Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Mixed signals

Family extension

By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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39399

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By demix_fml

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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1422

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

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15982

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

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9620

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

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63659

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

OCD

Today, the room I am renting from an old lady is stuffed with porcelain figures, etc. I carefully put them into the drawers to create some space for the books I need for college. While I was gone, she used her key and put all the porcelain figures back on the shelves. FML

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985

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By ak - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Kick the bum out

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

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1023

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385

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By Megan - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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10726

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By mystery - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML

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By technodont - United States

Today, my rental car had an automatic rear hatch. That sounded helpful until I used it and it emptied $60 in just-purchased groceries for the week on the parking lot pavement. The jars and jugs weren't ready for the leap. FML

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26214

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By Mr. Sniffles - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

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41044

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By FunTimes - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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1550

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103

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By Gg - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

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52837

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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35086

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

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31992

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By MiserableGradStudent

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5611

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332

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By Brunofk7 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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24033

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By soooyeah - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

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112741

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By OhaiiKid - United States

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

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11433

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By baldygirl - United States

Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML

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53883

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3510

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By GT716 - United States

Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML

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61935

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By sup - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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1697

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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40066

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By cherokeems - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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21922

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By Cow lover - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

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15099

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By bellabreeze - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

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26024

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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39825

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By dylanhollis - United States - San Antonio

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

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43695

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By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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29155

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By John - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30392

You deserved it

6216

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By what people do for money - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

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50691

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By Pissed - United States - Newton Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

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24472

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By fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

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71117

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9571

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By mouseart

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9273

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1310

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5291

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875

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot my key inside my apartment. My boyfriend suggested we ask a neighbor to open it. I explained we don't all have the same key, to which he responded, "Well how come they all have the same doorknobs?" FML

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47140

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By lizzard0416 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36842

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By Anonymous - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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20824

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Top comments

By NeroKR13 | 0

#1270088 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

t.v announcer: in other news..
op: oh snap I'm being robbed!

By prodigy_x95 | 0

#1270021 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

ur stupid

COMMENTS

By marinus_fml | 19

#1269998 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:01

Lol don't worry bout it haha. I gtg recharge anyways. But what everr :P I'll listen now :)

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270003 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

you fail

mattman1994 | 0

#1270037 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

paranoia ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1270043 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

hahah #1 failed. accidentally pasted a message I sent. FML.

Sportsfan86 | 3

#1270127 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You deserved it for failing.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270254 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:20

Haha, I was wondering why it didn't say 'could have been a lot worse' already. You failed :D Not as hard as the OP though.

MyNameIsInvictus | 0

#1270285 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:23

YDI FOR WASTING ELECTRICITY!!!

MarkSeattle | 0

#1270299 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:25

lol. the lame ones are usually fat chicks. this is funny since you're a guy. I hope your mangina survived the scare of the TV being on...

marinus_fml | 19

#1270322 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:27

#15, ikr :(

gervat | 0

#1270342 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:30

that what happens when u get surround sound

legonut4 | 0

#1270392 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:35

it's funny because you called the cops on your tv

cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#1270667 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:04

YDI for being to paranoid

Brittney_E | 0

#1270811 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:32

lol at legonut.

Stupified | 0

#1270822 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:34

Ydi for being stupid and a pussy. You should have found out if they were actually there and whether they had weapons and shit, then kick their ass! Haha but instead you hid from your TV like a pansy.