Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 426

You deserved it 67

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 35

19/08/2010 08:22

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 931

You deserved it 38 970

BO Central

Age difference

Batman

18/05/2012 22:20

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 533

You deserved it 9 722

16/12/2012 00:57

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 034

You deserved it 5 946

01/03/2011 23:51

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 551

You deserved it 90 693

Overreaction

By sadie - 01/04/2021 23:00

Today, my mom yelled at me in the store so loudly and for so long, a crowd began to form. The reason? I didn’t know how much milk we had left at home. I don’t drink milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 53

Old Man Blues

By Anonymous - 22/04/2020 08:03

Today, I seriously strained my back picking up my daughter. I’m only 22 and now I have a bad back a man in his 70s would be proud of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 246

08/04/2017 18:00

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 609

You deserved it 407

08/12/2015 20:24

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 810

You deserved it 2 509

08/12/2011 20:41

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 662

You deserved it 3 769

29/04/2012 23:56

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 446

You deserved it 14 932

Lazy git

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 14:01

Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 171

03/10/2009 17:55

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 547

You deserved it 6 312

19/03/2013 04:40

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 060

You deserved it 3 728

26/11/2009 16:23

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 920

You deserved it 30 011

16/09/2009 17:05

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 367

You deserved it 115 463

02/08/2009 22:03

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 116

You deserved it 132 690

31/12/2012 02:45

Spicy

Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 473

You deserved it 5 520

22/10/2013 01:40

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 093

You deserved it 2 996

Long thought

By Anonymous - 05/01/2020 03:00

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 733

Emotional rollercoaster

By Anonymous - 02/10/2021 22:01

Today, my dad all but told me that he ignores me and my advice on purpose, just so he can yell at me for pestering him when I get annoyed, and being ignored really ticks me off. Then my mom, who is the more level-headed one, didn't even scold him for it. This is why I have acute self-esteem issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 683

You deserved it 145

07/11/2013 23:08

Today, I was in my room playing with my pet. I told my snake, "Who needs friends when I have you?" Through the wall I heard my neighbors say, "You do." I've never met my neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 304

You deserved it 9 009

12/11/2011 15:42

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 722

You deserved it 3 653

08/08/2019 06:00

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 194

09/11/2017 16:00

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 195

You deserved it 265

No chuds, thanks

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 20:01

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 362

Gamergating

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 02:04

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 624

You deserved it 28 598

25/08/2015 07:32

Spicy

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 228

You deserved it 7 082

26/12/2015 17:37

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 045

You deserved it 2 216

27/11/2014 20:38

Spicy

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 4 068

24/12/2010 23:49

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 944

You deserved it 27 222

13/04/2011 10:19

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 463

You deserved it 8 097

09/04/2012 05:07

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 942

You deserved it 2 976

Logic

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, according to my boyfriend, it’s not cheating if he doesn’t love the other woman, so if it’s just sex, it’s not cheating and I shouldn’t be upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 118

Horoscopes are horseshit

By Fuck horoscopes. - 26/05/2021 17:01

Today, my (ex)girlfriend broke up with me because she read the horoscope and it stated that people of the Aquarius sign are toxic and emotionally volatile. I am Aquarius and did nothing wrong to my friends or family as far as I can recall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 64

30/01/2009 14:07

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 258

You deserved it 28 536

03/10/2009 15:38

Today, I wore a beautiful new dress that I got for £5 only in a sale. I've been turning heads in it all day. When I got home, my mum pulled the massive red £5 tag off of the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 749

You deserved it 39 338

07/11/2015 07:12

Spicy

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 771

You deserved it 5 107

02/01/2013 10:31

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 270

You deserved it 2 300

05/04/2009 22:04

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 116

You deserved it 8 782

30/07/2015 00:57

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 091

You deserved it 1 694

25/11/2010 23:39

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 3 219

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

t.v announcer: in other news.. op: oh snap I'm being robbed!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

ur stupid

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:01

Lol don't worry bout it haha. I gtg recharge anyways. But what everr :P I'll listen now :)

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:02

you fail

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

paranoia ftw

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:04

hahah #1 failed. accidentally pasted a message I sent. FML.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

You deserved it for failing.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:20

Haha, I was wondering why it didn't say 'could have been a lot worse' already. You failed :D Not as hard as the OP though.

MyNameIsInvictus 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:23

YDI FOR WASTING ELECTRICITY!!!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:25

lol. the lame ones are usually fat chicks. this is funny since you're a guy. I hope your mangina survived the scare of the TV being on...

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:27

#15, ikr :(

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:30

that what happens when u get surround sound

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:35

it's funny because you called the cops on your tv

cOOkiEzRgOOd 22

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 17:04

YDI for being to paranoid

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 17:32

lol at legonut.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 17:34

Ydi for being stupid and a pussy. You should have found out if they were actually there and whether they had weapons and shit, then kick their ass! Haha but instead you hid from your TV like a pansy.

BrittanyBamWooo 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 17:49

legonut - lol yupp

iSitt 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 18:12

do you get a fine for falsely calling 911 ?

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 18:17

Ydi for leaving your tv on and acting before you thunk

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 19:05

haha your a Dee Dee Dee

2kool4skoolyo 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 19:07

in soviet Russia tv calls cops on YOU

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 19:12

No, in Soviet Russia, TV comes home from long day of work.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 21:03

only in USA..

EmmyGrangerDC 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 22:44

hahaha that's funny

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 23:10

what a pussy. buy a gun.

bugmenotmofo 34

Send a private message

Friday 20 August 2010 5:03

just like In home alone

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

ur stupid

Send a private message

Friday 28 October 2011 4:17

what if looney tunes was on and he heard " shhh be vewwy quiet"

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:03

You wouldn't try to investigate a bit before calling the cops? YDI

MyNameIsInvictus 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 19:33

Well, what if the TV had a gun and shot him!?

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:06

t.v announcer: in other news.. op: oh snap I'm being robbed!

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:07

LOL. Way to over react on that one. xD Next time wait 10 minutes and be able to hear your own TV.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:08

Lol Fail. YDI for leaving the tv on and wasting electricity.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 18:42

haha ydi op for bein a dumbass

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:08

YDI for wasting power by leaving your porn on the television before you left.

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:09

well.. nice goin ace

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:13

Hmmmm...Hope you're not turning into a schizophrenic. Next time don't be so paranoid :p.

WeaponsOfMassDDD 0

Send a private message

Thursday 19 August 2010 16:18

left out the part where u lit a fat one to relax that left u paranoid.....

Send a private message

Wednesday 28 March 2012 1:55

Maybe you should stop being so ugly