Love: Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip....

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 179

You deserved it 5 335

Love

Best teeth in the game

Sorry…

Best birthday ever!

By edhalen - 23/04/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 945

You deserved it 64 204

Romance is dead

By xlees - 18/08/2021 10:01 - New Zealand

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went back to Germany. He lovingly said to me, "I will never find another girl like you. Unless I rip off her leg and tear out her eye." I’m an amputee, and was born with a blind eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 19:08 - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 383

You deserved it 7 562

By nadalada - 18/02/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 408

You deserved it 13 957

By jessiegirl - 22/08/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how sweetly the main character on my favorite tv show proposed to his girlfriend. He told me to hang on a second, and later forgot about me while he told his brother about the hot blonde he slept with last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 035

You deserved it 6 451

Hiking is so much fun!

By Sacho - 24/10/2019 20:00

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 149

By green2black - 19/05/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 905

You deserved it 14 544

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 229

You deserved it 8 147

By rubmytummy - 10/06/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 723

You deserved it 23 294

By anonymas - 29/01/2010 15:29 - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 543

You deserved it 3 615

Scammers gonna scam

By Hady - 25/06/2021 00:01

Today, I found out that the $100,000 scholarship I "won" was a scam. I found it on a website. When I won, they asked for a "processing fee" that I begged my brother to let me borrow. The website has vanished into internet wasteland and I have no way of paying back the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 1 761

By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/08/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 430

You deserved it 844

By Ohdear - 16/06/2019 15:08 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was holding the ladder while my husband was in the attic, and I let out a silent fart, thinking he wouldn't notice. A minute later, he complained of the dreadful smell and told me he was checking for a dead animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 572

Ignored

By Kim - 05/05/2021 04:01

Today, at work, I was waiting in line to pay my food at the cafeteria when I noticed the doctor who was in front of me had these really cool looking shoes on. I told him, "I like your shoes!" He turned over, looked at me and didn’t say anything back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 117

By Kelso - 06/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 400

You deserved it 2 513

By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 814

You deserved it 3 462

By wannadi - 03/03/2013 09:29 - United States - Camden

Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 580

You deserved it 2 835

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 624

You deserved it 3 432

By youlyingjerk - 01/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 491

You deserved it 3 469

By crippled shopper - 27/01/2013 05:23 - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 286

You deserved it 4 685

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 17:00

Today, my wife and I were looking online at the house her piano teacher is selling. When she said, "Oh the bedroom looks much larger with the furniture gone," a long awkward silence followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 115

By prostitott - 04/05/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 422

You deserved it 15 346

By vomitgirl - 28/04/2015 05:24 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 041

You deserved it 2 434

By mel - 30/08/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 809

You deserved it 15 726

By tiredmom - 07/07/2016 15:03 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 284

You deserved it 1 551

By CBBP - 31/03/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 709

You deserved it 8 734

By J - 11/02/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, at lunch I ordered a coke. The waiter replied "diet coke?" and I corrected him saying, "No, regular coke." He shook his head and said again, "diet coke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 109

You deserved it 8 803

By greeple - 10/09/2012 16:19 - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 712

You deserved it 12 738

By FUCK THE PIGS - 26/01/2013 20:44 - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 382

You deserved it 4 152

By My Life Is Just PERFECT - 30/03/2013 15:29 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 902

You deserved it 4 121

By unemployed - 11/07/2016 19:09 - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 147

You deserved it 789

One nation, under rod

By LaLa - 20/09/2019 22:00

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 184

Denied!

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 751

You deserved it 6 646

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 709

You deserved it 9 972

Thanks, I hate it

By Matt L. - 30/07/2020 14:02

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 684

You deserved it 123

By yosmurf - 11/06/2019 00:01

Today, my son proudly announced to me that he has been learning to cut out shapes at school, and that he'd cut out some ovals and wanted to show me. He showed me the pictures of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Jackson and their corresponding bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 248

When you lie on your resume to get the job

By Anonymous - 27/07/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 243

You deserved it 318

By Anonymous - 16/04/2009 22:06 - United States

Today, I found my phone under the car seat after three days. I flipped it open ready to issue apologies to everyone who had tried to get in touch with me and I had worried. No missed calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 824

You deserved it 10 270

By shakyhands - 22/03/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 685

You deserved it 4 201

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 844

You deserved it 6 703

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Top comments

DeeJayD 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:15

I think you should take him to court for assault. That'd show him.

breaksprinter_ 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:20

You should take that guy to court, especially if that is your house, and not your girlfriend's. And I hope you broke up with her from that because if she obviously can't keep it in her pants while you're not around, she is not worth having.

DeeJayD 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:15

I think you should take him to court for assault. That'd show him.

StringMan123 0

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:28

I agree... Thts assult brother!

Sportey 9

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Wednesday 27 May 2015 15:13

Not really if he was unaware of his GF still having a relation.

glockjaw 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:17

Wow you better eff that guy up if you want to have any self-respect left.

breaksprinter_ 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:20

killer6969 16

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Saturday 26 January 2013 4:37

Well she can't really keep it in it her pants cause she got nothing there.....

teentee401 36

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Sunday 24 August 2014 22:11

I'm guessing the only woman 103 has seen naked is a Barbie doll

Anonymus101 4

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:21

yeah get him jailed for that, show your now EX that being a cheating whore never will pay off.

Mortal_Light 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:24

At least you know your stuff was safe. That is messed up though.

TheEmoPrepGirl 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:26

Okay. 1. Take the guy to court for ambushing you in your own house, when he wasn't supposed to be there. 2. Dump the girl and don't let her even try to explain.

bioclock 0

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Sunday 29 March 2009 1:26

While I'm not for suing the pants off of people at every turn, you could take him to court for assault, assuming that your girlfriend's (hopefully now ex-girlfriend) name isn't on the lease. There's the possibility that he didn't know she was cheating, so I'd find that out first, but damn, that's a low blow.