Love: Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 1 261

21/12/2013 07:08

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 071

You deserved it 3 761

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Possession

Hey

24/09/2011 04:40

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 497

You deserved it 2 932

08/03/2010 05:42

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 742

You deserved it 6 313

04/06/2011 16:41

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 471

You deserved it 2 865

31/10/2010 04:25

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 564

You deserved it 7 173

23/04/2012 22:51

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 472

You deserved it 6 169

23/06/2010 23:27

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 963

You deserved it 12 397

08/12/2010 05:17

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 568

You deserved it 25 051

31/12/2015 19:20

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 012

You deserved it 2 404

14/10/2011 11:22

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 129

You deserved it 2 769

13/07/2009 13:25

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 657

You deserved it 6 813

22/07/2009 00:39

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 371

You deserved it 5 580

25/08/2018 15:00

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 780

You deserved it 238

25/05/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 814

You deserved it 53 158

Spotted

By PlagueFace - 17/07/2020 17:01

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 375

You deserved it 116

23/02/2014 17:29

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 044

You deserved it 7 574

27/01/2012 06:54

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 931

You deserved it 3 315

One man and his lawn

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 16:00

Today, my husband, who rarely helps with big projects around the house, offered to help me with our mess of a backyard. An hour and a half into the project, and an hour and a half after he disappeared from the backyard, I found him mowing and edging the front. Our front yard was immaculate and didn't need mowed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 93

05/04/2009 19:15

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 953

You deserved it 9 157

29/07/2009 19:32

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 263

You deserved it 4 108

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 291

You deserved it 82 993

23/12/2010 16:13

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 395

You deserved it 7 560

Secrecy

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 11:01

Today, I went to spend some time with my family. Unbeknownst to me, while I was having quality time with my family, my boyfriend of a year and a half was packing up his belongings and going back to his estranged wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 191

Look who's talking

By Anonymous - 10/09/2021 18:01

Today, my ex asked me to help her with a payment for a loan she had to pay, which she'd forgot she had to pay. I told her I needed to go to bank, and was busy at the moment. She told me that I needed to be more organized in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 145

02/05/2011 18:46

Spicy

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 852

You deserved it 70 115

23/03/2013 11:43

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 171

You deserved it 3 473

Shot

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 20:13

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 012

You deserved it 29 536

26/08/2013 00:10

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 3 617

Panic! At the Costco

By abutorac951 - 16/03/2020 16:48

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 149

This is 100% accurate

By Theon - 21/05/2021 20:01

Today, I had a problem with my email verification in FML. I contacted support, and they were super helpful and fixed it. But I used my spam email, which automatically sends an immature message to anyone that contacts it. So instead of a, "Thank you", the nice staff member got a, "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Go away cheese face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 234

You deserved it 1 123

06/10/2015 11:13

Today, I found out my dad has been using the flip-flops I wear in the shower. The reason I wear them is to prevent myself from getting his nasty foot fungus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 785

You deserved it 1 658

01/02/2010 07:31

Spicy

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 414

You deserved it 2 644

08/07/2019 16:00

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 416

You deserved it 285

31/08/2013 08:16

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 032

You deserved it 4 249

16/09/2011 16:26

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 206

You deserved it 3 364

17/03/2009 02:19

Spicy

Today, my dad gave me a promise ring on my one year anniversary with my boyfriend and made me swear I would wait til marriage. Four hours later he walked in on us having sex in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 489

You deserved it 265 087

Vengeance is mine

By shitty neighbor - 25/07/2021 10:01

Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 375

31/05/2009 06:46

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 038

You deserved it 25 492

27/12/2012 22:54

Today, while trying to take my Christmas tree down, I learned that at some point during the last few weeks, it became home to a colony of green ants. I'm now covered in bites and terrified to go anywhere near it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 085

You deserved it 3 131

30/06/2014 01:05

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 855

You deserved it 7 184

23/09/2016 04:51

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 204

You deserved it 872

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Top comments

184886837272837 32

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:08

Looks like you've got another case on your hands....

