Miscellaneous: Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday...

By sheryl_m - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Kids

Do as I say, not as I do

By IHateSchool-.- - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

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By AnHoneyMouse

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By c

Today, I finally got up the courage to tell my boyfriend of a year and a half that I love him. His response was to start to snore, pretending to be asleep. FML

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By poop

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

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By Sacho

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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By CastAway - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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By lmaofuck - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By Anonymous

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

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By notpreggers - United Kingdom

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

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By Tree - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By For - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By bleh - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

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By Oraashi - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By you can't win

A Lose-Lose Situation

Today, after months of being called paranoid, distrusting and over-possessive by my girlfriend for being suspicious of her, I learned that she really is cheating on me with her coworker. When confronted, she called me ignorant, gullible and naive for believing her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

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By forreal

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

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By RyoKioKio

Today, just like every day for the past two weeks, my mother has told me just how much she doesn't want me to move out. I, once again, have had to remind her that she isn't the one I'm trying to get away from. I'm not a fan of being repeatedly smacked with a coffee mug by my 78-year-old grandma. FML

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2745

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By Samantha - Canada

Today, I was having lunch at a cafe. There was an attractive guy looking at me from another table. I smiled back and gave a little wink. A minute later he approached me. I introduced myself and asked if he wanted my number. He said, "Um, no but what are you eating? It looks really good" FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

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By hifhfan - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

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By Scabs - United States

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By single - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By Crappyfayman - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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By PissNTra - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By UnluckyTeen - Singapore

Today, I went to retrieve my stolen wallet from the train station. After I collected it, I returned to the place where I parked my bike to find that my bike had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned to work after celebrating the New Year in Mexico. I wasn't feeling well, but didn't want to call in sick after already taking a vacation. Now I'm at work with diarrhea, and trotting to the bathroom every 30 minutes. My commute home usually takes around an hour. FML

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By lifestinks - Canada

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

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By eebie jeebies - United States - Cypress

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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Top comments

By lnm701 | 0

#97107 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:28

You need to find new friends...a party for their dog? Really?

By WendlaMimii | 0

#97100 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:25

Happy birthday!
But you know, the dog deserves a party, too.

COMMENTS

By mtlxpimp | 0

#97096 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:24

thats sucks bro

By WendlaMimii | 0

#97100 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:25

Happy birthday!
But you know, the dog deserves a party, too.

By Rok_fml | 0

#97102 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:25

Find this hard to believe

By lnm701 | 0

#97107 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:28

You need to find new friends...a party for their dog? Really?

By nosuchthing | 0

#97112 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:29

happy birthday!
hey i know how you feel, sometimes my friends make me feel like shit.
sorry! happy birthday again!

By caitie_roxs13 | 0

#97114 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:30

i find this story hard to believe
i understand someone would throw a party for his/her dog.
but for the party to be thrown by a friend of the dog owner?
yeah i don't believe this.

By trevor51590 | 0

#97116 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:30

stupid. how does this get accepted to be on the site?

By Curtieeeez | 0

#97119 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:31

Happy Birthday! But FYL =

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#97121 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:31

There are people who actually care A LOT about their pets. Like... treating them as if they were people.
There are also people who tend to forget their friend's birthdays.

Putting them together makes for a very depressing birthday.

I hope you cheer up. Happy birthday!

By Compwiz1993 | 0

#97122 - Thursday 9 April 2009 23:32

Wow, I'm sorry. That really sucks. But revenge can be so sweet.