Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices...

By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 08:22 - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Aimee Lutz - 19/10/2017 22:00

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By get tf over it! - 30/6/2020 20:02

Cartoon villain

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

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By stupid - 24/11/2014 19:21 - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

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By Tom - 6/6/2017 11:00 - United States - Antelope

Today, I went for my usual morning run. Halfway through, I needed to pee, so I found a perfect bush… to walk in on a lady who had also stopped to pee. I was called a pervert. FML

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By buckid310 - 3/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By invasive species - 7/11/2016 15:08

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

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By HotAsTits - 20/3/2011 20:31 - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - 14/2/2015 09:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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By Duckie W - 13/2/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By SoDamnBroke - 28/9/2016 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By AKN - 29/1/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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By kilo1_13 - 4/6/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - 29/7/2014 07:58 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By Now I'm Broke - 22/11/2017 15:00

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 11:25 - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By bonedregardless - 15/9/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

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By SocietyToday - 27/8/2017 13:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By Shock - 21/3/2016 20:12 - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

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By Allergies suck - 22/11/2016 15:33 - United States - Westport

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

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By eternal - 24/6/2019 18:00

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 06:00

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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By squirt - 5/7/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

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By WetPhone - 15/6/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I was being pulled into a pool by my girlfriend. To avoid ruining my phone, I tossed it into one of the chairs behind me. I missed and it landed into the hot tub behind it. FML

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By BrokenPoke - 9/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By wheel 4 - 1/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

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By veiny - 21/4/2015 13:48 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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By hs - 30/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

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By mandieee - 15/6/2017 20:00

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By Helen - 10/11/2012 10:15 - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 18:29 - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

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By anon - 31/12/2013 18:13 - United States - Gilroy

Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML

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By toastedguy - 1/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By Failed Parent - 11/10/2012 06:59 - United States

Today, as I was about to leave for work, my 16-year-old son stumbled home in nothing but his underwear and pink cowboy boots. He threw his hands in the air, yelled, "BOTTLE SIP BOTTLE GUZZLE," promptly threw up and passed out in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 09:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2020 23:04

Taste test

Today, I went to give my boyfriend head, and his dick tasted like condoms. I'm 5 months pregnant, we obviously don't use condoms. He got scared when I stopped and told him, then he got mad at me. FML

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By justanaccount - 27/2/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

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Top comments

By NeroKR13 | 0

#1270088 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

t.v announcer: in other news..
op: oh snap I'm being robbed!

By prodigy_x95 | 0

#1270021 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

ur stupid

Comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#1269998 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:01

Lol don't worry bout it haha. I gtg recharge anyways. But what everr :P I'll listen now :)

Pastor_Rich | 0

#1270003 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

you fail

mattman1994 | 0

#1270037 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

paranoia ftw

marinus_fml | 19

#1270043 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

hahah #1 failed. accidentally pasted a message I sent. FML.

Sportsfan86 | 3

#1270127 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You deserved it for failing.

justsayfuck | 5

#1270254 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:20

Haha, I was wondering why it didn't say 'could have been a lot worse' already. You failed :D Not as hard as the OP though.

MyNameIsInvictus | 0

#1270285 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:23

YDI FOR WASTING ELECTRICITY!!!

MarkSeattle | 0

#1270299 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:25

lol. the lame ones are usually fat chicks. this is funny since you're a guy. I hope your mangina survived the scare of the TV being on...

marinus_fml | 19

#1270322 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:27

#15, ikr :(

gervat | 0

#1270342 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:30

that what happens when u get surround sound

legonut4 | 0

#1270392 - Thursday 19 August 2010 16:35

it's funny because you called the cops on your tv

cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#1270667 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:04

YDI for being to paranoid

Brittney_E | 0

#1270811 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:32

lol at legonut.

Stupified | 0

#1270822 - Thursday 19 August 2010 17:34

Ydi for being stupid and a pussy. You should have found out if they were actually there and whether they had weapons and shit, then kick their ass! Haha but instead you hid from your TV like a pansy.