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

Well now you do ...

Comments

184886837272837 32

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:08

Looks like you've got another case on your hands....

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:27

The Case of the Lacey Black Thongs....yes I blame the CIA

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:32

Cheaters In Alliance?

ohnowhyme123 15

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Saturday 21 December 2013 14:39

well looks like that case will end in divorce.

ChevyRedneck85 13

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Saturday 21 December 2013 14:45

Maybe he bought them for you? Just looking at all the possibilities

perdix 29

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Saturday 21 December 2013 17:44

#14, looks like you foiled their caper! The mysterious "chem trails" are lacy black thongs dropped randomly to cause trouble and dissension among the populace. People at war with each other are in no way able to unify in rebellion against the government. You must have some of that contraband tin in your hat :)

mealsonwheels 12

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Saturday 21 December 2013 19:39

# 1. I'm saddened by the fact that you missed the opportunity to instead say: well gang looks like we've got another mystery on our hands.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 22 December 2013 11:22

Maybe it was an early Christmas gift?...

briggsopposed 8

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Monday 7 July 2014 0:51

#1, how do you log in with that name???

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

Well now you do ...

CommanderCman1 15

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Saturday 21 December 2013 16:17

Looks like op found her Christmas present

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Saturday 21 December 2013 19:28

Surprise! YAyyy.. . . they're. .for youu..Honey. . Its the only color you were missing..?

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Saturday 21 December 2013 22:57

R u sure your daughters thong didn't get mixed in your laundry?

arsenicalhumor 30

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Sunday 22 December 2013 2:46

@102 Only if OP has a daughter.. And if they put laundry under the blankets on their bed..

Stheno 14

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

what a dick. Hope you throw him to the curb.

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Saturday 21 December 2013 19:33

Maybe it's his thong..

\ 28

Sunday 22 December 2013 3:12

Hey, a man's gotta experience life on the other side now and again.

Stheno 14

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Sunday 22 December 2013 15:50

lol could be haha

pistachiopanda 19

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

Your husbands version of a hard case sounds a lot like cheating..

You_Screwed_Up 7

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Saturday 21 December 2013 17:07

Well he was hard in a case.

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Saturday 21 December 2013 19:29

Who knows how many Hard Cases he's worked while you've been at work..on a limp case, with no end.

MissBubblesXoxo 17

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

I would suggest you to confront him about it! Hear him out. if he is indeed cheating, dump his ass!

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:32

Considering that everyone is suspecting him of cheating, he could always be exfoliating. Check his legs for shaving.

Dcm210 19

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:09

Wow, nobody deserves to be cheated on. I hope everything works in your favor.

captainObviously 15

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Sunday 22 December 2013 6:20

U deserve it

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Sunday 22 December 2013 11:11

"And May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor" popped into mind when I read #6's comment... :P

Saturday 21 December 2013 13:10

Eekk I hope they weren't still in bed when you walked in so sorry op :( what an ass

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:26

It clearly said that her husband wasn't home, actually read it next time.

xStaciexLynnx 15

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Saturday 21 December 2013 23:32

It also says OP got INTO the bed so unless this happened... Hello hunny. Hello random woman. If you don't mind, I'm just going to squeeze into bed here and... and... WHAT IS THIS?! A THONG?! ...then I think she was alone.

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:10

busted! case closed? but feel bad for you now.

TattooInvasion 14

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Saturday 21 December 2013 21:52

I really don't think the case is closed... I'm pretty sure it started a new one...

BlesstheSilence 11

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:12

Makes me wonder if he owns lacey black thongs...or he's cheating.

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Saturday 21 December 2013 23:27

They may have been Goldilocks! Your bed was just right...

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Saturday 21 December 2013 13:14

He owes you an explanation for this one .