Love: Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 142

22/04/2009 03:24

Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 580

You deserved it 157 874

Vulture

This Charming Man

Doggy dog world

26/02/2009 17:05

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 182

You deserved it 2 754

22/09/2013 20:41

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 139

You deserved it 4 164

18/03/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 736

You deserved it 510

21/11/2009 11:40

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 069

You deserved it 3 993

01/10/2018 15:30

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 3 408

26/05/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 2 081

29/01/2011 12:40

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 197

You deserved it 45 649

History

By catfish - 23/02/2009 22:11

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those '70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 309

You deserved it 52 052

03/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 544

You deserved it 261

11/09/2009 21:47

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 234

You deserved it 2 821

04/12/2010 05:20

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 524

You deserved it 3 779

26/06/2013 09:07

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 702

You deserved it 3 926

20/11/2016 14:08

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 460

You deserved it 13 129

24/02/2010 07:45

Today, my 2 year old had a large booger blocking his nose so I pulled it out. I was on the phone and absentmindedly rolling it around between my thumb and pointer finger. I put it in my mouth and crushed it between my teeth for a solid minute before I remembered what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 581

You deserved it 66 414

31/08/2010 12:11

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 412

You deserved it 6 728

11/07/2017 20:00

Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 955

You deserved it 2 016

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 187

08/03/2010 20:54

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 386

You deserved it 3 698

06/04/2015 03:31

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 858

You deserved it 5 114

05/10/2014 21:34

Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 618

You deserved it 4 899

23/05/2019 04:00

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 118

25/02/2016 18:59

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his mom for the very first time. After shaking my hand and looking me up and down, she loudly proclaimed, "She doesn't have the right hips to have kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 783

You deserved it 1 611

18/04/2011 15:09

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 190

You deserved it 4 816

19/01/2015 01:18

Spicy

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 922

You deserved it 3 008

05/07/2010 00:15

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 989

You deserved it 4 596

05/09/2009 16:22

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 776

You deserved it 50 967

23/07/2012 01:05

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 222

You deserved it 4 191

21/08/2013 15:17

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 681

You deserved it 26 186

Works with podcasts as well

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 16:00

Today, I realised I get really attached to characters in long-running TV shows, because I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 128

18/03/2010 01:55

Spicy

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 384

You deserved it 2 959

19/05/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 132

You deserved it 3 437

07/03/2011 00:50

Today, I went snowboarding and fell backwards, hitting my head on a patch of ice. When I got home, I told my brother I thought I might have a concussion. He told me I should be a man and suck it, swiftly smacking my head, causing me to pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 284

You deserved it 3 607

29/03/2014 23:07

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 896

You deserved it 4 727

13/04/2014 09:33

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 591

You deserved it 4 433

23/12/2012 22:24

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 024

You deserved it 36 435

02/07/2014 23:20

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 786

You deserved it 5 394

22/09/2009 14:12

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 069

You deserved it 52 894

19/10/2010 00:23

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 5 853

31/03/2011 19:18

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 091

You deserved it 29 267

Kids hear EVERYTHING

By Anonymous - 03/05/2021 13:01

Today, I was listening to an inappropriate song while driving around when I heard my 3 year-old in the back seat say the n-word. If you hear kids screaming, "LEGOS, LEGOS!" out of the windows as I drive by, that's my pathetic attempt at reversing the language they heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 1 018

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Top comments

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:17

Yeah, your life isn't fucked, his is.

dragonmystik3030 0

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

FHL indeed. hate to tell you this, but the world does NOT revolve around you. and from the sound of it, you leaving him is the best thing you can do for him :P

Comments

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:14

How is that a FYL?

bridgette5866 0

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Tuesday 16 February 2010 2:26

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Wednesday 31 October 2012 4:26

It's obviously her fault if he was happy & excited enough to bring flowers. Bash the bitch

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Friday 1 August 2014 5:12

It's an FML because she has to live with the fact that she's a cunt.

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:15

FHL

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:15

What #2 said. How is this an FML?

immafiremylaser 0

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:17

You see, it's because... No wait, you're an asshole.

ifailplzinsultme 0

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Saturday 23 October 2010 5:51

how?

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Friday 3 August 2012 7:52

How do you not see why?

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Friday 17 January 2014 5:23

I think #339 meant that it could have been through text and those are very easy to take the wrong I doubt op was like oh I'll ask him to come over for sex then dump him I think it was a miscommunication

Mylar 0

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:17

Yeah, your life isn't fucked, his is.

naaah 0

Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 15 January 2011 15:16

it wasn't just a break up, it was a divorce

dragonmystik3030 0

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

FHL indeed. hate to tell you this, but the world does NOT revolve around you. and from the sound of it, you leaving him is the best thing you can do for him :P

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Thursday 9 May 2013 6:30

Things weren't working out. He could have been romantic this one time, and rarely be romantic, and she left him. Both their lives suck, and neither one deserves it. I think you're just taking his side out of pity and being mean to OP. Also, how does this involve the world revolving around her!?

expectcriticism 13

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Thursday 16 January 2014 0:58

how do you know he was never romantic, don't assume things that aren't stated and then bitch at someone else

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Tuesday 28 January 2014 4:15

#408 He may have been romantic this one time? Not likely, if the dude respected his wife enough to not hang out with his friend and bring her flowers he obviously cares. This is all on her and I hope she never finds a guy as good as the one she left.

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

THIS IS WHY IT'S A FYL: Obviously she didn't want to tell her husband over the phone that she wanted to split up with him. And then he comes home with flowers, which is a sign of affection, then she had to ultimately reject him, and felt bad for it because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. So it's FB(oth)T(heir)L(ives) really.

chocolemonade 6

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Monday 27 June 2011 17:09

Seriously! Everyone assumes she's just being a bitch. Who knows? Maybe she just fell out of love, maybe she wasn't thinking enough when they got married. it's hardly the first time that happened. She clearly still cares about his feelings if she felt bad about the situation, hence the fml. It's a sad situation true, but it's not like she went skipping off into the sunset. Both parties felt bad.

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Tuesday 25 October 2011 16:24

You're an idiot

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Tuesday 28 August 2012 15:48

...everyone understood the FML. We just don't understand why we should feel so bad for her when the husband was the one who was trying to be nice and she practically spit in his face. But you know, thanks for explaining the easy to understand FML...

J_a_s_m_i_n_e 0

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

Wow, people are being really harsh. #5 You're the asshole. Is she supposed to stay with someone she doesn't love just to keep him happy???

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Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:37

If she does not love him, why marry him?

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Tuesday 9 February 2010 4:11

amen

Randomassdude 0

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 16:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

madgoatcheese 0

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Friday 9 April 2010 15:40

she is an idiot for leaving him, she obviously has him well trained.

snizzlesnoozle 0

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Thursday 8 July 2010 16:18

Clearly, very few of you understand the dynamics of a real relationship. It's not your place to judge.

longtimesunshine 4

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 5:49

madgoatcheese we have the exact same birth date. how crazy !

butterybiscuit 6

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Saturday 14 April 2012 6:02

Nooooooooo you're an asshole too now, she shouldn't have married him if she didn't love him

Stealthclaws 16

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Sunday 26 November 2017 9:29

No one should ever have to train an adult.

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Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

I would've pissed everywhere

beberrr92_fml 0

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Thursday 12 May 2011 0:01

loll

Red_Wing_Nut44 14

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Sunday 14 August 2011 6:27

That's usually a good solution to a problem.

herpderpherpderp 13

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Saturday 29 September 2012 22:38

even on Jeff? you said you would piss everywhere..