when u get surround sound

legonut4 | 0

#1270392 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:35

it's funny because you called the cops on your tv

cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#1270667 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:04

YDI for being to paranoid

Brittney_E | 0

#1270811 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:32

lol at legonut.

Stupified | 0

#1270822 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:34

Ydi for being stupid and a pussy. You should have found out if they were actually there and whether they had weapons and shit, then kick their ass! Haha but instead you hid from your TV like a pansy.